A Confession :( (Blog 433, Honest Blog 1)

Hello readers, I have to come clean. As has been suspected for a while now, I have had a lot of help with my site. What form has the help taken? To be honest, a dark, dark form. All these years, I have had a team of writers working for me who I keep in my basement and if they ever threatened to leave, I threw cabbages at them and slices of bacon. I’m actually known for the catchphrase ‘here come the cabbages!’ and then I scream, but you know what? No one ever laughed, which only fuelled my frustration, sadness and I admit, anger. I’m owning up to things now as one writer has escaped, I presume he’s going to phone the police and I’m in most serious trouble. However, if I confess my crimes, I SHOULD get a lesser jail sentence, fingers crossed! Even so, I’m looking at many, many years of jail. I would like to say sorry to the very funny and hardworking Dennis Bridge, Henry Samson, Bill Addice, Chuck Reach and Brad Edgeley. I don’t like escapee Tom Brown quite so much, but he’s a good guy, too.

So… That’s it then, isn’t it. This site is over. Unless maybe the team wants to continue it, but I’m presuming they’re absolutely sick of it. If they are very very good, they may not press charges, but I’m not sure if I can continue running Wiedemann Comedy without them. Here’s a joke that I’VE come up with: ‘Hello, I have schizophrenia, look at my funny hat!’ Whilst it’s a funny image, it’s not a truly funny joke, so yeah, I think I may have to quit for good. What does the future hold for me? Well, I’m hoping I can retire in the Scottish countryside. At very least I’m hoping for my cabbage and bacon back, because I’ve thrown a lot of it away, and some of the food is very tasty, others rather nutritious. If I were to get the food thrown at me, I’d completely understand, which is why I’ve been practicing throwing food into my face and trying to catch it with my mouth. I’ve been getting funny looks, and to be fair, it’s a funny situation. Not humorous, not for me anyway, but definitely strange!!

Whilst my jokes aren’t particularly good, I have had someone take look at this blog’s draft and they said was actually quite entertaining. That surprised me as I found writing it to be extremely painful, but if I can engage at least one person, I think I’ve done my job. I won’t be earning very much advertising money from one guy, it will take several million years before I can earn £50 and I need at least that amount of cash before Adsense sends me anything. The chances of both of us surviving that long are not exactly good. However, whilst I never truly believed I was God when I had schizophrenia, I did believe I had godlike powers such as telepathy and all I need is to go just one step further and become God. Then I’d live forever and get £50 after millions of years. There really is nothing to be ashamed of at all, I was just confused back then. Some call it ‘delusional’ or 'mentally ill' I say that’s too dark.

Only joking, April fools! There is no captured team, it’s just me! Sorry if you believed me and I called you a fool, but it’s a tradition and all traditions are good, no? Maybe Guy Fawkes night is an exception with the persistent fantasies of burning a poor man to the death because he was a criminal. A serious criminal, yes, but you can’t burn EVERYONE. You know who really deserves a lot of hate? Albert Fish, he was so much worse, so think about burning him! Rather than burning statues of him, you could have a real celebration and cook real fish, just an idea. Kind of like a barbecue! Lastly, I’d like to point out how Papa Johns isn’t too well with the closure of 10% of their England stores. I hate to compare the company to the psychopathic Roman empire, but they have decimated their outlets. Pure coincidence. Thank God my local one is staying! At the time of typing the company are doing a new, limited edition pizza called ‘Hot Pepper Passion’. I love all three of those words to be in foods, the fact I’m getting all of them at the same time? I just don’t get why people aren’t interested! Bye!