I’m 38! (As is Jack Whitehall) (Blog 590)

To start the day (Tuesday at the time of writing), I got my email checking and stuff out of the way, but my daily joke and shape wasn’t posting on my Wix site for some unknown reason, which bugged me because as hinted at a while ago, people keep spreading rumours that I’ve died. I’ve finally succumbed to my clumsiness, I got severely lost and starved to death, you name it, someone has said it. There could be worse days not to post than my birthday, though. Someone could think ‘Oh, I see what’s going on here, Simon is too busy celebrating to post on his site…’ Nope, as I also said before, I’ll be celebrating it in a day or two, possibly in the evening. My dad said he didn’t want to stay up too late as he’d be getting up early the day after. Oh, that’s too bad. However, as it’s my special day, it’s my rules. Yes, I know that makes me sound like a bratty young girl, but normal bratty young girls take part in way more activities than me. I’ll be lucky if I get one day out in two or three months! Not only do I think making everything about me for one day is justified, I think I should be temporarily above the law. It’s like people doing kind acts and getting rewarded in Heaven. I on the other hand nearly pass out from boredom, and I’m allowed to go looting, just for the day. I would also like to indulge in lifelong trespassing fantasies.

As I was driving to get my daily food soon after the attempted posting, I wasn’t thinking to myself ‘I feel old now’, I was more thinking ‘I’m mature’. I guess deep down none of those statements are true. Whatever the case, happy birthday to me and Jack Whitehall! I would say I enjoyed my food when I got home, but I was still kinda annoyed about my site which spoiled things. What the new rumour about me would be, I have no idea. Maybe that I was killed in a joy riding accident, which is sort of believable as it would be my special day, after all. After the food however, I found I could post on my site normally! Phew! You know when I said the internet claimed you could bet if England and Mexico would draw in the knockout stages? I soon Googled who is more likely to win the next football match, England or Norway and it said the probability of a draw again!! Getting stupid people to bet on draws is NOT ok! What else can you bet on? Maybe someone coming third in a tennis match with two people in it? How about letting people bet on how likely Tim Henman is to score against Norway?? Dear God!

Moving on, I was worried the drooling meds I take at night would stop working and I would build up a tolerance, but no, they’re still effective if I suck on them until they disappear rather than just swallowing them. Again, not the nicest taste in the world but in a way, it’s a challenge not to swallow them and to stick with the extreme bitterness. After a year or two, I’ll be able to suck on bitter meds better than 99% of the population I’m sure, my only fears are that I won’t be able to taste anything any more after that and I’ll have bad breath. So… good mood, not dribbling in my sleep. I personally can’t wait till my next mental health checkup, I have so many positive things to say! I just hope the doctor doesn’t visit my site, that’s all. Please don’t read my podcasts. Now what to say? Ah yes, I’ve just finished drinking a cup of water and because of my increased water intake these last few months, my digestive system is working much better. Three things to boast about, wahoo! What a day, being 38 is great! Later on in the day, I’ll be going to the London Comedy Writers meeting as per usual, which will be funny and I’ll be getting a Subway which won’t be funny. Which is good! I don’t want to thinking ‘… that sandwich tasted funny…’ And they never do!

Talking of food, I got a Chinese meal last Saturday and I dropped about a third of my beloved noodles on my bedroom carpet! I love those noodles!! Argh! What to do? Well, I picked the noodles up with my hand, put them on the plate and ate them. Tasted fine to me… I do have some dog hairs on my carpet, strongly suggesting I got hair on the food, but again, they tasted fine. Completely normal in fact. If there was an improvement on the other hand, I’d have to recommend adding dog hairs to Chinese food, it would be a new culinary discovery. Oh no. I’ve just realised how pushy my Facebook message towards my sister in law was, just now. She said ‘happy birthday’ or words to that effect, I said ‘thank you, see you soon’, she said ‘what do you want to do for your birthday’ and I said ‘my brother said go for an Indian meal soon’. It could have been better worded, couldn’t it? If I were to be honest, I am feeling pushy, I just don’t want her to know. My real, hidden attitude is ‘please for the love of God, go for a meal soon or I’ll be mad.’ It’s too late to change the message now, she’s seen it and now I’m waiting for her to get back to me. I think I’ll end this blog now as I don’t know when I’ll hear from my relative again. She may not have responded yet because she’s busy nursing, maybe it’s because she was thinking ‘Pushy Simon’. And bye for now!