Birthday Girl, the Trilogy (Blog 275)

Yesterday, I visited my brother’s family because my niece just turned three. I couldn’t go to the main toddler party, but that’s fine as I’m not really into watching a small group of mini people playing with unicorns, or playing musical chairs in the hope of winning MORE stupid unicorns. Pens might be fine, but not the prior. Too sickly. I don’t listen to Slipknot all the time, but I do sometimes, and therefore magic horses don’t really fit into my world much at all. (Although the band do have a song called ‘Eeyore’, which I think is based on Winnie-the-pooh. I don’t know why it’s so hateful, but who cares - it gets the adrenaline pumping. It's actually one of their fastest songs). I don’t what the obsession with the creatures is about for anyone, really. Normal horses are better in my opinion, because they don’t have sharp horns on their heads. What children don't realise is such horns are nature’s way of making them vicious killers. I’m being serious, animals don’t have physical traits for no reason, no one does. Unicorns genuinely must have evolved to be highly combative. Get on the wrong side of a unicorn by eating its hay, and it would be a genuine bloodbath. Flying unicorns would be particularly dangerous. Death from above. My older niece on the other hand has just started secondary school and will learn about evolution and all that stuff in biology class. It will be a sad day, but important.

Oh yes, I should point out: Not long ago I said that my niece was three, when she was actually two at the time. NOW she’s three, obviously. A very mild case of child neglect on my part. Well I guess that’s ‘child ignorance’ which is even milder. My brother not knowing her age WOULD be bad, though. That would suggest he’s spent much of his life completely wasted. There is such a thing as a functioning drug addict, and my sibling’s nurse wife COULD hypothetically supply him with morphine and possibly even medicinal cannabis, but I think that’s incredibly unlikely and offensive, too. So I’ll move on. One of the first things me and my dad did when we entered the sober person’s abode was check out the huge TV. It really was massive, and personally I’d worry about it slowly blinding me. Fortunately it was never turned on, so it could never blind me. Yet. It was a bit strange how my brother showed an item off without even demonstrating it, but I guess the main point he was trying to make was that it was VERY big. So fair enough.

Shortly after all that business, and despite what I said earlier, I gave my niece her present, which was a cup with a unicorn on it. Perhaps further distorting the child’s sense of reality, the cup changes colour when heated. No, animals don’t change colour in different temperatures. I think you can worry about such matters too much, though. All will be explained in secondary school at the latest. My brother also showed off some stuff on a somewhat smaller scale. First up was robot fish that swam round a small bowl over and over again. It reminded me of the robo fish in Red Dwarf. When watching the program for the first time, I never really thought I’d see such an item, but there it was. I sometimes worry about artificial intelligence going too far, but I’m sure the fish is harmless. I hate to bring up unicorns again, but an AI unicorn toy COULD go on the rampage. And what would you do, other than stare in confusion?

On a similar scale, my brother showed off his magic sand that ‘never gets wet’, meaning you won’t get wet either if you touch it. He put it into the same bowl, and I put my hand in, and it got soaked. A bit of a letdown, but I was going about things the wrong way. If you put just one finger in, that’s surrounded by the sand it is actually pretty cool. You don’t get wet, then. It’s the small things in life, isn’t it? I actually preferred that over the TV. You know what I really liked, though? The chocolate, cartoon caterpillar cake. Mmm. I know I said I’ve given up sugar, but that was a one off. What’s the harm in a bit of funny shaped dessert? Cartoon caterpillars look completely harmless and therefore are harmless. REAL one’s don’t look appetising, but I never said anything about realism. I don’t know what kind of family would eat genuine insects. Either a very poor one, or a very sick one. Just put the creature back and do something else! The birthday girl was asked if she could give some of her sweets away, and she said ‘No…’ which was pretty funny. I don’t know if it was supposed to be though, as the word was said so calmly and casually.

That was the day out, basically. There was a time when I triggered an alarm somehow, by resting on an oven or whatever it was, (do YOU know what happened?) but after a few seconds of peril, everything was back to normal. Bye!!!!