Blog 283, Super blog 15 (Contest 50 Special!)

It’s the 50th comedy contest I’ve done, so let’s make it special! This time I’ll be reviewing TWO entrants, not just one! Not only that, it’s flippin’ close. One of the closest events ever, in fact! Now, before I reveal the scores, let’s start this blog with something else super duper interesting! In all these competitions, I’ve never actually explained what the ratings mean, so let’s do that now! (I apologise for all the exclamation marks - as I pointed out in a prior blog, I’m just trying to create a sense of occasion. I think I’ve been annoying, so I’ll be more careful in the future!)

5/5 = Perfect comedy! Fawlty Towers level!

4.5 = Fawlty Towers, but spoiled by extreme violence towards Spanish waiters who are 100% innocent. :( I can only pray Manuel never dressed up as a black knight at a fancy dress party.

4 = Fawlty Towers, but Basil Fawlty kidnaps and threatens someone. That’s WAY too far.

3.5 = Above average humour. Like watching someone eat Surstromming and throwing up everywhere. It’s a funny food.

3 = Average humour. You see someone you don’t like falling over.

2.5 = Below average. You simply hear of someone you don’t like falling over, and he laughed it off, anyway.

2 = Way below average - You fall over and you don’t laugh it off. Actually, you start crying.

1.5 - Not funny at all. You’ve been told you need to do your taxes. :S

1.0 - A pandemic wipes out all accountants.

0.5 - Bubonic plague in the early stages. Could be worse.

0 = Bubonic plague in the late stages. I’ve never given such a score, but everyone dies, right???

Now let’s share the results in mini description form!

2nd place is by act, ‘Hidden Histories’, and their video is called ‘CWC Halloween Special with Josh from Movie Timelines: The Myers Three vs The Voorhees Trio’. AKA ‘Computer Wrestling, Halloween Special’ - The latter title’s mine. Let’s face it, it IS snappier than HH’s. :P

Now let’s discuss 2nd place in the classic paragraph form, that we all know and love! :D (Similarly, in an earlier blog, I explained how I may use excited faces to up the tension, and I still think it’s a good idea. :) ) One of the things that is exclaimed in the silver medal video is ‘How is she wrestling without a head???!!!’ That alone makes me feel silly. I mean why do I use exclamation marks when I describe something like ordering a pizza? My life is clearly very dull. God knows how many exclamation marks I’d use if I lost MY head… Maybe a thousand, way more than the estimated three. Even back in day when I thought I was controlling the world with my own thoughts, I’d probably use 500 exclamation marks to describe the situation. I don’t mean to milk the subject, but it was a scary time. Again, losing your head is particularly severe. I’m not sure what my point is, though. So let’s talk about HH again. No, no, my point is that I should calm down. There we go. Or something like that.

Anyway, in their video, lots of cartoon blood was shed. That may sound badass, but really it looked more like tomato sauce. It brings me a strange peace of mind when I say the video commentators got somewhat excited about THAT. Who’s life is dull, now? Well it’s both of ours, isn’t it. But that’s something. Ooh tomato sauce. Wow. I don’t mean to sound like I’m mocking HH, though. Deep down inside I’m glad real blood wasn’t used, I’m not just saying that. If real blood was used, I would feel pretty damn uneasy communicating with the video makers. Where did they get it from? Even if they didn’t steal it, they just used their own, that would be a bit freaky. I apologise for implying that tomato sauce is lame. Please for the love of God use it.

Now let’s talk about the characters commenting on all the fighting! From a psychological perspective, they really are quite fascinating. Their voices are completely normal and lively, but their body language? Never have I seen such bad cases of catatonic schizophrenia. (More milk). They’re completely still! Doesn’t really make sense, does it? It’s like saying someone is happy and depressed. Wait you can be happy and depressed, it’s called mixed mania. Ok, it’s like saying someone is dead and alive. Explain that. Now let’s change the subject, because that’s all I can think to say! I’ve ordered a Steve Vai CD for Christmas, but it comes in a cardboard case, rather than a plastic one. This is a very disturbing trend that is getting worse. Steve Vai! Steve why?? How does that make you feel, Steve? I’ve just punned you! >:( Take that.

Anyway, let’s review the runner up with the help of advanced mathematics!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Originality: 3.5 out of 5 - Sorry, HH, but you’ve done loads of wrestling videos…

Acting: 4 - … Nevertheless, well presented…

Funniness: 3.75 … And amusing, too!…

Production: 4 … Your work is retro, but effective!

Effort: 4 … And the amount of effort you put into your work? Beautiful…

Overall: 3.85 … All that leads to an admirable overall score! (Just not QUITE admirable enough. So close!)

Watch the video, below!!!!!!!!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iy3KKFaQ6KE

Now for a break, here are SIX brand new jokes!…

Why did the bearded man knight Raymond? To make a Ray Sir.

Why did the teacher admit to his crimes with such skill? He was a pro-fesser.

What Syrian shape do people go to in a pandemic? Dome, mask us. (Not so sure about that one).

Why is the shoddy storage company paradoxically perfect? Because it’s vault-less. (That’s a bit weird, too).

What city does bacon come from? Burning Ham. (There we go).

Why did the man float away from the funeral? He couldn’t except the gravity of the situation.

1st is…

Naz Osmanoglu’s video called ‘It’s Coming HOME!’ AKA ‘Manly Baby Punches Other Man’ - The latter name is my idea. Not quite as catchy as the former in this case. Naz wins the sketch naming contest, too.

Now let’s review the winner with those paragraphs we all love!

Why are babies hitting men funny? Men hitting other men ins’t funny, it’s assault; men hitting babies REALLY isn’t funny, that’s evil; and babies hitting other babies is disturbing. Maybe babies hitting men is funny, because no one gets harmed? Not true at all, the baby really went for it in the sketch. It’s got me thinking ‘Who could I punch and not only get away with it, but get an amused reaction?’ I’d definitely like to ask Naz his thoughts on the matter, but he could just phone the police, as any dutiful citizen would. So I’ll think for myself. MAYBE I could get away with punching someone a lot taller than me. Maybe babies punching fully grown men is so amusing because of the size difference. So! First thing I’ll do when I see a massive body builder is punch him on the nose. Should be amusing. Intuitively it feels wrong, though.

Before that though, let’s do some more reviewing! On a similar note, football hooligans are rarely considered funny (unless you’re mental), but again, football hooligan babies ARE ok. Why could THAT be? Sadly I have no desire to be football hooligan, so I can’t do any tests on myself. I can watch thugs though, and ask them ‘Are you trying to be funny?’, to get to the heart of the matter. Can’t go wrong. But what if I come across an amusing hooligan who is frustrated and aggressive because of a disability that is causing him much pain? For example, blindness? Simple, I could ask him ‘What are you looking at?’ That question cuts through all the crap and gets to the point immediately. The blind man should then open up, and eventually discuss his thoughts on comedy in great detail. Welllll. Probably not. But who knows.

Now to change the subject! I recently bought a train ticket, and explained I wanted to go to London at 5pm, and that I should be coming back home at around 11. I was then asked if I meant 11am, or 11pm. Well… It would be pretty damn impressive if I came back at 11am, as that would mean I could bend time. It was after all, a single day ticket. Whether I can bend time remains to be seen. Maybe the ticket seller saw something in me that I don’t. On ANOTHER note (B to C or even B to F is fitting), my internet hasn’t been working for two hours! I said I’d do some work for my music boss, and now I can’t. I can’t even explain why! How passive aggressive am I looking? Furthermore, I’m feeling traditionally aggressive (i.e. like punching a giant) at the same time. Thus, it’s time to coin a new phrase: I’m coming across as aggressive passive aggressive, but I’m really just aggressive. A bit of a tongue twister, maybe even stupid, but it is in fact, true.

Now let’s rate Naz in more detail!

Originality: 4.5 - A baby football hooligan punching a man. Can’t say I’ve heard of that idea, before…

Acting: 4.25 - Well acted, too. Can’t really complain, there. Not realistic, but that’s not the point.

Funniness: 4.25 - I think babies punching people is pretty funny…

Production: 3 - Ah. A little on the raw side.

Effort: 3.5 - Come on. You can do better than that…

Overall: 3.9 - But you still win! Very close!

Find the video below!

https://twitter.com/naz_osmanoglu

Now for another joke!

Why was the parasitic arachnid on the moon crazy? It was a lunar tick.

And here’s another!

Where do modest men shop? The humble sale.

Now to end things! I wanted to do another random word story, but I still don’t have the internet. Not to worry, what I can do is give Naz a cool nickname. How about this: Naz the Nazooka Osmanoglu? I don’t know why people like being compared to weapons, but some clearly do, e.g. Ronnie the Rocket O’Sullivan. Some weapons are more appropriate than others though. I’m sure Ronnie would take offence if someone called him Ronnie the Pickaxe O’Sullivan. Makes him sound like a nutter. But why is that? Rockets are far wilder than any man-operated weapon. Ok, pickaxes are more associated with deranged serial killers, but give Harold Shipman a rocket launcher, and things would get a whole lot worse.

Do Hidden Histories get a nickname? Continuing the weapons theme, how about Hidden Histories the Howitzers? Again, that’s perhaps better than Hidden Histories the Hatchets. Going in a completely different direction, how about Hidden Histories the Himpressive? That’s nice, it’s a combination word which does work, as the team are all male. There’s no need for violence. What should my nickname be? Well, Simple Simon is very offensive. I don’t agree with that cliche. Sensible Simon would be a lie, but how about Sane Simon? I am sane, I just need medication. Ok! That’s all I can think to say! I would end with a smile, but my damn internet STILL isn’t working. (At the time of writing, obviously). Bye!!!!! >:(