Blog 300!!! (Super blog 16 :O, Blog 300 :O :O)

Wow, my 300th blog! How am I going to make it special? Well, it’s going to be an all star entry, featuring paragraphs written by all sorts of heroes and anti-heroes, if not complete scumbags. Yep, there will be opinions from everyone from James to the Sausage Roll Killer! You have no idea how hard that was to organise. Things will be starting off very small scale, but expect things to quickly escalate! Also, be prepared for absolutely no censoring - anything can happen! Very exciting, let’s go!!!

Random Dude off the Internet

You want to know what the average guy on the street thinks of Wiedemann Comedy? Well, I’ve been browsing it for a while, and I found all the schizophrenia anecdotes rather unsettling. I’d much prefer it if Simon wrote about normal things. Like overcooking dinners or forgetting relative’s names. Not this. I heard this site was run by a pigeon, and that doesn’t surprise me at all. I’m picturing the so called ‘writer’ flapping his wings frantically and being plain scary. I always hated pigeons, and now I do so more than ever. Still I have subscribed out of morbid curiosity. Some of the bird’s jokes aren’t bad, but if I read another ‘what’s the difference’ gag, I will scream. No I don’t know what the difference between a caution and a shoe for a bumblebee is, and I really don’t care. I’ll tell you a good joke: (removed for copyright reasons. Ok, NOW no more censoring). It’s good because it actually makes sense.

James

I’m glad you’ve asked for my thoughts on this site, I want to clear the air: Granted I’ve done some crazy things and acted inappropriately, but most of the time I’m COMPLETELY fine. Absolutely fantastic. Yes, I’ve written some weird music too, but my intention was actually to be funny. Yes, I now know me going ‘Boooo!’ over and over again is a bit creepy, but my thinking was ‘boooo!’ is a funny word. Maybe it’s because I said it all the time as an infant and no one told me to stop. ‘Wooo’ isn’t funny wither, apparently. Tough crowd. Maybe I should give up my dreams of becoming a musical comedian, and I should talk about Lego, instead. (But between you and me, I only found out what the stuff was a year or so ago. I sure did some hardcore blagging to find my way onto the podcast). I’m also happy writing for this site. Don’t be scared! :)

Ben

Hello, audience. If you’ve heard my podcast with James and Dan, I want to make one thing very clear: I’m not friends with the former. I’m only relatively tolerant of him because Dan is rude to him for me, saving my energy. If that sounds lazy to you, I sincerely apologise, but look what’s happened to Dan… He spends the whole time grinding his teeth, writing death threats to fictional people as a form of therapy, and punching walls. I don’t want to end up like him. Sure, I have considered wearing a balaclava and robbing James, but I find meditation, exercise and a healthy diet helps me. :) Anyway, what do I think of his site Wiedemann Comedy? Well it’s not comedy, is it? It’s a crazy person ranting.

Dan

IF I HEAR ONE MORE THING ABOUT JAMES, I WILL LITERALLY SMASH HIS FACE IN. GOD KNOWS HOW HE QUITE LITERALLY TURNED ME INTO A BICUIT TIN OF ALL THINGS, BUT HOW ISN’T IMPORTANT. WHAT’S IMPORTANT IS THE FACT I WILL GET HIM!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HUMILIATING IT IS FOR MY SPEAKING INTO A COMPUTER MICROPHONE TO ‘WRITE’ THIS PARAGRAPH, BECAUSE I CAN NO LONGER TYPE??? ALL I CAN DO IS FLAP MY LID UP AND DOWN, WHAT GOOD IS THAT??? FURTHERMORE, JAMES IS A CLUELESS MORON WHO DOESN’T FULLY UNDERSTAND WHAT LEGO IS, EVEN THOUGH HE’S ATTEMPTED TO TALK ABOUT IT A GOOD 30 TIMES NOW ON A SPECIAL LEGO PODCAST. HAS HE BEEN SCAKED YET? NO, HE HASN’T! YOU’D THINK ALL I’D HAVE TO DO WAS POINT OUT SOME SIMPLE FACTS TO MY BOSS, BUT HE DOESN’T CARE ANYMORE! IT’S ALL ABOUT THE RATINGS! >:( AAAAARGH!

Podcast Producer

What are my thoughts on Wiedemann Comedy? James’s (or Simon’s if you’re using the pseudonym) life is evidently focused around pizza, going to the gym and getting lost, and whilst 300 blogs of that sounds boring in theory, I think the site owner has pulled it off. I’m not sure if I want to hear what the difference between two random things is anymore, but his random word stories are fairly entertaining. However, it should be pointed out that the other short stories he ‘wrote’ actually happened. Not word for word, instead James relied mostly on word of mouth (apart from the things that happened to him of course, like when he tragically turned into a pigeon), and for that reason, James is a bit of a fraud. But at very least, he can peck words on his computer with at least some skill. His sitcom ‘The Supercharged Apprentice’ made a final shortlist of a competition, but it has been said that it’s offensive to mentally ill people. It’s a sad fact James hasn’t ever really redeemed himself in any shape or form. :( (But he’s good for ratings).

Captain Mental

Wiedemann Comedy? What is this nonsense? I’ve read the short stories on that site. Saying I’m related to a mad Irishman who fired sheep out of a cannon?? James/Simon/pigeon/whatever the hell he calls himself is going to get well and truly sued!! And briefly saying I’m not even a real person, but a figment of the imagination of a strange author called Sir George? A person who is even more obnoxious than a man who had a mental breakdown, impersonated a teacher and went to jail? Ok, James took that back, but such crazy stories stick!! EVERYONE who knows me says I’m responsible, hardworking, and friendly. The thought that I can’t catch a madman who dresses up in a Sausage Roll Costume is laughable. I mean there were quite literally HUNDREDS of times he could have been stopped in James’s writing!! Only I’m not laughing. I’m outraged. If that’s confusing to you, James… good! You have some serious explaining to do.

Constable Morgan

I fully stand by Captain Mental. He’s just called me and has told me how he’s been ridiculed in Wiedemann ‘Comedy’, and how he’s finally been given a chance to tell his side of the story. Mental is an absolutely wonderful person, whereas I’m assuming everyone who has been asked to post about James and his site says he’s a complete prick. Do you REALLY think ANY killer could just go around causing chaos with no one stopping him? It beggars belief! Ok, James has some funny jokes, I liked the one that goes ‘What do you call a lethargic policeman? Undercover,’ but’s it’s only funny because policemen are never lethargic. It’s irony, or whatever. His other joke ‘What do you call a kind, part time policeman? Po-lite’, isn’t so good and is hard to understand. And it’s not because I’m stupid actually, it’s just a poor joke.

Constable Smith

I really don’t care for Wiedemann Comedy at all. James has made me look like a complete moron! I’m praying I’m not alone in that, but I really doubt I am. Wait, I hear someone screaming outside… Oh good, he’s stopped. It was probably nothing. Anyway, I’m going to go on the offensive this time, and see how he likes that! So, James once tripped over his own shoelaces! Ohhhh! What a fool! And there was a time when he sneezed on his uncle by mistake! How embarrassing! Word is, he secretly did it on purpose! And there was this time when he dropped a pack of crisps on the ground, and he slipped on that, too! He fell over twice! Such a noob!!! THAT’S justice, what me, Morgan and Mental stand for. I bet you’re going to try and make a terrible joke about justice now, aren’t you? It would probably be like ‘What’s the difference between punishment and is? One’s justice, the other’s just iss’. Wow, I’m so funny! >:(

The Chief of Police

Don’t you worry James, I’m trying to get your site shut down, right now. Yes, the SRK has been on the run for a long time now, and I’m sure the rest of the force have bravely admitted that, but the madman is very clever. You on the other hand, aren’t and have an absolutely appalling taste in music, which I’m sure has been pointed out dozens of times, already. Your personality is both baffling and terrible, and YOU’RE THE CRIMINAL! You know when you were assessed by a prison psychiatrist, and he diagnosed you with ALL the personality disorders? That’s not normal! Yes, that happened in real life just the once before in one of ‘your sketches’, (plagiarising again, much??), but your so called ‘friend’ is a freak too and you need to accept that. Oh wait, you think that’s a good thing and you consider yourself some kind of ‘collector’. You think of brain disorders as Pogs. -_- That’s all from me, but you’ll be hearing from my lawyer, soon.

Epic Dave

What do I think of Wiedemann Comedy? I think James is funny. His blog is a bit on the mundane side, though. I could write some REALLY out there blogs, if James is willing to work with me. I don’t care if he’s a pigeon, back to a man again, or even a rat which has been said by at least one police officer I came across just today, (actually I think it was Mental), but I don’t know if that was meant literally. Could be, but who knows for sure in these times? Want to hear of the time I saved Mental from an angry mob, then pushed him over a fence? I bet you do! Call me!

Keema Nan

Love your site! I particularly liked the stuff where Mental looks like an idiot! What a fool! Want to read a palindrome I wrote just for you? Check this out: 132435464534231 Spot the pattern? It took me a while to come up with it, but hard work pays off, right? Between you me and your readers, I’ve been gathering hundreds and hundreds of spoons and forks from restaurants and shops, hiding them in extra large, comedy shoes, and am planning to dump them in a trampoline park! It was the most random thing I could come up with! If that doesn’t freak people out, I don’t know what will!!!! I’m glad you published my ‘Reign In Blood’ music review on your site. That was a while ago now, but I still thinks it’s the most intense reviews that’s listed! Pretty sweet!

The Sausage Roll Killer

Hey James, remember when I turned you into a pigeon? Great times, great times. I feel a bit nervous writing this paragraph as I worry my computer could be traced and Mental could arrest me, but come on, he’s a moron. You know when I sellotaped other people’s hair to my face as a disguise? Sounds like a bad disguise, right? Actually, with the hair, I stared right through Mental’s eyes and he completely ignored me! Then I pulled a tin of fish from my pocket, threw it at him like a frisbee, then he just opened the can and started eating! Complete nutcase! Anyway, I love how you’ve been writing about my life, you must have sources all over the place. I on the other hand have sauces all over the place - fish sauce! I know you like to write jokes, and I hope I made you laugh. Laters!

Henry the Sneaky Salmon

Mmm, that was good salmon. Not too tough, not too soft. Perfect, even. Heaven. Oh sorry, I’m meant to write a paragraph on Wiedemann Comedy? To be honest James, I find it rather silly. I understand that you have a lighthearted take on the world, but there’s no room for goofing around when you have serious goals. Like I do. You may dream of meeting friends who don’t feel sick around you, but I dream of running a salmon farm. Again, that’s a real goal for you. I pray that one day, you see the light. Now let me eat my fish in peace. God knows there isn’t much serenity when the moronic SRK is with me all the time. >:(

Gary the Sneaky Sardine

I bet you’ve called me Gary the Sneaky Sardine, right? My life doesn’t completely revolve around fish, you know? That’s a fallacy. Just call me Gary. Sneaky Gary is fine, too. I’m always sneaky, otherwise I would have been caught, right? Ok, Henry, the SRK and I kind of walked past Mental with hair stuck to our faces, as we said stuff like ‘There’s a DVD rental! I sure would love to flap rental’s lace and bunch his pose!’ The way his looked at us! I’ve never seen anyone more confused. It was really funny! Then he ate some fish!! Anyway, got to go and see Mr. Squeeze…

Deceased Police Robot, restored

I’ve just downloaded the Wiedemann Comedy site, and my analysis is that James/Simon (I can’t work out who is who either) needs to get a life. His technofear is what really gets to me. He says people shouldn’t use grammarly, he says computers are often infected with viruses (how would he like it if I said he is diseased, which he is, just mentally), and he even says that he hates computers! Does he have any idea how offensive that is? He’s the one who spends most of his life on a computer! Really he should be giving us robots more respect! Do you know where he’d be without even a simple calculator? Nowhere! How would he work out the average scores of the comedy contest that he runs (and only five people visit) without such a tool?? Oh wait, it doesn’t matter, as only one person, maximum is in his contests now!! -_-

CEO of Evil Hawaiians

Thank you for giving me a chance to speak my mind. I can only apologise about all the pizzafications that I’ve caused. I myself have turned into a pizza, and the sad truth is, I may not have much longer to live. I’m dripping sauce all over my computer keyboard making typing very sticky and consequently hit and miss, and the slice I’m using to type is starting to wear away. I have to sleep in a pizza box, so all kinds of things don’t eat me, and my bread is going hard. This is hell. However, I know this blog is supposed to be a celebration (or at least I think it is), so I’ll end on this positive note: I’ve had a great life, it was delicious. Bye.

Nurse who treated pizza victims

Hello, Wiedemann Comedy and best wishes. To cut a long story short, I always thought I could handle the sight of blood, now I can’t even bear to look at tomato sauce. I’ve seen so many pizzas bobbing up and down on their two feet in distress, I’ve changed as a person. For a while, I considered retiring, but I’ve realised it’s better to serve than to just give up. I’ve also started giving therapy to the EH CEO which breaks my heart. Seeing him trying to relax in his pizza box is sticking in my mind even as I’m typing this up. Having said that, Papa John’s is apparently absolutely amazing and more importantly safe, but there are some who say it’s only available in a parallel universe. It’s all very complicated. (Yep, that’s true, PJ isn’t available in the One Screwy Day universe. I must point out that I can travel through both universes though, in case you’re confused. It’s very complicated - James). Much love and peace. Have a great day.

Man who tidied up spoons and forks

I’m getting sick of this cutlery dumping trend made popular by Keema Nan! It was random for a while and mildly amusing, even. Even I chuckled a bit at first, now it’s getting boring and predictable. And think of the people and businesses getting robbed! Now they’ll have to eat with their hands! Of course that won’t mean anything to the granny as she is rumoured to even eat soup with her fingers. It’s not big, it’s not clever, it’s just blatant attention seeking. Very sad. Grow up. And don’t you think I could better spend my time cutting hedges and making everything look nice and pretty? I do.

Man who washed palindromes off buildings

I’ve cleared so many palindromes it’s really started to affect me. You have no idea how addictive they are. As I’m typing this up, 111121111 I’m seriously fighting the urge to create my own symmetrical numbers. 1331331. I don’t know what to do!!! 124421. That was a good one. How about this 55855. AAAARGHH! I can’t stop!!!! I have to go!

Sir George

Wow, this Wiedemann Comedy site really is getting out of hand. It’s not run by a pigeon called James actually, someone has found my life’s work and has posted it online without my permission. When I find out who, he is going to get well and truly sued. However, I’m spending a lot of my time running the country (yep, I’m Prime Minister again) so I don’t have the time to stop whoever is responsible. However again, I have countless people working for me, so your plagiarising days will be no more!! I mean, who could ever believe someone like Simon Wiedemann or James could ever exist?? You’ve all been powned! I made them up!!

Once Evil Swan (Now Reformed)

Hi. :) To my great, everlasting shame, I once tried to stab someone with a knife in my beak, now I’m spreading peace. As Sir George is a good friend of mine who has contacted me about this blog and told me to speak out, I have to back up what he says. Every word you’ve read was written by him. (No. It. Wasn’t. - James). Me and my other friend, Pickles, would also like to take this opportunity to say ‘warm hugs and endless supplies of bread and catnip!’ Can you imagine that?? That’s what we’re trying to make happen! Not just for us, but for everyone! I assure you, mankind is missing out! Bye!!! x x x Or should I say… HISSSSSSS!!!! :P

The Dominant Egg

Wow, I’m really allowed to write my own paragraph? I thought my role would have been too small. :O Having said that, I don’t know what to write, I’m just a simple egg. No, no, I take that back. There was this time someone nearly dropped me. Luckily if humans fall a couple of feet they just get bruised, if eggs get dropped, they explode!! It’s not easy being an egg you know? I’ve seen many of my friends boiled alive and turned into cakes! You know what? I think that’s the reason I’ve been such a controlling egg. Maybe if people would leave me alone, I’d leave them alone. :( I’ve been reading lots of Freud. I’m a very deep egg, I think.

Ok, I’m done! Is Simon Wiedemann James, or is James Simon Wiedemann?? Or are both Sir George? Whatever the case (James is the writer), I hope you had fun but sadly for me, there is a LOT to proofread. Just one of the hazards of writing a superblog! Let’s end things here, I don’t want to make things worse for myself. Bye!