Blog 317 (Contest 57)

I’m sharing a video by Matt Jones, again! Hopefully he isn’t creeped out by me/accusing me of cyber stalking, it’s just easy to keep approaching the same person over and over again. That’s all. :) I mean, messaging someone you’ve never even talked to before and don’t know the first thing about is kind of awkward. It’s like ‘Hello! I don’t know who you are, but would you mind me writing about you and sharing my post with other people you and I don’t know? Many if which I presume (hope) are mentally ill. Also, I might mock you and make you look silly, again to schizophrenics who could take what I say literally. But I wouldn’t mean it. Also, if you agree to let me promote you, I will contact you again at a later date. And if you ignore me, I’ll contact you once more, just to make sure you didn’t miss my message. But probably no more than that, which is something!! I’ve made mistakes in the past when promoting a comedy show I worked for, and have grown. Lastly, you know the ‘Special thumbs up’ you get? It’s meaningless. My ‘competition’ you entered to get it? It only included you. Thanks!’ ;)

Anyway, Matt’s sketch. He gets humour from boasting about how quickly he parks cars which I’m sure will be funny for most people, but really it makes me feel a strong sense of jealousy and rage. In fact, when forced to park in tight spaces, I feel a genuine sense of dread, no exaggeration. I guess you can’t please all people all the time. Even him getting any job at all (in his case as a valet) is something I do admire. A smart and levelheaded guy. Wow. Matt ‘jokes’ that the hardest jobs in the world are president of the United States, navy seal, and valet. (Or ’ballet’ as the automatically generated subtitles say, which would be fair enough, even if it’s not proper English - it’s ‘ballet dancer’!!) Yep, they sound like three very tough professions to me. But maybe I’d have mentioned taxi driver too, in that not only do you have to park, you have to actually remember where to go! And talking to customers to lighten the atmosphere? Dear God can I not do that. Quite the opposite in fact.

Anywho, check out his vid, below!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkoJJAbJesw

Now what else to say about it? Oh yes, an unexpected ego boost! Matt boasts that when you’re a valet, you have to drive with a gear stick AND automatically. I can drive using a stick! (And I presume automatically). I actually use such a device intuitively! Fantastic! That’s the kind of material I like. If only he said he parks like a blind old lady. I don’t really want that to be true, but at least pretend for me. And before you say driving with a stick is easy, my car has five positions and each has its own unique purpose. One is for pulling away, the second is largely but not always for roundabouts (confusing stuff), the third is for moderate speeds, and the last two are more badass. And you thought cars just take you from point A to B? Ha. No no, they take you to places in more than FOUR different ways. Sound silly? Well you try going 70 mph on the motorway in first gear. That’s something to be very fearful about. I don’t know what would happen, but it can’t be good.

I know what you’re thinking: ‘Contest 57, and it’s not related to Heinz at all??’ Let me fix that for you: You know what? I like tomato sauce. I haven’t had it in a while, but I do miss it. Here’s a related and interesting fact: In America, salt and vinegar on chips isn’t really much of a thing like it is in England. Talk about culture shock! In the USA, crisps are called ‘chips’ which does make sense, but crisps makes sense too, so don’t judge. However, I can judge Americans. He we go: ‘French fries' (AKA ‘chips’) should really be called BELGIAN fries. (I think). How’s that make you feel?? Powned. Other than that, I like the country and its city and state names that copy English ones. You know what? I think there should be a New Hampshire. The original Hampshire is first rate. Ok, that’s it from me, byeeee!