Blog 342 (Contest Blog 62)

I have another Matt Jones video for you! You may remember last month I posted his standup routine, here’s another! Well actually it’s the same one, just a fair bit longer. I hope Matt knows that I did watch the whole of his latest video when I asked to share it and that I know it has some of the same material in it. Otherwise he could be thinking ‘Simon’s asking to use one of my standup routines again? Has he even watched it? It’s just that… it’s the same one as last time… He is SO rude not to even bother watching my stuff!’ But of course I watched it, otherwise it would be literally impossible for me to comment on it, wouldn’t it? Unless he thinks I’m getting someone else to do my work for me. If so, I get it, it’s easy to be paranoid sometimes, just remember if you DO have schizophrenia, it’s best to treat it as soon as possible. Otherwise you could end up being worse than ME. :S

What do I have to say about his latest work? I’m going to say exactly the same thing as last month, but make my blog slightly longer! Joking of course, that would be so bad. Almost as bad as the time someone in my school was told to give a presentation on his favourite subject, and he chose the topic of how to make the perfect sandwich. Sounds perfectly reasonable? Well I heard it simply went like this: To make the perfect sandwich, you need butter and a slice of bread! :D’ That was it. Of course that didn’t go down well AT ALL. Anyway, Matt’s new video. He points out that people under 5 foot 9 can’t donate sperm. I’m under 5 foot 9 as is Matt. Do I have a disability? I wonder what other ‘good traits’ you have to have to donate sperm? I bet you have to have loads and loads. In fact, I bet that only one person qualifies, and he’s trying to take over the world by stealth. What Matt should have pointed out is that short people make better pilots. And who gets hurt the most if they trip over?? So ha.

Matt later says that other people try to hook him up with other women who are small, and he points out how stupid that is. Actually, maybe not. Did you know 97% of men have partners who are shorter than them. (I read). So there you go. In fact, Matt also says he already has a girlfriend shorter than him… Proof! I don’t know why men want women who are shorter than them, but if I had to guess I’d say it was because they make better fighter pilots. Maybe I SHOULD beef this blog up by repeating some of the stuff I said last time… I mean if he keeps saying ‘suck on these nuts’ over and over again, he clearly believes what he says is some of his best material and I should point that out too. Again. I guess it was alright, but personally I found it more aggressive than anything. I thought the sperm donor stuff was his best as it was wacky humour. I mean I have something wrong with me? Is that was Matt’s saying??? Surrrrre. Now check out his video below!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_cGRoVXpDA

Now to change the subject! Why does the person who takes my monthly blood tests block her calls so I don’t know whether to answer or not?? Does she have anything to hide? If so, what?? Maybe she’s doing sinister experiments with my blood and doesn’t want me to know she’s not in her office. As in ‘if that freak Simon won’t get therapy from me, I’ll examine his blood chemistry. And if that doesn’t work I’ll clone him and experiment on him. Get answers that way. Sure no one has cloned a human yet, but Simon has more in common with a rat.’ I know that’s what they’re thinking. Similarly, why does it have to be impossible to phone her back? Maybe if I realised that my phone calls were so expensive she’d know I was onto her. Why are my phone bills the same price as phone calls to Area 51 in America?? That’s odd. And on that sinister but likely note… Bye!