Chocolate Binge! (Blog 245)

Later on today, my brother and his family will be visiting me and my dad, so we can all get together and binge on chocolate. Unfortunately, I was late going to the shops, so I couldn’t buy any Easter eggs. They all ran out, so I just bought boxes of chocolate, instead, making that one of the mildest cases of child neglect of all time. I’m hoping no one cares about the shape of their food, or there will be disappointments, but now I’m a mature and reasonable 32 year old, egg shapes mean little to me. Maybe I can pass on my wisdom. (And it is wisdom). ‘But won’t you get fat eating so much of the stuff?’ This may be a bit controversial, but I plan on skipping my meals/eating small ones. Is eating nothing but rubbish for a day a good idea? I doubt it, but to be fair, I’ve just eaten some fruit. Go me, right? Those of you who have read my ‘Simon’s Special Therapy Method’ monologue, will know I’m no expert on psychology either (unless my idea that you should simply be forgetful and eat some grapes, IS good), but at least I’m trying something new. P.S., I don’t know what my obsession with the fruit is about. I guess if you buy mixed red and green grapes and rearrange them, you can get a traffic light effect, which is sort of entertaining. Lockdown just makes me feel desperate.

‘Why don’t you get some exercise later to burn off the calories?’ Oh, if only I could. I kind of fell over whilst running recently, and it hurts to move my knee. Apparently you need to eat more food after an injury, so I guess that’s at least a bit of a win for me. For a double whammy win I could exercise with my painful knee so I can burn off extreme calories, but intuitively that sounds wrong. I’m sure my idea of marathon running with broken legs would be a complete disaster. You know what? I think I’m going to go to the shops and get a can of Pimm’s and Lemonade for later! I guess I’ll get a meal too, just in case I see reason. Naturally I’m not going to binge on alcohol. A mixed food and drink freakout really would be a complete assault on the body. It wouldn’t know what the hell to do, I’m sure. And naturally you shouldn’t binge on drinks even on their own, or you’ll die. To pass the time, I’m touching the scab on my hand, (also from falling over). I don’t know why, but it’s strangely comforting. I love the way my wound is without any feeling. It’s like I’m touching someone else’s scabby hand, you really must try it out, the next time you trip over.

What else to talk about in the meantime? Well, how about this for a prank?: Everyone throws their burger in a street bin after taking one bite. A tramp retrieves a thrown away burger, but everyone shakes their heads at him as the seller sees. The tramp ignores the head signals, has a bite and throws up everywhere as everyone gasps in horror. Talk about bad for business, right?? Now I will be insightful: Never underestimate the importance of the comma. Here are two band names separated by the punctuation: Saprophyte, and Blastomycosis. Pretty crazy names, right? Well check THIS out: Saprophyte and Blastomycosis! Without the comma, it becomes one name, doesn’t it? That’s a REAL name! Or even Saprophyte Blastomycosis In Asymmetry. Where did I get those names? Don’t worry I wasn’t being dangerously random, they’re some of the acts I’m reviewing/came across when reviewing. Phew!

Hm. Still need to pass some time. Let’s talk about my favourite album names… I really like Slayer’s ‘South of Heaven’. A lesser band would just say ‘Hell’. In fact, after doing some research, there are a few albums of the same name. Interestingly, James Brown has an album called ‘Hell’. It surely is the funkiest release about eternal suffering in the world. Ok, the album ‘Paranoid’ by Black Sabbath has a fairly standard name, but its track titles are fairly interesting. The song ‘Paranoid’ never has the word ‘paranoid’ in the lyrics; ‘Planet Caravan’ never has the words ‘planet caravan’; ‘Hand of Doom’ doesn’t have the words ‘hand of doom’; and ‘Rat Salad’ doesn’t have the words ‘rat salad’. (Ok, to be fair, that one’s an instrumental). As far as I’m aware, that’s a record breaker for my collection at least. Is that amazing for you? It is for me. Then again, I have some unusual hobbies. Abnormal song spotting is just one of them.

Ok! Family get together is now over! Thankfully I ate much less chocolate than I expected as my brother forgot to bring the eggs. I basically ate most of my dad’s stuff. To be honest, I hope my brother keeps forgetting as I really don’t want to eat rubbish all the time. In an ideal world, I’d be able to control myself around sugar. It’s bad enough trying to stop myself buying the stuff in shops, if I’ve already bought it, my mouth is like a chocolate magnet. It’s simply too difficult resisting. I have to be honest, as I’m typing this up I’m feeling pretty sick. Imagine how bad things could have been. What else happened in the get together other than eating? Just a lot of talking basically, I wasn’t really paying attention. My brother’s baby didn’t seem to be paying attention either, but she has an excuse - she’s only two. If only people treated me like a two year old. No, that sounds wrong. Hmm. What else to say? Eating and talking, that was pretty much it. Oh yeah, and we watched a motorbike video, where the drone filming the thing was going just as fast as the two wheeler. Isn’t that crazy? Much amazement was felt be everyone. That’s all. Bye!