Christmas Party Madness (Blog 487)

Yesterday, I went to another London Comedy Writers Christmas party! Last year I just sat down for a while, had a drink and then went home, so was the latest celebration any better? I’ll get onto that soon. I was talking about the perils of updating my computer, but the upgrade does seem to have fixed my random cyber-wallpaper changes. Famous last words, right? I bet things go back to ‘normal’ tomorrow. Negatively however, the update also seems to have caused my Facebook profile picture deletion. Does that sound right? Probably not. Whatever the case, I’ll give it a few more days and then I’ll upload the same old pic again. I’m kind of nervous about updating my picture. What if I think something controversial like ‘joyride!’ at the time of the picture taking and it shows on my face? Super embarrassing. I could just try my hardest to think nothing, but that would probably look worse. A shame really as I find such lack of thoughts very easy, even though it is a look that’s frowned upon in most situations.

Remember when I was talking about taking medication to stop drooling? It DOES work but not completely, so on Monday and before getting my repeat prescription, I phoned my doctor and asked her if I could take two tablets before going to bed instead of one. Yep, no problem whatsoever. I was worried she’d say something like ‘no, your mouth would dry up too much and you’d die shortly after’ but again, no. Even so, I was worried when taking a double dose for the first time also on Monday, as it stuck with me when the doctor I visit a few weeks ago said the meds ‘would make me suffer’. Nope, not really. After the twin dose I just slept better and of course, drooled even less. That’s it. When getting my train ticket in advance from the station yesterday, I noticed a man dressed up as a king. Ah, he was going to a fun festive party, too? Well what’s festive about a king? Sadly it actually suggests a mental breakdown. I’m sure the guy WANTS to be a king, to me it suggests low self-esteem. On the plus side, he should be treated with kindness in this special time of year where everyone helps each other. Unless he’s travelling to London, which is very likely as that’s the only direction the train goes to. Apparently people are rude there, but of course I’ve noticed nothing strange whatsoever.

As I’m typing this up a few hours before the party, I haven’t got TOO much to say, so let’s talk about Metal Rules, again. I HAVE done 5 reviews, but they may not all show up where they usually do on the site as 1 or 2 of the critiques don’t qualify as metal. To be clear, some of my articles may be posted somewhere else on the webpage. Trust me, I have done work. Please don’t think ‘All Simon has done for one or two days is sit and do nothing and not even think.’ Again, it’s true I am in that state of mind a lot of time but never for two days straight which I think is something. If I was, maybe it’s time for a doctor checkup. I’m also going to rate the best albums of the year for MR, so if you don’t hear from me for another day, that’s why. Again I AM working and not competing for the nutter of the year award. Competition is stiff and I’m humble enough to know I probably wouldn’t win. Runner up maybe? Oh yes, and I said I was going to print out a map so I could find the party, screw it THIS time my drawn map will work, I really do think I added all the details necessary. I guess I’ll find out. I’ve written out the trains I’ll need to catch by hand in great detail, complete detail in fact, so if something goes wrong there I am going to lose all hope in my navigating abilities. Forever.

Hm, now what to say? I know, let’s talk about Dream Theater’s new song ‘A Broken Man.’ It’s certainly dramatic, isn’t it? Not one of their best songs in terms of songwriting, but at very least it’s impossible to bored when listening to it. For that reason, it’s great music for getting you out of bed! It’s awful music to play during a surgical procedure, though. I think there is a time and a place for all music. Apart from maybe the song that goes ‘I would walk 500 miles’ etc., I always thought that song was annoying. And I like walking. Didn’t the band who sung that come from Scotland? A place with great scenery? The band are basically saying they’d do something they really like for the person they’re singing about, wow, what a sacrifice. I guess that’s why the song is so cheerful. Here’s a random thought: Doesn’t the term ‘Sociopath’ sound friendly to you? As in ‘look, he’s walking down the socio path! i.e., the path where everyone is friendly and sociable’. The psycho path sounds a lot worse, so that term can remain the same. Wise words from me, I should have been a psychologist. But a psychologist with schizophrenia? It makes you wonder about all the crazy stuff I could end up saying about my patients. Although… think how popular I’d be with the patients who are simply looking for attention…

Right, now to blog about the party! Because the overground train was running late, part of the journey skipped some stops to save time… but not my stop! Great stuff. The underground trains went pretty well too, but there was a point where I gazed at my written journey instructions for just a little bit in contemplation. A rail worker approached me and asked me where I was going, I said ‘Borough’ and she told me to go upstairs before I could work out where to go, I assume just so she could belittle my navigational abilities. But it was appreciated as I wouldn’t have worked that out on my own, so it was actually me that won. After that, I continued acing the underground system. When I finally arrived at the last stop, I got my map out. Oh no, I was too confident with my drawing skills and I thought I was going to get lost once more. I guess through intuition, I walked down the road that just seemed right, and you know what? After spotting the gym both in the city and on my map, I was proved to be right with my directions! I thought I wouldn’t be able to remember where the partying place was after a whole year, but I was soon proved wrong. I wonder why that was. Maybe because I’m now on the multirole wonder drug that stops drooling AND helps with memory! So yeah, after just five minutes or so of walking, I found where the party was, but I was almost an hour early.

I was so sure of my apparently new found memory abilities, I went for a ten minute walk to get some lasagne, where not only did I get food, I met yet another old mental home resident. I have a list of all of them in my head, and she was another who I can safely tick off. Back in the party venue and almost alone I ate my delicious cold lasagne. I asked for it hot, but the main thing was that it wasn’t raw. If it was raw, that WOULD make me mad and rightly so. The venue had some pretty loud music, so I asked if the staff had any eardrums. Unsurprisingly they didn’t as they pretty much only sold drinks, but it didn’t matter as I spotted some napkins which I tore into small pieces and shoved into my ears. That would have to do. I wore my jumper’s hood up so I didn’t look stupid, but put it back down after I realised it wasn’t really cold enough to have on. Ah, who cares? Still pretty much alone I ordered a whisky and egg drink. The latter ingredient sounded horrible to me, but the whisky sounded good so maybe things would balance out. Actually I liked the whole package! Yum yum. As it was happy hour, I could have another identical drink for just £1. I didn’t really want it, but what a bargain! How could I refuse?

As more people arrived, I thought I noticed a sign on the wall saying ‘no ducks’ but someone explained the crossed out picture was actually in the shape of a goose. Well that makes more sense, doesn’t it? Does the place have a problem with visitors bringing in geese? If so, are ducks allowed then?? There was also a Buzz Lightyear toy on display as well as a bicycle on the wall. Shortly after drinking my excellently priced beverages I was feeling relaxed but not exactly dizzy. However, after even more people arrived and someone wanted to get past me, making me leave my seat, I realised I couldn’t stand properly. Dammit. On the plus side, the same person from last year who provided chips for everyone did the same thing again, and I was I think the person who ate most of them. Again, yum. The various conversations people had included the meanings of obscure words and stuff like that. It was my time to shine with my story about the differences between the words ‘assume’ and ‘presume’. I like to think I was admired. I also talked about Schrodinger’s cat and my super rare sighting of ball lightning as a child. I also boasted about getting to the place on my own.

Someone else said that an infinite amount of monkeys would never type up the complete works of Shakespeare. I heard that too, but why?? I mean it’s infinity! They can surely type a single word, at what point do things get too ridiculous?? After the sitting and chip thieving came the karaoke! You could choose what song you wanted to sing along to, but my search of ‘death metal’ had no results. :( The songs that were on offer were just as bass-heavy though, and my napkin earplugs just weren’t effective enough. I went to the toilet to get some toilet paper eardrums (partly for the variety) but again, they didn’t work as much as I’d like. But at least I could finally move properly again without the risk of falling over. One person singing actually had a pretty good voice, he was just nervous. I hope that had nothing to do with me. To save my ears, I left around 9 PM and I perfected the subway trains for a final time. Because I arrived at the final overground station a bit early, my stop didn’t show on the electric sign, just the stops that were prior, but I basically mastered that station as well after someone explained to me what was going on. And that’s it! Bye!