Comedy Contest 32! (Blog 195)

This is literally getting ridiculous now. You would not BELIEVE how many standup comedians I’ve judged that have violent routines! Much more than I previously hinted at. This month’s winner Samantha Serna even started out her set by saying ‘I want to kill some people!’ No build up, no mention of other topics, she gets straight to it. Whilst pushing the boundaries just a little, she’s making me look bad. I’m sure many are thinking ‘Simon, why do you KEEP making psychopaths winners??’ I can’t stress enough…: All comedians are! It makes me wonder if all psychopaths are comedians. As in, ‘I’m going to mug you. But here’s a joke, first! Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side! Meheheh.’ (No, muggers aren’t often professional comics I’m sure, but everyone starts somewhere. My first attempts at humour included me telling my classmates how many tiles were in my kitchen. Needless to say, I didn’t get the reaction I was hoping for). The person I judged to come second was being a genuine innovator. You could say she was being outrageous - no aggression at all.

Anyway, Sam: Interestingly she says she doesn’t want to be deported from Australia. I don’t mean to worry her, but I heard you can be sectioned (and then deported, I’m assuming) simply for attacking inanimate objects! I would understand why attacking PEOPLE with inanimate objects would cause alarm, but not the objects themselves. Unless they feel pain. If so, I have caused very many atrocities to pens and packets of food, etc. In school I even tortured pencils by sharpening them in front of teachers, and would you believe they just let me? Cold hearted scum. Of course I didn’t know I was causing harm, but that’s rarely a defence in a court of law, is it? Unless I plead insanity. Which maybe I could. Here’s my advice for Sam: Don’t say you hurt anyone! Again, not even objects. Don’t be fooled by trick questions that seem to come out of nowhere. For example, if someone says to you: ‘Sorry, as I’ve been taking notes about you, my pencil broke. Do you have a sharpener?’, say ‘No! Who do you think I am? Here, have a new pencil!’ Do so and you should be fine. Anyway, check out her stuff, below!

https://www.facebook.com/schoolofhardknockknocks/videos/259375541770560/

Now how to change the subject? Hmmm. Ok, here’s what the news on my computer in front of me says (yes, I know I said I would stop talking about the news in my blog, and I know it will be out of date by the time I finally post this stuff, but hey). Here goes ‘Royals say lockdown ‘stressful’ on mental health.’ Is that REALLY news? Would it be news if Prince Harry said ‘cold weather can cause a runny nose’? Would it be news if Queen Elizabeth said ‘it’s important to eat food’? What is the point of writing a news article so brainless? Sure it features important people who I’m sure are intelligent, but you could argue that makes things worse. It would be like Einstein saying ‘10+10 = 20’ in one of his lectures. You’d wonder if he was ok. Anyway, that’s all from me, byeeeeeeeee.