Comedy Terror! (Blog 217)

Yesterday, with high hopes and a belief that anything could happen if I tried, I planned to go to the Bill Murray comedy club in Angel, London. I know you know what happened. I got lost not only on the trains but the walk to the venue, too. It was quite incredible. A double whammy. First one of the stations I needed to travel to wasn’t running properly or whatever, (I dunno the reason and I don’t care), so I had to change the route. In my defence, really I could only know what to do at the time if I was either psychic or perhaps more impressively, knew London stations off by heart. You know what? I think I’d rather have the latter skill as it would end a lot of stress. How useful is reading people’s thoughts when you know what they’re thinking - ‘idiot’. Anyway, really I only truly know a couple of stations - London Bridge as I’ve been there many, many times, and Elephant and Castle, because it sounds so exciting. Sadly, factually inaccurate, though. However, after pressing the help button I eventually found my way to the last stop. :D

Boy was I overconfident with the hand drawn map I made. Despite all the details and almost 10 place names, I walked around aimlessly for a LONG time. I thought going in all directions would lead to success in the end, but all I succeeded in doing was a world class dementia impersonation. Mix the looking around over and over with my confused face and you get something pretty damn convincing. After about half an hour or so, I started getting desperate and had to do some hardcore sprinting. I don’t mean to brag, but I can run pretty fast when I’m in the right (or wrong) situation. I actually hurt my knees. However, that was even more aimless as the walking, meaning I was simply going nowhere faster than I was before. It wasn’t good. In fact, I was genuinely concerned I’d have to give up and go home, but by that time I didn’t even know where the station was anymore. :S

By complete accident I came across an area that was at least associated with taxis. I’m not sure if it was a taxi ‘base’ or whatever ever you call the things and again, I don’t care. (Maybe that’s what my problem is). Not then, not now, not ever. I just want to forget the whole experience. Needless to say, the fact these same scenarios keep happening over and over is truly alarming. Maybe even abnormal in the extreme. Soon enough, I saw something that looked taxi-ish, I guess. I asked the driver if he was driving one and he was! Phew! I asked him what the time was and he said ’ten to nine!’ That meant I was 50 minutes late and I had been on foot almost two and a half hours! (I don’t know the exact duration as I had no watch, but keeping up with theme, maybe I don’t want to know). Then he said ’Sorry, I meant ten to eight’. Still one and a half hours is pretty bad. When you find out how long it should have taken you will rub your eyes at least once. :O :O :O

Even though the prior had obviously been a complete disaster, at least I didn’t lose anything. If I lost my map I’d be particularly screwed. I wouldn’t be able to show the taxi driver where to drive, as he didn’t know where the Bill Murray was (at least at first) and he needed to know the street name. He’d be like ‘Where do you want to go?’ I’d say ‘The Bill Murray’, he’d say ‘Where’s that?’, and I’d say ‘Ahem. I don’t know… So… can you help?’ Anyway, luckily I could show him the street it was on. He then came to his senses and took me exactly to where the club was. I literally got there at the last minute which was pretty cool, to be fair. What wasn’t so cool was the fact the journey took around ten minutes, meaning I was so lost some kind of brain disorder seems more than likely. So yeah. Maybe I do have dementia. :(

What a relief, then! Well not really as during the performance I was quite concerned I’d be stranded in London, which spoilt things. If I’d have to resort to a taxi company (which alone wouldn’t be too easy to find, based on personal experiences), the journey home would probably cost in the hundreds of pounds. I bet it would be an unusual trip for the cab workers, too as I assume they specialise in the local area. On the plus side, the performers were pretty funny. Were they funny enough to un-traumatise me? Nope. Was the fact I was sitting at the back of the room (by far my favourite position) enough to un-despairify me? Again, no. However, it did mean I’d be the first to leave the area, and it was earlier proven that seconds really do count. Also, I was glad the acts never interacted with me, as I’d give mostly dull answers. They’d be like ‘Where are you from?’ and I’d be like ‘England…’ Wow. It could have been good if they asked me my thoughts on the area, though. Time to go on a bit of a rant…

Would you believe the walk back to the station took five minutes? That made me feel foolish. Even worse was the fact I only had to walk in two straight lines. Far from complicated. But at least I found a use for my map in the end. Even so, I had to prepare for the chaos of the train stations. I used my initiative though, and completely got rid of all thoughts of going back the way I came as I couldn’t even remember what I did. (Yes, again, drop it). I used a similar route that I knew from the London Comedy Writers meeting and all was well. In the end. Worryingly I forget to wear my mask for a few minutes, so I may or not be fined :S but at least I cared. There were three guys who were more than happy without their’s. Ok, that was the day out. In the next one, I’ll be fine. I’m convinced. Bye!