Delayed Spicy Christmas! (Blog 232)

I finally celebrated Christmas in a weird way, yesterday! Even better, it was 100% legal. ‘You mean you saw your brother, his wife, child and mini child with your dad?’ I sure did. ‘How?? Did you withhold your coughs and sneezes?’ No, there was no need. As my brother’s wife is a nurse, she got all the necessary people tested for the virus and everyone was fine. (Needless to say being healthy is extremely important. Though if you did have the condition, people would probably assume you were clear, as long as you tried to act cheerful when you say you were examined and didn’t actually tell them the results. But let’s never do that. It’s dishonest. I don’t really know why I had that thought. Maybe it’s because I’m a very big thinker. It’s not that I had a desire to celebrate Christmas illegally on the 25th).

A few days before they visited, I had a bit of a moral qualm concerning Christmas cards for my sister in law… Scenario 1 was that I buy her a card, but she wouldn’t end up getting me one, making me look creepy. Scenario 2 was that I wouldn’t get anything but she would, making me look like an asshole. Scenario 3 was that we both get a card and everything would go fine, and lastly, scenario 4: I buy a card, but wouldn’t give it to my sister in law if I found she didn't bother. I therefore give it to a complete stranger as throwing it away would be a waste. Turns out no one felt awkward when I gave my papery gift and I didn’t get one back. Of course not. Why would they? I believe it’s called catastrophising. Silly Simon.

Time to open my presents, then! The gift I was particularly interested in was the Carolina Reaper Chilli Chocolate Bar I bought off Amazon. (Yes, I bought a present for myself. It’s not sad, it just means I had no chance of being disappointed. Ok, I’m arguably a little too old to be disappointed by Christmas, I’m not a child anymore, but I still CAN look forward to things at least a bit. So yeah). Because I’m extra hardcore, I ate a whole small block of the thing. Wow. :S :S :S It kept getting hotter and hotter for about a minute. If anyone tells you chocolates are girly, give them a reaper 'treat' to shut them up. Don’t force them to eat one though. It would technically be GBH. In an act of incredible bravery, I later had another block. My thinking was I’d get used to the pain, but that wasn’t the case. If anything it was worse on the second attempt. Perhaps a warning sign from my brain to stop eating the stuff. However, a bigger warning would come later. On the plus side, I ate more than my sibling though, so that means I won.

Considering the bar only costs £4.50, it was incredible value for money. As I’m probably not going to touch it again, that means I have a lifetime’s supply. The Carolina Reaper Peanuts I bought were much less intense. Still hot, but not so bad, I actually popped down about half a bag. :) Interestingly nuts are considered to be more manly foods. Well not any more. Only badasses eat the chocolates I do. Well did. I also bought some Tactical Nuclear Penguin beer and it certainly is an acquired taste. My brother asked if it had to be drunk in one go, which I thought was strange as I’d never heard of a beverage that forced you to consume it. Then I realised he meant because it would go off. An easy mistake. The whisky I bought my dad was far more palatable and normal.

When I gave away the presents I bought, I had a little bit of trouble as they kind of stuck together. That’s because I used double sided tape. That’s just the price I had to pay for aesthetically pleasing presents. The only other tape I had was tacky and un-Christmassy. But I don’t really think it mattered. I didn’t notice anyone appreciating my wrapping technique, so screw it. When I gave my older niece my present and someone asked when it was, I had to admit I didn’t completely know. I mean I knew I got her pencils, but there certainly were some mystery items in the case. A little embarrassing, but I did MOSTLY know what I got her. And who doesn’t like a bit of mystery anyway. After that, I opened the presents my brother bought me. Some of my new CDs seem to have been purchased from a charity shop but I’m open minded. I’m checking them out as I’m typing and they’re pretty good. Can’t go wrong with indie music.

After the openings, I did the spiciest wee of my life. It was actually quite painful. Peeing fire may sound cool, but it’s not worth it. Fortunately I wasn’t literally peeing flames like the world's most bizarre soldier, though I did have to check I wasn’t peeing pure blood. Thank God I wasn’t. I was in quite a bit of pain for about half an hour afterwards, in fact. Still though, at least I’m not curious about my ‘foods’ any more. (Can they be called foods, though? I mean I’ve heard people say traditional chocolates aren’t real foods, even. If that’s the case, reaper chocolates probably qualify as poison or strange weapons). I swished some mouthwash after the ‘chocolate’, and wow, my mouth was on fire. If you’re one of the people on Amazon who complained about the strength of the cleaning fluid and gave it one star, the chilli version is particularly intense. Time to give a minus star. Oh wait, you can’t. Powned. And that’s all! Bye!