Dentists! (Blog 233)

Tomorrow I will going to the dentist! Interestingly, my vitamin D supplements will be running out on that day. Yes, it seems the tablets have acted as a form of countdown to an eventful occasion for the 3rd time in a row! (Ok, the last time wasn’t a PERFECT countdown, but it was close enough to impress me. And yes, you could say going to the dentist isn’t a TRUE event, but it is in these boring times). Because I’m a cynical individual, I really was planning on creating a blog title called ‘Vitamin Theory Debunked’. Obviously that’s not going to happen. At least for now. I wonder what my tablets will predict next time. I’ve bought another 120, so let’s say that in 120 days, this coronavirus business will be over with once and for all. If that happens… well… the price of the things would skyrocket. They’d be all over the TV and all sorts of stuff. If the tablets predict nothing but my fortnightly pizza day for example, that will obviously be less impressive, but I’d be willing to pay more for them.

On another note, I have to say I’m not looking forward to tomorrow. Hygiene appointments really hurt like hell. In fact I’d much rather eat my Carolina Reaper chocolate bar. That’s how much I hate the dentists. Ok, I wouldn’t want the WHOLE thing, that would make me violently ill, but two fiery blocks? No problem. If only I had the choice: Fire or scalpel to the teeth. Fire, please. Let’s be less morbid and talk about vitamins, again. I really don’t know if I need them anymore, as I’m living life to the fullest with my blinds up and letting in the sunlight now, but taking them as a form of psychic calendar is easier than doing 120 tallies. Maybe 120 is a magic number and tablets aren’t. Who knows. I heard three is a magic number, but something crazy happening that often? I don’t buy it.

Hmm… What else to say before tomorrow? Ok, I have a theory that me taking a fiery chocolate just before my appointment could take my mind off the pain of the cleaning equipment. Of course the dentist could look at me like I’m mental and say ‘What are you doing?’ in disbelief, but who cares in the grand scheme of things? I genuinely think that could work and it’s bugging me. To make things clear for the health worker, maybe I could ask his opinion of my idea. Unfortunately however, I have two dogs and me moving the mega sweets would be risky. What if I drop some by accident and my pets eat it? It most certainly won’t be fun for them. Not only would they be in a lot of pain, they’d be poisoned and I’d look like an abuser. When you take into consideration the fact the food could just add to my suffering rather than distract me from it, all in all it sounds like a bad idea, so I’ll leave it.

A day passes…

Because I’m hyper reliable (and prone to getting lost) I arrived at my appointment rather early. Not an issue, right? I don’t mind doing a bit of hanging around. Ahhh, of course… coronavirus. No one was allowed to sit indoors because of it, so all patients had to wait outside. But it was freezing outside. Surely that was the REAL thing that could make people ill? It wouldn’t have been so bad, but I had to freeze for about half an hour! One of the first things that was said to me when I was finally invited inside was ‘Your temperature’s low…’ Yes! Are you mental?? Why is that a surprise?? That’s what happens in these situations! I’m not powered by coal, you know? I’m only human so the weather affects me. If you don’t know that, I don’t feel comfortable with you operating on me, quite frankly. Just as I wouldn’t trust a mathematician who doesn’t know rudimentary time tables. And no, that’s not an exaggeration. Cold weather makes people cold. That’s more than obvious.

Luckily, soon after opening my mouth nice and wide whilst laying back in one of those chairs, I was told my teeth were very good. Did that cheer me up? I guess a little but as explained, I knew I would be in for some severe pain during my cleanup. Why the dentists can’t just use soap, I don’t know. To me, clawing away at people with pointy metal tools sounds like a strange way to clean someone. You wouldn’t wash a car by keying it would you? Again… never underestimate the power of good old soap. Like last time, I tried my best not to scream my head off during the cleansing, as if I didn’t, the dentist would stop and I wouldn’t get value for money. That’s the only reason I didn’t scream. I really wanted to, in part as a warning to the other patients. They probably got fillings with plastic explosives. Sure plastic explosives may make a reasonable filling in a way, but obviously there are better alternatives. Ok, NOW I’m being dumb. Right?

On the plus side, I was very happy when everything was over. What a relief! I was so happy, I forgot to book another appointment in 6 months time. (Or maybe subconsciously I just didn’t want to). Not to worry, I could do that by phone when I got home. Last time, they wanted to examine me on Christmas eve, this time they planned on torturing me on my birthday. I know that sounds paranoid, but these guys KNOW my date of birth. Further proof they are needlessly cruel. After the booking, I treated myself to some nice chocolate. Treat well earned in my opinion, and later I’ll have a bit of Tactical Nuclear Penguin. I wonder if that name means something, or it was just chosen because it sounds funny. If there is a deep meaning to it, I wonder what it could be. Apparently, tactical nukes are nukes that can be used on the battlefield with friendly forces in roughly the same area. (Sounds a bit risky to me). I’m picturing one of the birds waddling towards the enemy then exploding. A weird image and a weird beer. Maybe that’s the point. Bye!