Eased Lockdown! (Blog 204)

Sunday showed what happens when not taking a break from writing. First I said I wanted to shoot pyramids, because of trigonometry. See how the subject is based on triangles and the word sort of has ‘trigger’ in it. It wasn’t really funny, it didn’t make sense and it just made me look mental. I also pointed out that playing golf on the moon is dumb as there aren’t any holes, suggesting Neil Armstrong completely misunderstood the rules of the game and stuff like that. I said how it was strange you can listen to The Final Countdown more than once and ‘crazy’ parents are right to think computers are evil because of the words ‘con souls’ alone. As in computers con souls. I was basically talking a load of gibberish and unless the monologue had some particularly clever writing, it wouldn’t have been the most consistent and naturally flowing one. But I tried.

To be honest I really didn’t do much else, other than try to work out how to download a gym session booking app on my phone. I COULD download an app that was based on a centre of the same name, but it was all the way over in India. So yeah, I guess you could call Sunday a much needed time to recharge my energy, but it wasn’t a particularly fun one. Sure I did some cycling and ate some pizza, but not good overall. Turns out you don’t even need a phone, you can book online. But on the plus side, and like I said before, I clearly needed a break from doing anything and I needed time to think. Now I’ve pointed that out twice, I feel slightly better about myself. Next time me mentioning much loved historical monuments could go drastically wrong if I’m not careful.

As I’m typing this up on Monday, I’m waiting to go to the gym. I’m sad to say I’m still not brimming with ideas, but I do know what makes sense and what doesn’t. Partly because of the basil tipped arrow straws. No, wait. Is it basil faced biscuit claws? I can’t remember exactly. Just long story short, I’m now fine. And before you say ‘stop writing about having no ideas!’, this time is different - this time I’m tired AND have no ideas, as explained. I mean come on, how can I write about simply waiting for something really? Let’s just call this paragraph ‘filler’. There’s no shame in that. It’s better than me saying I want to buy a gun off the dark web, travel somewhere exotic and destroy one of the wonders of the world. Maybe I could ruin the hanging gardens of babylon, but i don’t know what they are. No Simon! That’s not on!… … Well I’m glad I didn’t book a late gym appointment I have to say. Imagine hours of this. I can talk about electric toothbrushes that don’t have removable heads, so they get worn out quickly and the whole devices become useless, and how I ate some bananas that taste like vegetables but is that really relevant? Ah who cares? So I ate a banana that tasted like a vegetable. And it wasn’t good. The toothbrush anecdote is pretty self-explanatory. You know what? I think I’ve written enough for now. I’m going to do something else. Bye!

I’m back from the gym after cheekily working out five minutes earlier than I should have done, and also during the five minute break. Yep I got an extra ten minutes! Shhhh… Well actually there’s no point keeping that a secret, as I’m sure the staff noticed. They didn’t stop me though, so maybe I’ll do it again. Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised when I got there, I have to say. I was worried the place would be packed and no one would be able to use the equipment, but that wasn’t the case at all. Sure the hiking machine was facing the wrong way (towards the wall) meaning I couldn’t see behind me, making me feel just a little bit uncomfortable, but that’s a nitpick. I was a little disappointed with myself when I found the machines to be a bit harder to use than they were pre-lockdown, but I’m sure I’ll get used to them. Working out at the gym is a fair bit harder than cycling, I have to say.

And not just in terms of the energy used, my hand also started bleeding a tiny bit because the grips on the rowing machine wore me down. Me and my girly hands :( . If people are concerned with gym members getting sweat everywhere, I’m sure they wouldn’t take too kindly to my blood, but again, it was just a little bit of blood. And I’m sure it’s not infected with anything. And even if it was, few people go around cutting themselves then wiping their wounds all over things, so the sane population are completely safe. As explained a while ago, I hurt my knees from running to much, but I tested them out on the treadmill toady, for about 30 seconds, and had no problems. THIS time, I will add just a minute of running to my exercising routine every week. If all goes to plan I should be doing 20 minutes of jogging before Christmas. Take it nice and easy. Not funny, merely health and fitness documentation, but hey. Tomorrow I’ll be gyming again AND going to the London Comedy Writers Meeting! :O

Gyming part two isn’t really worth talking about, as it was more of the same. I worked out five minutes early again, but there was no break for me to ‘make the most of things’. So the LCW meeting, then! Obviously I had no problem getting to the place as I’d been there nearly a hundred times before. Me getting lost wouldn’t be even the slightest bit funny, it would be deeply concerning. Traumatic, even. No surprise, the room was less crowded than usual, but it was far from empty. Interestingly two people who I expected to be there, weren’t - the leader of the event and the second in command, or whatever you call her. Semi-leader? Well you know what you mean. As I’ve been to the place so many times, was I elected sub-sub-boss or the highest ranking person at the time? No! Interestingly, the comedy ruler of the night was 32 like I am. Maybe there was some kind of mixup and it should have been me in charge. Usually people refer to others by name and not age, but who knows what happens behind the scenes when making staffing decisions?

Anyway, in the meeting, lots a sketches were read out. I usually have a hard enough time concentrating on anything going on around me, I was particularly troubled at the time though, as I kept fantasising about tying up and gagging my rival and hiding him somewhere. But where? We were above a busy-ish pub! Maybe I could say he was a violent drunk and needed to be kept under control. Perhaps the toilets would be a better place to put him and his moaning could be mistaken for serious constipation, but of course he would be found eventually. Never mind. On a different note, there was a brief period when a group of people outside played rubbish jungle music and sang along to it out of tune. Yes that was funny, but it was distracting. I was hoping the ‘musicians’ would stop by the time my script was read out and luckily they did. Whether that was out of respect for me I don’t know. If so, the feeling wasn’t mutual. Still though, it did give me something to write about.

So, I had thoughts of kidnapping and rubbish music. Two ideas I could certainly work with. But what if I forgot them? Not to worry, the so called leader had a pen of his own and I had paper. But how would I get it off him? I had to wait till the break. ‘Borrowing it’ was a little awkward as I’m sure everyone knew exactly why I wanted the thing, it was all over my face. I didn’t really want to use it to give my mobile phone number, as asked of me earlier, this won’t shock you but I don’t even know my phone number. Not my mobile anyway, but I later found out that didn’t matter. House numbers are fine, even in this day and age! So that was the meeting. The way back home was just as easy though I did get a very dirty hand. I don’t even know where. Usually I wouldn’t care, but I got all the dirt on my trousers, too! My brand new birthday trousers! Ending the night on a high, however, stain remover did sort the problem out. Excellent! I’m going back in two weeks, too!