England vs Croatia! (Blog 586)

Today, (at the time of writing) England will be playing Croatia in the football world cup! Or rather the soccer world cup, I think it’s only fair to use that word as the competition is being held in America. I know this is coming from me, but you have to try and fit in don’t you? I think everyone in the audience should be forced to eat cheeseburgers and hotdogs, again to fit in. I mean it’s not hard is it? Tasty maybe. What was I doing earlier in the day? I wrote jokes for five hours. It was ok at first, in the end it got really boring. And what was I doing in the days prior to that? Reviewing albums for Metal Rules! It’s not a metal album, but I also reviewed Yes’s new album for the site and I gave it five stars! The band will be celebrating, right? They’d probably shout ‘yes!’ and rightly so. However, I think a better name for a band (or funnier) is simply ‘No.’ Apparently there have been a few bands called that, though. :(

Right, it’s 8:24 PM, now let’s get on with the match talk show blogging! I missed the first 24 minutes of the talk as I was out buying a pizza. Not MORE Papa John’s, right? Nope, just a local pizza place. I do like PJ’s obviously, just not THAT much. At 8:30 the talk ended and Eastenders came on? Was that everything over then? Has the football (SOCCER!) match been cancelled?? Oh thank God, it moved to another channel. That would be disappointing, wouldn’t it? A rubbish blog, too. Still though, at least I got one short paragraph and a few sentences out of it. Also in the talk (on another channel), it was explained that 21 degrees is perfect for football? A neat fact and one I’m glad I heard, I’m also glad I didn’t watch Eastenders! Did I hear a few seconds of Deep Purple in the background at one point? I’m not sure as I was busy eating, not that it matters I have it on CD, or I could just find it on Youtube. If I did briefly hear it though, the talk only got better! Not a massive amount, but yeah not bad. It’s now 8:47 and my pizza is finished. Now I can actually concentrate on TV. Not that it matters, adverts are on. Stupid ITV. No you know what? Some adverts are entertaining! One advert’s backing music was Hall of the Mountain King and I enjoyed it.

The talk show has started again and a presenter said Argentina lost the first game of the world cup a while ago and they later won the championship? Another great fact! Take that Eastenders! It’s now 8:53 and the football field is being shown. I don’t mean to go on a downer already, but I think Croatia has the better flag, it’s shown on the pitch, as is the English one. The two flags are massive, is that A.I.? Where are they going to go if they are real? It’s 8:55 and Croatia are supposed to be singing the national anthem, but they certainly don’t seem into it, I’m not sure if some of the players are just mouthing. It could be because they’re not confident singers or more weirdly, they could be intentionally disrespecting their own country. Maybe that means they won’t be into the football, too. Hell, they could score own goals on purpose! Wacky Croatians, right? It’s 8:56 and there are more adverts, I’m getting some chocolate from the fridge. It’s 8:57. Ow wow the adverts lasted less than a minute? Well, I’ve got the chocs, anyway. It’s 8:59 and where have the flags on the pitch gone? Maybe I shouldn’t have got the chocolate after all, I think I’ve missed something big.

It’s 9 PM and the match has started!

9:04: Wow, the England goalie very clearly swore very loudly. You couldn’t hear anything but it was SO obvious.

9:07: Is it just me or does Harry Kane look ever so slightly like Elvis? I might be face blind…

9:08: Ooh England has a penalty!

9:09: Goddammit, it was saved. Wait, there could be another penalty for whatever reason? I’d hate to be that goalie.

9:11: England score the 2nd penalty in just a few seconds for whatever reason!!!! Harry Kane rocks! Can there be another penalty right now or is that asking too much? I think the whole game should be England scoring penalties! Do something different!

9:13: Writing on the screen said ‘Kane P’. What’s P stand for? Pown? Ah, penalty of course. Or maybe both!

9:14: Oh for flip’s sake, Croatia can take a penalty?

9:15: Oh good, they don’t get a penalty. Footballl is confusing, isn’t it?

9:22: There’s a hydration break? It might be a good time to brush my teeth, I’m getting a little paranoid with all the sugar I eat. Oh I’ll just wait till half time. No screw it, I’ll brush now. Flossing is important too.

9:27: Oh good I haven’t missed anything. And healthy teeth!

9:28: That pizza was clearly very salty, I’ll need a hydration break soon. It was pretty good, though!

9:30: England nearly scored again, can we have another penalty please? Is THAT why people get penalties?

9:35: Croatia score! Give England a penalty this isn’t fair!!

9:36: The England goalie mouthed something again but didn’t swear. I’d have sworn then and not before. I’m just saying nothing bad seemed to happen when he swore, that’s all.

9:41: I don’t believe it, Elvis I mean Harry has scored woo!

9:48: Let’s do some Googling… Elvis’s MBTI type is apparently ESFP and Harry Kane is apparently an ISTJ. I feel quite the fool. I thought I was onto something there.

9:50: Oh for flip’s sake Croatia equalise. Wait… was he offside?…. No he wasn’t. Time for my hydration break, I guess.

9:59: This time in the match talk, Pantera played for a few seconds. Again, I can listen to the full version on CD and Youtube… Will you find many people who like Deep Purple AND Pantera, though? Maybe not. A bit of a weird decision from the guy in charge of background music, maybe. I like both bands, though. My dad certainly doesn’t. It’s 10:04, let’s Google when the next England match is. Tuesday? But I’ll be in the LCW meeting. We’re playing Ghana? England better win, I bet Ghana has basically no money to spend on their football team. Maybe there’s no point watching?? Sorry, Ghana. It’s 10:08 and a presenter pointed out how so many footballers scored exactly 2 goals in various matches, then he said Messi scored three, oh good I thought he was going schizo then. 2 goals from everyone is just a coincidence!

10:09: Ok the football has started again.

10:10: I don’t believe it England scored again!

10:12: Damn, I thought England were going to score again…

10:13: Again, I thought England scored.

10:15: My word, another good try for England. If Croatia want to go home now and end their pain, no one will judge. Other than Croatia I mean, there would be outrage. I mean I can’t even begin to imagine how a post-match interview would go…

10:19: Dear God, England nearly scored twice in just a few seconds. Technically speaking the score should be 8 to 2.

10:10: And another two times England nearly scored! 10 to 2! A thrashing! You know what, I think it should really be 10 nil, Croatia have clearly fluked it. Basically I’m saying I could have scored twice if I put my mind to it.

10:33: Another hydration break, I’m thirsty too. I shouldn’t be drinking that much though or I’ll be dribbling in my sleep like a nutter.

10:38: I feel like I should talk about something other than scoring but I have no ideas. Hang on, there’s an ad on the barriers saying ‘Powerage’? Why advertise a decades old AC/DC album in football? Oh it said Powerade. Whoops.

10:42: Another ad says ‘smarter A.I. for all’, something I welcome as A.I. has been having a hard time recognising my jokes recently and been giving rather odd explanations as to what they mean. To be fair though, sometimes it’s my fault and my jokes are weird.

10:46: England nearly scored again, it’s getting boring now! Hang on, what’s the point of the massive advert in Japanese?? I mean everyone in Japan can speak English anyway. In fact it’s probably not even an advert it probably says something offensive to English people. It’s just that if I wanted to insult another country, that’s how I’d do it.

10:49: England score again weeee’ve won!!!!!!!!

10:50: Well Croatia have lost but as explained they can still win the world cup. Not likely, England are going to win!

10:54: Oh wow 6 minutes have been added, like that will do anything. No, I think England will score again!

10:56: No, I do need more water, I guess I’ll have to dribble. There are yellow staines on my pillow, it looks like I’ve peed myself.

10:59: Wow, I thought England were going to score again. I wonder what the English footballers were thinking. Maybe ‘you are getting POWNED.’ Probably not though, unless they’re 10 year olds stuck in the early 2000s.

11:00: Yep, England won, I knew they would. Well, time to go to sleep I guess, a dribbly sleep, bye!