England vs Senegal! (Blog 344)

Yesterday, England played Senegal! In the pre match talk/show, I noticed that England footballer and sci-fi comedy fan, Foden was shown celebrating a goal by doing a hand signal Lister first did in Red Dwarf. I’m not sure how to describe it. Lister said something like ‘we’re the boys from the dwarf!!’ or whatever, and then moved his hands in a funny way. Well done Foden for bringing perhaps forgotten sitcoms back to life. Good for him. I’ve tried to find the RD clip on Youtube, but maybe I should let it go, as I’m missing the TV. Just take my word for it. Foden is the boy from the team, you could say maybe?? Anyway, in the adverts, I noticed someone saying the slang word ‘innit.’ You’d have thought it would have died out after decades of usage as it doesn’t even make sense. Want to know a real slang word? Well a phrase? ‘Oh my days’. I haven’t heard that one in a while, but it’s actually the kind of thing a sophisticated old man can say. A phrase we should all admire. Innit not so much. Wow, why are the England team warming up by dancing around the pitch? Ok, it’s not a full blown dance, but they are clearly dancing a little bit. Hopefully they’ll get their act together in the real match, otherwise they’re going to get absolutely mullered.

Now the footballers are singing the national anthem. Here’s a thought: Why sing ‘God save our king’ over and over again? The amount of times that gets repeated could suggest he’s in serious trouble. But why and what kind of trouble?? And why have ALL of the English monarchs been in the same situation? Very strange. For that reason alone, I’d hate to be king.

The match has started!…. …

00:20: An English player made a Y shape with his arms, I’m guessing to make it clear for someone to pass at him? I don’t mean to sound pretentious, but come on… footballers should know when to pass to someone. That’s what the training is for. At least the dancing around the pitch has stopped. Otherwise we’re SCREWED.

06:00: Someone on the pitch screamed very loud. Whoever it was, I want him on the English side. That’s the kind behaviour to take seriously. Not dancing. Or even the waving of arms.

11:20: I can’t remember the exact statistics, but it was something like England had the ball 70% of the time, and Senegal maybe 15% or whatever. So who the hell had the ball the rest of the time? I never saw a member of the crowd have the ball, but to be fair, I have missed a fair amount of playing as I typed this stuff up. Believe it or not, I have thought about what to write. If some nutter in the crowd tried playing the game, get him off! At very least talk about him, I’m surely not the only one curious about such a person.

18:07: A more halfhearted Y signal from an England player. It looked worryingly comical.

22:56: Oh good, there won’t be a penalty against England. The crowds chanted ‘England’ shortly afterwards. Maybe leave the chanting until England do something that’s admirable? If you narrowly avoid a penalty, you should chant ‘phew’ repeatedly. Interestingly, i’ve never heard that from a group of fans. Very stoic people.

31:20: My TV went mental on me, so I switched channels and back again. It worked! But the downside is I missed a near goal against England. Or maybe I didn’t want to see it. Wake up England, and make sure that prick in the audience doesn’t invade the pitch again. It shouldn’t have happened. Though admittedly, I would watch that on numerous occasions on Youtube. Straight to favourites.

38:00: England score! Woohoo! If the team love ballet and want to pioneer football ballet (or footballet), I say go for it! It works!

38:55: A replay of the goal! So beautiful!

40:50 ish: Judging by the commentator’s super excited voice, I’m assuming England nearly scored again. He better not be supporting the other side. Wasn’t he an England footballer once too or something? (I may have made that up). If so, that makes things even worse!

47:16: England score again! Someone needs to take footballet very seriously. It’s amazing…

Ok, I had absolutely nothing to say about the half time chat, I was genuinely surprised the new style of football - footballet - was never even discussed. I would. One of the Channel 3 adverts had ‘Breaking the Law’ by Judas Priest playing in the background. The song is 42 years old now, and still going strong! The faith has been defended well by the marketing team!

54:50: A commentator literally just said ‘it’s a non-stop dance’! I knew it wasn’t just me! Footballet! Spread the word!!!!

56:47: England score again! Another guy did the Y shape body language shortly afterwards. Did he want someone to pass to him after scoring? There would be no point as the match wasn’t going on at the time, but maybe he felt left out and wanted some attention. I’d be feeling left out if someone else scored… No?

62:18: A commentator said Jack Grealish will be coming on soon? I’m sure he will be very excited. Someone needs to save the day, right? Only joking, there isn’t a chance in hell England will lose. I’m expecting the most carefree footballing of all time. And maybe some tap dancing.

64:30 ish: Ok, Jack Grealish is on? Unless he decides to score own goals for whatever reason (because of immaturity or some strange mental defect), England will be just fine.

73:20 ish: P.M. Sarr made a shot at the goal? PM stands for Prime Minister, right? That’s plain bizarre. Can you imagine Tony Blair/Boris Johnson, etc. playing for England? Senegal is one weird as flip country. Sure, PM can be short for the afternoon, but a player that only exists in the afternoon? It wouldn’t make sense, would it? So it’s Prime Minister.

76:36: A commentator said ‘it looks like an England win’? Well durrrrrrrr. Oh, you were joking. Whoops.

84:34: An English footballer made T shaped body language instead of Y. I admit it, it could mean anything. Time maybe? As in ‘we’re running out of time!’ That would be true. Or maybe it stands for Tea? I’d want tea after running about for over an hour. (If the drink wouldn’t drive me mad, I mean). You see? Do a little thinking and it all makes sense. I don’t know what Y is short for though? Yogurt? Mm.

89:42: Someone in the crowd is playing the English national anthem on a kazoo which sounds somewhat comical and disrespectful.

93:12: ‘Senegal get a little bit lucky’? Come on.

94:13: Game over and Senegal got well and truly powned.

That’s it! Blog over! Bye!