Eurovision Part 10! (?) (Blog 579)

Ok, time for another Eurovision blog! Apparently this is my 10th one, but my site has only been running for 9 years. Not sure what’s going on there. Last year’s was the 9th, the year before that was the 8th, I can’t be bothered to look before that, it’s just annoying. Who knows, maybe the contest happened twice in a year one time? I’m a little surprised as usually I check things a lot. For example, when jotting down the 35 countries taking part in the event, I was told by a word counter that I did indeed write down 35 paragraphs. (And 37 words as two country names have two words in them, those being San Moreno and United Kingdom). So what? Well, the counter also tells you how advanced your writing is, and apparently listing the countries is college graduate level! So there you go, you don’t need to study for three years and waste all your money to get an advanced education, you just need to do a bit of memorisation! You can see why employers don’t care about uni graduates, can’t you? Anyway, let’s go!

First up is…

Albania!

Wow, the first few seconds sound like the Halo theme… You’d think the music video would consist of space warriors shooting aliens, instead you get a guy wearing sunglasses singing about his house or whatever. Wear a proper uniform, get a laser gun and deal with the alien threat or we’re all gone!

Armenia

Wow, an artist called ‘Simon’… This better be good. Whilst few people would hire me to work in an office, due to a lack of skills, education and personality issues, this guy seriously messes his office up. And everyone copies him! This guy is an absolute NIGHTMARE for employers, how did HE get the job?? Obviously I’m offended but at the same time… Nice name!

Australia

Another video with a space theme, but the performer keeps singing about love as well! It’s extremely naive to think that would stop an evil alien race. I get you’re trying to reason with them with the peace and love idea, John Lennon tried it too, but what will probably happen is they’ll say… ‘Invading these people will be flipping EASY.’ At least the person wearing sunglasses was dressed appropriately in the sun, the singer here is in a desert and is sadly going to get sunburn immediately.

Austria

A video of people dancing. At least they’re not dancing in an office and smashing everything up or whatever, Armenia clearly needs advice from these people. I nearly said Simon needs advice from these people, but that refers to me obviously and that would make me look even worse than I do already! I guess maybe I could simply stop typing?

Azerbaijan

Another love song but with no alien references at all, this time. Oh it’s not a love song, the song soon goes ‘I don’t love you anymore, go’. I guess I’ve been feeling kind of confused these last few minutes. To be fair though, why is the song so gentle? It should feature distorted guitars and be at least four times faster to fit with the theme. At least scream the words, in comparison, you don’t hear people sweetly and gently telling people to F off, do you?

Simon: Ok, it’s time for a break, and to spice things up we have the sad egg bully Mike McDougall. He has the fear all eggs can relate to, that being the fear of not truly existing but rather only existing in sketches, blogs, monologues, etc. So Mike… you look real to me…

Mike: Thank you.

Simon: It’s ok. Mike, I’m going to invite some eggs into the studio who are in your exact same position. You’ve met them before but that’s what I want. I want you to become close friends with my guests as you clearly need a support network, especially as you either have no parents - which doesn’t sound plausible to me :) - you simply don’t know who they are, or if you’re gullible, you will believe you do have loving parents, they’re just too busy to ever see you.

Mike: No, I don’t believe my parents are too busy to see me. You’d expect me to see them just the one time if they care so much.

Simon: Ok. Anyway, come in Charlie, Wendy and Harry Baldwin!

(A door opens and closes)

CB:  Hi, Mike. Do I look real to you?

Mike: I guess…

CB: Good, because I am.

WB: Me too!

HB: And me!

Mike: But you’re egg superstars, of course YOU feel real. I’m just your typical troubled egg…

CB: Maybe now, but how about starring in a film with me?

Mike: You serious??

CB: Sure!

Mike: A film about what??

CB: A film about a war between egg and machines!

Simon: Now THAT’S cool…

Mike: What happens in it exactly?

CB: Well to be honest, it’s just like The Terminator but with eggs instead of people. It sounds silly, but it has been explained that’s a big enough of a difference to at very least get people talking…

Mike: Oh. Cool.

Simon: Great: You can all chat amongst each other as I talk about more songs!

Belgium

Speaking of sunburn, this singer goes ‘I’ve got that Summer on my skin, it lives it burns within.’ I mean you must have HEARD of cancer? Not only that, her song is called ‘Dancing on the Ice’! How about calling the song ‘Here’s a list of the most dangerous things imaginable’? What else will she sing about? Making toast in the bath?

Bulgaria

‘Surrender to the blinding lights’? Is that a UFO reference? The lyrics ‘welcome to the riot’ are particularly alarming. The so called ‘lyrics’ ‘I’m the bangarang bangaranga bangaranga’ sound like an alien language, don’t they? Well that’s just great, isn’t it? Aliens have hijacked Eurovision and we’ve been told to surrender. No, no, an online translator has recognised those weird words, and they COULD mean ‘bang bang bang bang bang’ in the Hausa language. However… why is someone from Bulgaria on a show that’s main language is English speaking African? Therefore, these people are aliens, not humans with a gun!

Croatia

Ok, THESE people look like aliens, or at very least their face markings do. However, as they’re speaking a foreign language (that could be alien) and there are no subtitles (because the language could be alien) I don’t know what they’re talking about, obviously. That only makes things darker. Oh no. The song is called ‘Andromeda’ and that’s the name of an alien galaxy. On the plus side, at least we know who we’re fighting now. Screw Andromeda.

Cyprus

Here we have a song by Antigoni! Who’s Goni and why is this person against him? Oh God, these lyrics go ‘Jalla Jalla, they want Jalla (Jalla Jalla).’ So what does that mean? Is an alien language saying they want the Earth’s submission, again? Maybe I’m being paranoid and they just want jelly. Sometimes different languages have similar words for the same thing! :)

Czechia

This song goes ‘follow a voice unknown.’ As an ex-schizophrenic I can say that is SERIOUSLY bad advice. ‘Learn how to swim in open waters on your own’ has to be even worse! However, ‘I’ll get lost without a map’ is pretty deep. Hear, hear! The words ‘I’m amazed how well we get unwell’ does suggest some level of insight, but I AM well. (Now that I’m on meds). Here’s a small tweak: ‘I’m amazed at how well I get unwell’, (referring to just him) that’s what he should have sung. Here’s something reassuring though, the words ‘We’re the human race’, oh thank God for that!

Simon: It’s time for the eggs, again! Mike is proving himself to be quite the actor! Listen!

CB: No Mike, you say it like this ‘Hasta la vista… baby’. Say it with more attitude…

Mike: Hasta la vista… baby!

CB: Perfect!

WB: You’ll be firing mini guns in next to no time!

Simon: It’s interesting you say that, as this studio does indeed have a mini gun!

WB: Why?

Simon: Security reasons. Ben and Dan have been making threats towards this studio…

WB: Oh my word!

Simon: Let me get it for you, now… It’s just in this cupboard, here…

(A door opens and closes)

WB: Dear God…

Simon: It’s quite the weapon, isn’t it?

WB: I don’t know what to say…

HB: Cool!

Simon: Let me put in on you, Mike. It’s quite heavy… And there you go!

Mike: I feel unstoppable…

Simon: Great. Now say ‘hasta la vista’ whilst spinning around the room slowly. Don’t worry, it’s not loaded, not at the moment, anyway. We could load it, but y’know… health and safety reasons…

Mike: Hasta la vista, baby…

CB: Epic!

Simon: Now for more reviews!

Denmark

I have no idea what this song is about as it’s in a foreign language. It’s not alien, it’s probably Danish. You never know, though. Let’s Google what the song title means… ‘Before We Go Home’? Is that like an E.T. reference? It’s pretty close, isn’t it? Maybe the lyrics describe phoning home? I wouldn’t know!

Estonia

Wow, a song by Vanilla Ninja. What’s a vanilla ninja going to do in a battle? Not just a modern tank battle, even in ancient Japan it would be hard to take her too seriously. A welcome spice, a poor warrior. And what about the Earth-alien war that seems to be imminent? Drop the food and pick up a bazooka or no one is going to be scared of you, no matter how catchy your song is!

Finland

Wow, parts of the stage are on fire, it could be for a nice effect, it could be aliens! Again, the lyrics are in a foreign language that may or may not be from space, so no one can ever know for sure. Apart from James Joyce, he could speak several languages. If he were alive today, he’d probably say this about the performance: AliensAußerirdischekosmicirumvæsenerôbcyboete-aardsewezens! You know what? I think I should bring Mr. Joyce back from the dead and interview him now! Sorry eggs, but you’re going to have to act in silence…

Simon: So James, what’s being dead like?

JJ: It’s very good, there really are a diverse range of people in Heaven and I can speak to most of them!

Simon: What language do they mainly speak in Heaven?

JJ: English… In fact even the foreigners speak English! Most of the time, anyway.

Simon: Why?

JJ: It’s the best language, isn’t it? Also… AliensAußerirdischekosmicirumvæsenerôbcyboete-aardsewezens!

Simon: Oh not this again.

JJ: What?

Simon: You know exactly what I mean. In fact I’m so annoyed by you, I’m going to ignore you and review another song!

France

Simon: Wow, I thought France was going to get a 7 year old girl to sing in their music video, there. It’s not child exploitation, she just played a small acting role where she hit a button. And she did it well! Maybe as time goes by, she can hit bigger and bigger things. Maybe even James Joyce in the head!

JJ: I heard that.

Simon: Good. Anyway, I’m relieved the song wasn’t sung by a 7 year old, as a 7 year old singing about love ‘hitting you like lightning’ is creepy and disturbing. Unless it’s love for a pony, maybe.

JJ: You really brought me back from the dead to talk about this puerile nonsense?

Simon: Coming from you??

JJ: My made up words are genius. You just don’t understand them because you’re too simple.

Simon: Excuse me??

JJ: How many languages do you speak?

Simon: Just the one. And about 50 German words…

JJ: Well there you go.

Simon: Who cares? You think I need to go into a supermarket and speak 10 languages to the staff? I’d look like a twat!

JJ: No, you’d bring a sense of depth and sophistication to the shop.

Simon: Oh whatever.

Georgia

One of the lyrics here goes ‘Give me…’ something, something, something. I can’t decipher the rest of them and neither can the Youtube subtitles, they just say ‘Give me (music).’ How about I try? Give me all Kray croquet? What’s THAT mean? Well, the Kray twins were gangsters and croquet is a ball game so therefore, we can conclude the singers want all of your gangster’s ball games! Needless to say, some rather daring and adventurous lyrics…

Germany

Simon: An act called ‘Sarah Engles’? Thanks to Rammstein, I know what Engles means! It means angels! Oh, apparently it doesn’t mean anything. Engel means ‘angel’ though, I was close. I guess Engels is just the singer’s name. Whoops. James Joyce is going to have a field day because of this…

JJ: Noob!

Simon: So I can’t speak 10 or so languages, YOU’RE an asshole!

JJ: Jopkfdeffer.

Simon: What’s that mean?

JJ: Nothing, I just made it up.

Simon: You can really do that?

JJ: Sure.

Simon: Ok, fine. Lol, one of the lyrics go ‘I’m on fire, fire!’ (She isn’t, she’s just standing near a fire) and then she goes ‘You’re a liar!’ Er, pot calling the kettle black much?

JJ: You really are an idiot, aren’t you?

Simon: No…

JJ: Send me back to Heaven, I can’t stand this anymore.

Simon: How? I could shoot you with a mini gun…

JJ: I’ll just go there on my own, thanks.

Simon: Bye! Now for some more reviews!

Greece

A singer seemingly wanting everything in the world. (If you read the translated subtitles, I mean - I’m not James Joyce, I need help). The thing is, Greece is already a poor country, so I can’t see this person being massively popular. One of the weirder he things he wants is a submarine, I’m not sure what he plans to do with that. There’s no way someone would let him own the whole earth and sky, imagine people asking his permission to breathe! He also wants glory?? How’s that work, then?

Isreal

Simon: This song seems to be in English, French and Hebrew…

JJ: I like these people…

Simon: You’re back? Where did you come from??

JJ: It’s a secret.

Simon: Ok. Anyway, I thought you would like them. The multiple use of languages sounds complicated, but there’s no ambiguity that this song is about someone called ‘Michelle’. Not so clever, there. In fact, these people probably can’t even speak more than one language, they probably use the same online tool as me.

JJ: As Michelle means Michelle in every language, technically these people can speak every language in the world!

Simon: You can’t even do that…

JJ: Yes, Isreal are now my rivals! Or rather, Izrael je můj soupeř.

Simon: Look, to be as clear as possible no one cares you can speak so many languages! You do not come across as intelligent, actually when people listen to you they just think ‘well… that was gibberish, this guy’s mental.’

JJ: I can speak gibberish if I really want…

Simon: No you can’t!

JJ: I don’t have to put up with this, I’m going back AGAIN!

Simon: Good! Now he can hear more from the eggs, they’re cool unlike you!

Italy

Wow, a song by an artist called ‘Sal Da Vinci’. If he wasn’t a singer but instead a computer coder, he would be the subject of the Da Vinci Code, which is a trippy thought. He’d be the leader of an ancient secret society, or whatever? That’s strange enough, but how ancient is the secret society exactly? One or two thousand years, maybe? This super OAP has got some moves!

Latvia

Does Latvia have a flying glass problem? It’s just the singer isn’t really reacting at all, it’s like it’s completely normal for her. I’D run, I mean the risk of lacerations is extreme… The Youtube comments say stuff like ‘Latvia is such a beautiful language’, personally I’d give a sincere warning. The ‘Love from spain’ comment could be a heartfelt warning, but it’s just so vague, it could just suggest the poster likes the song…

Lithuania

Continuing with the alien theme, this singer does indeed look like an alien. That sounds like abuse, actually I’m saying that because his skin is blue. He complains that we’re living in a mad world? That could suggest he wants things to improve or HE has plans to ‘improve’ things, i.e. take over the world.

Luxembourg

Get your own flag! You should be thankful the Netherlands aren’t participating because you copied their flag exactly and they must be fuming! Who knows, that may be the real reason they’re not taking part and I 100% understand them. France aren’t going to like you very much either I’m afraid, as all you’ve done is twist their flag around. Still though… catchy song!

Malta

Malta’s flag looks like France’s, but with part of it cut off by scissors, or if Malta wants to be really like France, cut off by a guillotine. Interestingly the song doesn’t mention guillotines or scissors. Mentioning both would be a really unique and daring song, I think.

Simon: How’s the acting going now, Mike?

Mike: Awesome!

Simon: Cool. I don’t mean to burst your bubble and take attention away from you, but you don’t mind if I invite some cool looking number plates into this room, do you?

Mike: That’s fine.

Simon: Cool. Come in!

(A door opens and closes)

CB: Numberplates ending with EVH, AVH and UVH?

Simon: Yes, those being the initials of Eddie Van Halen, his drummer brother Alex and of course Uncle Van Halen!

UVH: Nice to meet you.

AVH: Likewise.

EVH: Howdy.

Simon: I should point out that Eddie is from Heaven too. I presume Uncle Van Halen was in Heaven, as well. I have to be honest, I have no idea if he’s still alive. Probably not.

UVH: I’m a mystery.

Simon: Cool. Anyway, I love your guitar playing Eddie, it’s amazing!

EVH: Thank you!

Simon: Can you still play guitar now you’re a number plate?

EVH: It’s weird. I’m still on Earth in numberplate form as you can see but in Heaven I’m human. I could enter this studio in human form if I really wanted to, but I’m happy being a numberplate at least at times. I’m basically two beings at once!

Simon: Oh, that makes sense, actually.

EVH: Good, isn’t it? If anything it’s more impressing than tapping!

Simon: Oh, definitely. I can tap on guitar, too. I didn’t invent the technique like you did, though.

EVH: Yeah, actually some guy did tapping before me. No one has ever heard of him though, so at the end of the day I AM more influential.

Simon: Yes, I really do think Van Halen is the best heavy rock band of all time. I actually Googled who the so called best HR rock band was and it said Black Sabbath, Metallica, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Slayer and Pantera were the best. That’s interesting as they’re ALL metal…

EVH: Is that true?

Simon: 100%. Well almost, Led Zeppelin were mentioned too, they ARE HR. Now that I think of it, they were very good, too.

EVH: Thanks for the compliment, though.

Simon: No problem. If LZ are better than you, it’s not by a MASSIVE amount.

EVH: Thanks, again.

Simon: You’re definitely a better guitarist than Jimmy Page…

EVH: Thanks.

Simon: But he could have maybe been a better songwriter…

EVH: It’s ok.

Simon: Cool! Anyway, you’re a good drummer too, numberplate Alex!

AVH: Are you going to give me weird compliments that you take back as well?

Simon: You know me too well.

UVH: In my day, people respected their elders…

Simon: Oh I do, I do. It’s just that Eddie is such a popular player, no one ever really thinks about Alex.

UVH: I see. Well the only reason people think of you is because you’re a weirdo.

Simon: That was an offensive term…

UVH: Yes, it was supposed to be.

Simon: Was it?

UVH: Yes!

Simon: Why?

UVH: Because you’re an idiot!

Simon: Oh. Would it put things right if I were to say I read the intro to ‘Hot For Teacher’ was once voted as best rock drum solo of all time? Or maybe best drum intro?

AVH: Thank you.

Simon: But I think it sucks.

AVH: Simo…

Simon: Kidding!

AVH: Oh. I would say ‘thank you’ again, but if I did, I wouldn’t know what would happen and I can’t really be dealing with that.

Simon: Oh I get those kind of comments a lot…

UVH: Yeah, speaking of weird feelings, do you know how YOUR music makes me feel?

Simon: Go on.

UVH: It makes me feel… boooooooooooooooooo!

Simon: Yes, that’s what I was going for!

UVH: Why?

Simon: You want to know why?

UVH: Yes, I do.

Simon: Do you really?

UVH: Yes.

Simon: How much?

UVH: Very much so.

Simon: Like REALLY?

UVH: Yes.

Simon: Well, on that cliff hanger it’s time to review more albums!

Moldova

These people appear to be singing about how great their country is. Perfectly understandable, but why would other countries vote for them? There are no comments on Youtube saying things like ‘Hello from France! Yes, your county is indeed better than mine! 12 points!’ (I presume).

Montenegro

There is no flashing lights warning? A Youtuber pointed out how the country hasn’t made the final for 11 years. Why could that be? Everyone who watches and considers voting for the country ends up in hospital. Well, the epileptics would and there are a good few of them. Never hospitalise your audience!

Norway

A singer saying he has broken bones, but he performs anyway? I was going to say ‘a singer who COMPLAINS of having broken bones but performs anyway’, but he doesn’t do that even a little bit. A very stoic person, clearly of Viking ancestry. I guess keep him away from axes and villages that are easy to plunder!

Poland

A flag that looks like Luxembourg’s but flipped around and with a bit chopped off? Personally I’d burn all of it and start from scratch. Annoyingly there is no fire in this music video, but I guess the performers burning their own flag could be taken the wrong way.

Simon: Now in the studio, we have James Ziegler!

UVH: You’re not going to say why you write your booo music?

Simon: Nope. Anyway James, have you been annoying people, lately? I’ve just annoyed one of my all time favourite bands, their uncle too! I wish I knew who their grandparents were, I get a feeling they’re not going to tell me…

James: Yes I have been annoying people. As I’m always up for a challenge, I tried to annoy the calmest person in the world, that being the Dalai Lala.

Simon: What do you do?

James: I called him a ‘llama’.

Simon: What happened?

James: He said ‘JAMES!’ and kept repeating various swear words over and over again…

Simon: Not so zen now, is he?

James: Yeah, a ‘zen master’, ha. An angry llama, that’s actually what I called him. Then he stared through my soul.

AVH: Be normal!!

Simon: Look, I’m a fan of your music and for some crazy reason you’re not a fan of me. If you were to say to me ‘Simon, you’re cool’ I will continue complimenting your drumming.

AVH: You don’t think you’re… cool do you?

Simon: Not in the traditional sense of the word, no. However, my hair has been complimented for its fluffiness.

AVH: Is that true?

Simon: No, but… No you know what? Actually it has, by me. I am a person technically speaking (some disagree) and if I compliment my own hair, it means someone has indeed complimented it.

AVH: Errr…

Simon: Maybe you’ll find the right words to say after I review more songs…

Portugal

This one could do well if it was released 50 or so years ago! What happens if this song wins and it becomes popular? The whole of modern music could copy Portugal and sound like it did ages ago! Black Sabbath would be fresh again and Metallica won’t exist yet! Is the world really ready for that? Because to me, it sounds weird and uncomfortable.

Romania

Heavy metal drums and guitars, and lyrics going ‘dum dum-da-dum! Dum-da dum dum!’ Slightly odd at least at times, although this video does come with a flashing images warning. Well done. In comparison, you wouldn’t hide someone’s insulin without telling them, would you?

San Moreno

This singer who refers to herself as ’SENHIT’, (a word I at first misread as ‘send (expletive)’) keeps singing of a mysterious superstar and says she’s never seen this kind of perfection, before. Who is this perfect superstar, I wonder? I think it’s Chino Moreno from Deftones! Ok, not all of his music is perfect, but SOME of it is. The singer doesn’t point that out, but lyrics are supposed to be vague!

Serbia

Wow, a song that’s like a cross between Nine Inch Nails and doom metal. But poppy, too! THIS is a song that will change the course of music if it wins. Basically, everything will go to Hell.

AVH: Errrrrrrrr….

Simon: You’re still confused?

AVH: Can I feel your hair?

Simon: Oh my God, yes! Best story ever!

AVH: No actually, I’ll just look.

Simon: Oh. not such an interesting story.

James: It’s not bad, though…

Simon: Thanks.

AVH: Doesn’t look fluffy to me…

Simon: …

James: Simon?

Simon: Sniff…

AVH: You’re crying?

Simon: No…

AVH: It looks like you’re crying…

Simon: I’m just sniffling, that’s all… I have a cold…

AVH: You looked fine a minute ago, then I said your hair isn’t fluffy and that gave you a cold?

Simon: It’s psychosomatic.

AVH: Oh wow. I’m so sorry.

Simon: I just need some a rest and lots of water, that’s all.

AVH: If you want to take a break from this interview, I’d understand…

Simon: Sniff. Good idea, sniff.

Sweden

A song by Felicia that goes ‘I can’t get you out of my system’? There’s a song by Deftones called ‘Feiticeira’ that I can’t get out of my system. Well not really, I haven’t listened to that song in a while. Let’s listen to it now… There you go, it’s in my system right now. I can’t see the Deftones song being in the contest though, with the swearing and all. :(

Switzerland

A song called ‘Alice’… That makes Alice in Switzerland! Maybe a bit of a bland sequel to Alice in Wonderland? I suggest re-releasing this song in Winter, because as everyone knows, Christmas is wonderful no matter what country it’s in! Then we have ‘Alice in Wonderful Switzerland’ which I think works!

Ukraine

I want tall trees, too. I don’t seem to want them quite as much as Ukraine, but if respected classical music can be about nature, pop music can be too. I think that’s a good explanation as to why people should respect you and your green-friendly vision!

United Kingdom

Right, the best country with the best flag… I hate to say this, but it seems to be yet another song that goes from E minor (or whatever key it’s in) to C major (or the equivalent)… It’s the Iron Maiden chord progression! You can see why the metal band are so popular, people go crazy for the chord sequence! I must have a good ear, right? Not really, but I can spot the IM chord progression anywhere as I’ve heard it over and over and over again! I can also recognise E to F because of Metallica.

Simon: Right, I’m feeling a LITTLE bit better now that Alex has felt my hair and called it ‘not bad’ but I’m saddened that he doesn’t love it. I guess I should just move on. So, a contest of aliens invading Earth, countries burning their own flags and a bizarre form of musical time travel. This really does seem to be the most action-packed contest of all time, and I’m not just referring to the Eurovision Song Contest! It was also cool how I brought people back from the dead, no? And on that magical note… bye from me and bye from everyone here!

AVH: I only said it was ‘not bad’ so you’d stop crying. I didn’t know what to do!

Simon: Oh.

UVH: And on that sad note… bye!