Eurovision Part 4! (Blog 192, Superblog 10)

Sadly Eurovision has been cancelled due to the fear of the audience and performers breathing/coughing/sneezing on one another. Fortunately however, I can find the entrants on Youtube and better yet, I can take things into my own hands and judge the winner for myself. How about that? Furthermore, I don’t have to feel the shame of seeing the UK come last. (Hopefully). Maybe I might even make them win for once. Who knows? Anywho, let’s get going and throw an online Euro-blog party! Here are my comments for the first song and video that I found online…

Albania

Ok, there’s no video to review, here. Just music and words over a picture of the singer. I’m not sure why all the letters are in capitals. It gives the impression the singer is really angry, though the performance is pretty typical pop. As in ‘WORDS HAVE CUT ME TO THE BONE AND MY HEART IS SINKING LIKE A STONE!!!!’ >:( Could be perceived as like a Slipknot song.

Armenia

This video clearly uses autotune in places. Whether that would be allowed live I will probably never know. Kind of cheating, even though I’m sure Armenia would say it was used for ‘a special effect’. -_- Nothing can hide the fact this song is annoying, though. At least there’s a proper video to be fair. Albania don’t care. Then again, it worked out for them because that pesky coronavirus made all the effort from the others pretty pointless really, didn’t it?

Australia

More of a live performance than an official video, here. And what the HELL has the singer got round her neck? It looks like one of those things the barber gives you to stop you getting your cut hair everywhere. But a fancier version. I’m sure you’re thinking ‘why?’ too. The singer keeps going ‘don’t bring me down’. Maybe if she dressed like a normal person, she’d get better responses from people. Just saying.

Austria

‘Only you can make me feel alive again’? Is this guy a zombie or something? Maybe. Of course the walking dead are known to be slow and clumsy, but I believe more modern films have zombies as sure-footed as people. I think that’s what’s going on, here. Anyway, not a bad song! My fave so far.

Azerbaijan

This video called ‘Cleopatra’ shows the singer taking a bath in water. Didn’t Cleopatra bathe in blood? Why isn’t the performer bathing in blood? Never mind. Not such a consistent entry, this one, but I guess the music has an Egyptian vibe.

Belarus

This performance is kinda forgettable. Though it is impressive the way the keyboardist can play with no hands. I’ve seen one-handed keyboardists before, but no hands is kind of special.

Belgium

Keys played with two hands, drummers using both arms, not so spectacular. Then again, I suppose the music is more important. I guess it’s alright. Work on your psychic abilities though, and you can compete with you know who.

Bulgaria

I like sitting alone by a tree at night in the cold as much as the next man, but not whilst singing pop! That’s a black metal activity! The music’s not bad, but my God is it inappropriate!

Croatia

Why does this guy shake his head so much? It’s as if he’s saying ‘no’ to the music he’s performing. I don’t really like it either. Too cheesy. I would at least expect the performer to enjoy it, though. Never turn down a gig, I suppose.

Cyprus

‘I don’t wanna fall again… I’m not gonna fall again.’ Excellent, sorted. Next!

Czech Republic

A very professional video. Check out the Republic. :P

Breather! I recently bought Joe Satriani’s latest album ‘Shapeshifting’. I was pleased to hear it isn’t filled with endless, mindless guitar shredding. I was wondering why that could be. Maybe it’s because the musician is now 63 and can’t play the way he used to, which is arguably a good thing. Guitarists like Yngwie Malmsteen often do my head in. Of course I don’t want them to be crippled, but if they were afflicted with a minor disability, it would force them to play more melodically, wouldn’t it. A mild case of Parkinson’s would perhaps be beneficial to Chris Impellitteri, Michael Angelo Batio, the list is almost endless. But isn’t the condition associated with fast trembling? Maybe it would speed the guitarists up, so maybe mild strokes would be better. Joking of course. Still though, play with taste!

Denmark

Denmark’s supposed to be one the happiest countries, right? No wonder their music is so annoying.

Estonia

A song called ‘What love is’. Not exactly original. Fittingly the performer’s costume is a dull grey. Was that intentional? Maybe. It would explain why there is a not-so-creative sign in the background simply saying ‘love’. It suggests the whole performance is a bit of a joke. For perhaps obvious reasons, the sign seems to have been vandalised by someone.

Finland

Finland. Land of the Fins. That’s all I can think to say, really. I tried, but pretty forgettable this one.

France

Mush. Or as the French would say ‘mush’. Because they can speak English, too. So why are you singing in French and English? Does it serve a practical purpose? What is it then? You don’t know, do you?

Georgia

A Eurovision favourite, it seems. Why? No idea. I guess it’s different. It’s certainly more aggressive than the others. Why? Well, I’d be aggressive too if I came from a place called Georgia. ‘Oh no, I come from a country that’s a name of a girl!’ I’d think. I’d have a lot to prove to others, that’s what I’m saying.

Germany

A song called ‘Violent Thing’. I’m not sure if I’ve ever heard a Eurovision song promoting VIOLENCE before… Huh. Ok, next video…

Greece

Another video using the power of telekinesis. Before we had no-handed keyboards, now we have people making others float. That’s cool. But the sign saying ‘no pets, no superhumans’? I thought that was kinda dumb.

Iceland

Another favourite, apparently. Let’s give it a listen. Yep, it’s my favourite too. But why does the singer look like Dead from Mayhem? He’s not in corpse paint or screaming his head off or anything like that, but there are similarities.

Ireland

‘My life is mine’. Sure Eurovision isn’t known as a deep contest, but come on.

Israel

This one’s pretty good, too. I don’t know what the song title means, though. ‘Feker Libi’? It sounds offensive. Actually, I think I know what it means, but maybe I should keep schtum so I don’t get demonetised. Poor Libi. I don’t know what the performers have against her. :(

Ok! Let’s have a break! A whole monologue, in fact! You may be wondering about the strange choice of subject matter, but I wrote it for someone else and the person in question had a thing about My Little Ponies. I’m not going weird on you. It’s a long story. And one more thing - in case you’re wondering about my unfair treatment of poor people, I’m writing as if I’m a person called Edmund, who is rich. Again, long story. Here goes!…

Many people ask me what my obsession with My Little Ponies is all about. First of all, many of them are are pink. (Well my favourite ones are). Can you think of one colour in nature other than pink that is more or less completely harmless? Black things are often dead or make things dead (I’m referring to evil spiders) and grey things are often about to turn black. If someone’e covered in red, tragically it suggests he’s had a serious injury. (That has certainly not been caused by a pony, real OR imaginary). Even white, the purest colour of all brings to mind bones. So yeah, can you think of anything dangerous that is pink? A few moulds maybe, but other than that? Not really.

So that’s one reason. Another is more obvious - ponies are simply adorable. Ok, I’m a young man who should be more preoccupied with chasing girls (according to society), but is society always right? Is it right that the upper classes live so much better than poor people? No wait, what I meant was, it is right there is so much war in the world? Of course not. And how many wars have ponies caused? Did they start the great pony war? Again, don’t be ridiculous. ‘But Edmund, can you name me an animal that HAS started a war?’ Well define ‘war’. Most animals engage in small scale battles, at least. Cows go on rampages, bees sting the innocent, etc. Yes, My Little Ponies are fictitious, but try and imagine an episode where the things attack others. You can’t can you?

Why else do I love MLPs? Well, they’re associated with the phrase ‘friendship is magic’. Everyone wants friends, everyone wants to be magic. It’s the ultimate fantasy, yet most can fulfil it. Imagine if you wanted to feel really important and special and you could do so, simply by phoning someone up or going for a picnic. Pretty cool. On a deeper level, much suffering is caused by the desire of things we can’t have. One could argue that MLPs are actually improving much of the world’s wellbeing. Can you imagine how great things would be if ONLY the creatures were in the media? World peace. Not to be sniffed at, just you think about that. That’s all from, me. Pony love! Bye!

Italy

Fortunately the colour orange features heavily in the video of this mushy song. If everything was pink, it would simply be unbearable.

Latvia

You will keep on running to the end you say? That’s what I thought about myself until I got a knee injury. Some lyrics need tweaking, in my opinion.

Lithuania

The singer keeps going ‘I feel like I’m fire’. There’s no simile here, he feels so hot because flamethrowers are right next to him. I bet he’s kicking himself if he’s reading this.

Malta

I’m not going to tease Malta because that would make me a Malteaser. Good video.

Moldova

Here we have a song called ‘Prison’. In a Eurovision first I’m sure, it’s about robbing a bank and going to jail! How crazy is that! No only joking, it’s another love song. -_-

Netherlands

I’m not OFFENDED by the singer’s mood as he seems to think, so he should stop worrying. It IS annoying, though. More mush!

North Macedonia

You just want to dance, you say? You don’t want to breathe? Maintain healthy body temperature? Think harder before writing more lyrics, because next time you may die! :S

Norway

Norway, famed for its excellent black metal. Is there another Dead lookalike? Not quite. Actually, I’m sure the performer would be very offended if such a comparison was made to her. Yes she’s wearing makeup, but not that kind of makeup.

Poland

Lots of flames in this video, too. At least the singer doesn’t go on about how hot she is as if it’s really interesting, though. It’s not interesting, it’s completely logical.

Portugal

Portugal being sneaky by singing in a foreign language, so I can’t criticise the lyrics. :( I don’t like the music, though.

Romania

Oh God, a song called ‘Alcohol You’. This is going to be a car crash. Let’s give it a listen, anyway… Well, I have to say it wasn’t as disturbing as I was expecting, it actually seems to be just another typical pop song. Hm. Not sure what’s going on here.

Russia

You know what? I think I have a new favourite. There’s a reason this one has over 81 million views (at the time of writing). Is it as weird as Dead singing a funky song? No. It’s weirder. I can’t get this out of my mind.

San Marino

I have to be honest, after watching Russia’s video, all the others are kind of dull in comparison. And SM’s song is called ‘Freaky’! It isn’t, it just seems normal. :(

Serbia

Again… What have you done to me, Russia? You’d think Serbia’s song title ‘Hurricane’ alone would be enough to excite me, but no. ‘Even though it’s a thrash metal song?’ Actually it’s MORE pop. To be fair though, tense Arabic scales are used, perhaps bringing to mind a sandstorm? But to be clear, still not thrilling.

Slovenia

I don’t mean to sound like a stuck record, but Greece has sorta screwed you over too, Slovenia. Why can’t you be more like them? Again, yet again, just another pop number. Yes, I’m having trouble writing comments now and yes, you may be able to tell, so I’ll do the right thing and spice this blog up. Here’s another breather in the form of an anecdote!

I thought I ordered a pizza, potato tots and chicken bites from Papa John’s, but I actually ordered a pizza and two lots of potato tots! I thought the delivery driver got it wrong, but it was me! Yes, in this time of mass lockdown, that’s all I can really come up with but don’t think I won’t try and make it sound more interesting than it really was. So, two portions of potatoes. I don’t even really like potatoes. But I enjoy PJ potatoes. That goes to show how good the franchise is, doesn’t it? Seriously though, baked potatoes, potato salads, etc. are all meals I hate. Sometimes I wonder if PJ put something not exactly honest or legal in their foods to make it so awesome. Maybe a very, very, very tiny amount of Einstein’s brain from a super shady source. Maybe it gives the food a very special tang. Why? I guess it’s the PJ secret. Like KFC’s secret recipe. No only joking. Again.

Spain

An open space, filled with people in white doctor’s aprons and with metal grids on their faces. Do you know what that’s supposed to mean? Here’s a clue - the song title is ‘Universo’. Does that help you??

Sweden

Again, what’s the point of trying to come up with original comments, now? I’m only getting more desperate. Here’s something you might want to try out it you ever get constipation - wear a Slendertone belt for a few minutes. My theory is it compresses the intestines, and it does seem to work. I’m a medical genius! (Ok I discovered that by accident and I’m not sure if it does actually work, but still potentially cool. P.S., do you know what ‘potnketially’ means? That’s what my spell checker just came up with, when I misspelt ‘potentially’. According to Google, the word doesn’t exist. :S P.P.S. Grammarly is cheating, so I don’t use it. I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but all these comments? My idea!)

Switzerland

Ooh, a song called ‘Gjon’s Tears’. Sounds like it could be a prog metal or an epic black metal song. Sadly, it’s not. Add some distorted guitars and it could be opera metal, though.

Ukraine

Oh thank God, just two more to go. This time it seems to be the devil singing a folk song, and a DJ awkwardly swaying from side to side, pretending to do something.

United Kingdom

Oh, good. These people wouldn’t have won, not with acts like Russia and Iceland. That gives me peace of mind. UK’s entry isn’t bad though. I’d say it was reasonably above average, in fact. Oh yeah, I’m judging. I guess the United Kingdom has just won for the first time since 1997! Only joking, Russia’s song wins because it was more unique and even special. No, really. But Iceland had a better song, that’s obvious. A special thumbs up for Russia then, and let’s say the UK come third. Bye!