Eurovision Part 5! (Blog 253, Superblog 11)

Time for another Eurovision super blog! Interestingly, the entrants will actually be performing this time, in contrast to last year’s contest, which was the worst one ever, in my opinion. Some say silence is golden, but unfortunately the person who coined the phrase died before last year, so we’ll never know if he believed Eurovision silence to be golden as well. :( As always, I will be adding breathers every now and then, as there are a lot of songs to get through. I will be answering more questions from around the globe, and as this is a special event, I will be communicating with someone from an alternate universe! Not easy to do, by a long shot. Hope you enjoy, let’s go!!!

Sooo… Let’s review the official videos in alphabetical order. It’s a cliched idea, but it’s an idea that works and for that reason, it’s my favourite.

First up is…

Albania

In this video, we have a woman in a wedding dress, in the freezing cold snowy weather, miles away from any buildings/churches, smiling constantly. Does that sound normal to you? At the end of the video, she smiles again at someone who looks exactly like her, also in a wedding dress. Is she marrying herself? Cancel your plans, we have a psychiatric emergency. Naturally the song title ‘Karma’ has nothing to do with the visuals. A classic case of hebephrenic schizophrenia.

Let’s have a break already! Bet you weren’t expecting that!

Here we have a question from Nosey Noel from Christmas Island…

Nosey Noel: What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to you?

Simon: This is a good one: My teacher asked me a question I wasn’t really listening to. All I heard was her say was ‘is it i before e`?’, and I said ‘I think so’. The teacher went ‘you think so?’, like I was absolutely mental. I thought she was asking me about the well known rule. Turns out she was asking how I spell my surname. I looked like an idiot to put it mildly. Unfortunately the rumour that I wasn’t sure how to spell my own name has stuck to this day.

Back to business!

Australia

The official video seems to be a live performance. That’s impressive as the singer doesn’t hit any wrong notes, and there are a lot of them. Are the note choices good? No. Well they’re alright. The song title is ’Technicolour’. At least the video IS in colour. We’d all be trolled otherwise, and Australia should show more respect if they want to be part of Europe, and many don’t! It’s actually a mild form of invasion.

Austria

This track (called ‘Amen’) is too much for me, sorry. There are no bum notes (I should hope not, this is a studio recording), but I simply can’t understand how people can be so emotional. I can’t even begin to imagine the funny reactions the performer must get from people. A phone operator would be like ‘Hello, you’ve just phoned Papa Johns, what’s your order?’ and the singer would go ‘Hawaiian! :D Amen! :) Amen! :) :) :)’ Weirdo.

Azerbaijan

A song with industrial synths and the very metal sounding progression i, bII, vii (I think. Nice and phrygian). I’m actually reminded of Rammstein, which I’m sure wasn’t the songwriter’s intention. But if it was, rock on. ImI Now we need Germanic lyrics about eating people. Too disturbing? Well actually ‘Mein Teil’ by the band in question was about someone who WANTED to be eaten, so that’s not so bad. Eurovision gold.

Belgium

Another wedding dress! I guess this person’s not quite as mental as the person freezing in the snow, but only a very eccentric person would have so many candles in her house. Dresses are very flammable, you know? She doesn’t know what she’s doing! :S

Break! This time, I have a question for YOU: What does this mean? I got the following quote from the internet, when searching if there is a cure for one of the world’s most common diseases… (I don’t have it, I was just curious). Here goes…

‘There are no cures for any kinds of cancer, but there are treatments that may cure you’.

I’ve been pondering on that one for a while, and I can’t crack its meaning. Maybe I’ll get it one day…

Back to bizness!

Bulgaria

Here we have a track called ‘Growing Up is Getting Old’. I’m not sure if that was meant to be deep, or so obvious it was deliberately annoying and patronising, but on the plus side, this is my favourite song so far. I still don’t like it, though. Also, here candles have been replaced by lightbulbs. Good move.

Croatia

Like the last video, this one features an old fashioned TV. (I didn’t point that out earlier, as unsurprisingly, I didn’t think it was significant). Wedding dresses and retro televisions? They’re easily some of the weirdest recurring themes I’ve ever heard of. Am I missing something, here? Why am I supposed to focus on them? Teddy bears similarly get repeated. Surely that stuff wasn’t chosen at random was it? If I wrote random assignments back in school, I’d get an immediate fail. I know, because that’s what happened.

Cyprus

The children creepily chanting ‘El Diablo’ (‘The Devil’, that is) is plain odd. It could work in a black metal song, but NEVER a Eurovision one. Go back to the drawing board, get out your dictionary and look up the word ‘pop’. Noobs.

Czech Republic

Here we have a more up to date TV, this time! Also, the performer swings on a swing which appears to be in his house; then he ends up behind bars; goes out for a meal; dances alone in a disco with a 7 foot high roof and a floor that is a puddle; ends up in a boxing ring; cuts through a wall with a pickaxe; goes to a library; eats a donut, I mean, yeah. That’s pretty much the definition of random.

Denmark

A personal highlight for me, was when the singer ran all over the stage like a lunatic on too much caffeine. As the lyrics are in Danish, I have no idea what the guy is going on about. It’s either coffee/energy drinks or a tragic case of mania. End the stigma.

Estonia

The lyrics go ‘I might be the lucky one’ and at that exact point, the singer is shown drowning. :S

Break! Here’s a question from competitive Conrad, from California…

Conrad: Have you broken any personal records, lately?

Simon: Yep. The other day I ate four bananas! :O

Back to Bizniz!

Finland

Oh no, a metal song called ‘Dark Side’. The title is about as much of a cliche as Necro Death or Hammer of Pain. I guess the song’s alright, but it’s fairly average. Devil’s Flame is a good name too, if you want to annoy someone. (Or rather me - at very least get a thesaurus!)

France

I wasn’t expecting the speeding up tempo at the end. If it carried on any further, it would have turned into full-blown death metal. It’s a shame it didn’t. A death metal Eurovision song WOULD be good. Push the boundaries.

Georgia

Very positive lyrics, very dreary song. Don’t really know what else to say about this one. If it wins, something has seriously gone with the European population’s mood. Depression pandemic.

Germany

Here we have a song called ‘I don’t Feel Hate’. What the hell has gone wrong with Eurovision? Remember how it used to be all light and fun? Now we have songs suggesting that most of the time, people can’t stand each other. I think one lyric goes ‘I really don’t care if you want to bash me’, which is a little odd. I’m hoping the Germans realise ‘bash’ can also mean ‘mock’ and they’re not referring to people being hit with baseball bats. That’s too dark for Eurovision. Don’t push the boundaries. Nevertheless, my favourite song so far…

Greece

More puddles, but at least they’re not in buildings. Well I guess it’s more flooding than puddles. Here’s a thought: When does a puddle stop being a puddle?? I can be philosophical, too.

Iceland

Ah, the same guy from last year is performing again. I felt a bit bad for him all that time ago as he could have easily won. Now I don’t have to, and I finally feel free of all stress. The keyboard solos here, kind of remind me of Sega Mega Drive Sonic. If that’s not cool, I don’t know what is. All things considered, this is my favourite song so far. (Although Germany’s reassuringly un-hateful one is a strong contender).

Here’s a question from Intellectual Ian, from Egypt…

Ian: Do you have anything intellectual to say?

Simon: Yes! I read that ‘what do you mean?’ is a more intelligent question than ‘how do you know?’, but the article could have done with more clarity. There are many situations where the former question is complete nonsense. For example, if a driving instructor goes to you ‘turn left, here’ and you say, ‘how do you know?’ that’s not so bad, but if you say ‘what do you mean?’ there is something wrong with you.

Back to biznzzzzzzzz!

Ireland

A bit fast for pop music. Add some chugging guitars, and you’ll have a Slayer song. Oh yes, and you need to change the lyrics to stories about killing people. Maybe next year. Push the boundaries.

Israel

More water everywhere! Whilst Greece stuck to flooding outside, Israel have regressed into nonsensical indoor flooding. :( I think the song’s actually pretty good though. Hopefully in the live performance, everything will be nice and dry. In all seriousness, people could easily get electrocuted.

Italy

Hardcore rock fans will know the main guitar riff is ridiculously cliched, (and it keeps going on and on) but the rapping is at least a bit different. As Italians speak quickly anyway, I guess the style comes naturally to them. English people speak more slowly, but the language is more efficient, so they can get away with it. Pros and cons.

Latvia

The guy going ‘er-her-er-her-er-her’ over and over again, sounds like he’s trolling his own song. It goes on for a minute, there’s a break for about 20 seconds and he comes back! This song is dumb.

Lithuania

Everyone is wearing yellow! I read that people wearing the colour are depressed and are sub-consciously trying to cheer themselves up. Here’s an idea: Sing a happy song! Ok, ok, the dance is very happy (too happy if anything, it looks a bit mental), but more can be done, that’s all.

Next up is a question from Narcissistic Nigel, from The Best Place Ever…

Nigel: Hello, have you ever felt superhuman?

Simon: Yes! The other day, I guessed the amount of words in one of my monologues exactly. (751). I was thinking to myself ‘Ha. Maybe I have a gift’. Annoyingly I haven’t done it since. (Or beforehand). It was an amazing feeling, though.

Back to bzzzzzzzzz!!!!!

Malta

Waterfalls this time! Is it an indoor waterfall? I can’t tell. The more suspicious people out there may come to the conclusion that bizarre sceneries are meant to take your mind off of cliched songs. I got distracted, too. (At first. Then I found the strength and thought for myself. Can’t trick me!!)

Moldova

Another song using Arabic scales! Arabia isn’t in Europe and neither is Australia. I guess in the world of Eurovision, anything can happen. I think Chad should be in the contest, too. Just to screw with people. MORE randomness!!!

North Macedonia

A very emotional pop song, (again, a little too emotional for me) but I liked the Metallica reference. Fade to black! ImI Times have changed though; if you want to put a full blown metal song in the contest, you can! Nice limbo at the end, too.

Here’s a question from Monologing Monica from The Maldives.

Monica: Do you have any ideas for another monologue?

Simon: Yep, here’s a thought to expand upon: Is it better to be a girl or boy? Boy pro No.1: Washing your hair is easier. (Unless you’re a hippie). That’s all I can come up with for now, though. :(

Back to bz!

Norway

Not sure what the minute or so of ambient minimalism was all about at the start. Not exactly catchy. The floating feather SEEMS to be a Forrest Gump reference, too. I think I’m speaking for the vast majority of the population when I say the ideas need a lot more explaining. If I was contributing with the video making, I would add a box of chocolates and make the main character run a lot, if the team like the film so much.

Poland

‘Hold on tight, make it alright.’ Wow, alright. How exciting. I think one lyric goes ‘I’m going to take you to the end of your line.’ At first I heard that as ‘I’m going to take you to the end of your life’, which would be disturbing.

Portugal

A black or white video! I knew it was only a matter of time! The last years went mad for black and white. Oh, now there’s some colour. A Wizard of Oz reference, it seems. So we have Forrest Gump and The Wizard of Oz. Great! What next? Full Metal Jacket? Or The Human Centipede? Who knows??

Romania

Not bad, not bad. But will the Romans rule Eurovision like they ruled Europe a couple of thousand years ago? Probably not. If they did, it would be Rome mania. I didn’t do too well in history at school, but I DO know the basics. I was actually accused of writing word salads, but I’m better now.

Russia

I’ve been looking forward to this one, as last year’s entrant was great. Ah. This one’s not quite so enjoyable. It’s actually one of the more angry songs. Time to cancel my trip to the country, then. I thought it would be fun and wacky.

Here’s a question from Danny the Dreamer, from Narnia…

Danny: What do you want to see the most in the world?

Simon: I’d love to see a leading formula 1 car stop by the finish line, wait for the person in second, then cross the line just in time. Even better, I’d love to see a F1 car go in reverse.

Back to b….

San Marino

Here we have a song called ‘Adrenalina’, which I assume means adrenaline. What causes a release of the hormone for the singer? Maybe flying a jet fighter, or doing a bungee jump? Nope. Spinning around in a circle.

Serbia

A song called ‘Loco Loco’ (or crazy crazy, or nuts nuts), from an act called Hurricane? As a speed metal fan, I’m disappointed. It’s pop!

Slovenia

Very slow pop, this time. Slowness from Slowvenia. Ha. How about that?

Spain

Why has another person got a swing in his house?? And why does he look so sad? I’d LOVE a swing in my house.

This last question is pretty special… It’s from Star Fighter Simon Wiedemann from alternate universe 46533554455

Star Fighter Wiedemann: Hi, it’s the star fighter version of you, and I’ve just zapped countless aliens, saving the entire universe. My question is: How ya feelin’?

Simon: Not bad. You?

SFW: Great! Very pleased!

Simon: You should be!

SFW: Thanks!

Back to zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..

Sweden

No, I can’t hear a million voices calling out in the rain. THIS song should be called Loco Loco. The singer is clearly very unwell, I mean wow, a MILLION voices. That’s VERY severe schizophrenia. I can’t even imagine what that must be like. Time to cancel Albania’s appointment. :S

Switzerland

Why’s THIS person so sad? You know what he needs? A swing in his house. I don’t know what the set on fire car is about? Temper tantrum, much? Buy your own damn swing. Oh my mistake, it seems to be a car accident. Whoops.

The Netherlands

You know my broccoli, you know broccoli, you know my bro-cco-bro-coo-ly. :S (Watch the video to understand that perplexing comment).

Ukraine

I can’t work out what the metal thing on the singer’s face is. Here are my theories: It’s the world’s most useless crash helmet; it’s a huge slug, paralysed with fear; they’re ruined glasses; it’s a strange object attached to her as a joke, and she doesn’t know it’s there. Tbh, I really don’t know.

United Kingdom

This isn’t going to win. :(

All done! That took ages. In conclusion, I think either the peace loving Germans will win, or Iceland will. Ironically there will probably be a war between them, and the former would HATE that. That’s all I have to say, really. I guess for the 253rd time… Byeeeeeeee!!!!