Eurovision Part 8 (Blog 438, Superblog 19)

Hi, Simon here, it’s time for another Eurovision superblog! As always, I won’t be giving deep reviews of the songs and videos of the various countries, the paranoid people out there may even think I’m mocking them. Crazy people. Severely paranoid people may believe I’m mocking their whole country’s sense of taste, but I guess I’m not the one to judge. Here’s my idea of a Eurovision lyric: ‘1111 2222 1111 wooooooooo’. Yes, a palindrome with me making a funny noise. Dull for most people, but mathematicians, people with autism, OR OCD will love it. If you’re all three of those people it’s actually perfect, so maybe I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I’m not going to bother making a new apology monologue, but I am sorry for mentioning palindromes again, I was just starting things light. (Well light for you, I really enjoyed it). Now let’s go!

Albania

In the slow section of the song’s video there is a horse, then when it speeds up the horse is gone! I’m just saying the new tempo is at horse galloping speed, so the act have missed an opportunity to make the most of the animal. We all love horses. Maybe it ran away because the song was bland.

Armenia

I like how the singer ruined a chess game in this video. However, if she was a pro level troll, she would have done so whilst looking thoughtful. That way she would come across as even more of an obnoxious idiot, and as all immature people know, that is ultimate goal. Now I’m almost 36, I have retired from such activities, but who knows what the future will bring? Maybe there will be a comeback. However, to be honest, the main reason I don’t troll online chess games anymore, is because the site is now members only. Maybe because of me.

Wow, two countries critiqued. Time for a rest I guess, here’s a mini blog about the last London Comedy Writers meeting and my travels, there…

When leaving for the LCW meeting (or trying to), the home train station announcer said all trains would be cancelled for about three hours! That was because the signals were broken from my town to about five stops afterwards. I bought a train ticket for more than £20 earlier on, and I wasn’t going to be screwed over by the company, I would be going to London successfully and making the most of my ticket! Not to worry, there was a replacement bus service. However, it would be leaving half an hour later than what I’m used to! Not looking good is it? Interestingly, the driver was an old care worker I once worked with. Would he drive with care? I’d soon find out. When I got on the bus and waited for it to leave, it made really loud rumbling noises… My ears! They’re sensitive, so stop screwing them up!! It wasn’t TOO bad, as I soon found the bus stopped rumbling when it moved, though. (You’d expect it to be the other way around, right??) Sadly however, I found the rumbling came back every time the bus stopped and as there was a fair amount of standstill traffic, there was a fair amount of rumbling. I mean… argh! On the plus side, it was a careful drive! :)

Finally when I was dropped off at the first WORKING (apparently) train station, I found the trains were delayed anyway! That is not a station that is working! It wasn’t all bad though as when I did get on the train, I was entertained by two people discussing various people and how sexy they were. When I got to London, I think I actually saw Derren Brown! If it wasn’t him, he sure looked liked him. Let’s Google Derren Brown’s whereabouts now, and see if the internet can give me any clues… Nope, my search of ‘where is Derren Brown now’ offers no info. BUT it is a win for privacy on the whole. Anyway, despite all my hardships, would you believe I arrived at the meeting bang on time?? I was worried I’d interrupt a script reading, no no, I quickly sat down and gave my name as everyone else did, in the opening ‘getting to know everyone’ part of the get together. Super cool. The meeting’s break was a bit annoying though, as I was in between two people having a rather loud conversation. Of course you CAN’T say to a stranger ‘stop shouting in my ear’ so I had to put up with it which annoyed me. To end a perfectly reasonable night and when at home, I had the opportunity to see my computer clock change hour. Better than that, I saw the change of a new day, and even month! Not bad!

Back to business…

Australia

The video of this song is genuinely terrible, it’s just two people smiling and looking excessively friendly for 3 minutes! Needless to say a very uncreative idea. It would be funny if the entry was a death metal song though, just for the sake of irony. First a non European country enters a contest in Europe, now they make videos that look like a prank. If I was the country, I’d try my hardest to show my gratitude.

Austria

Ice flows in your veins? When your heart is beating you feel no pain? I’m not a doctor, but that sounds incredibly strange to me. If I had to guess, I’d say you have very extreme hypothermia and if you can’t feel your body anymore, I mean… it’s not good. Please go to hospital.

Azerbaijan

The singer can make bright blue balls come from his hands, much like Ryu from Street Fighter! However, the singer uses his powers non-violently. Well, in the video, anyway. Who knows what happens after it was filmed, right? Maybe the singer wen’t ‘Hadoken!’, launched a blue ball at the other performers and KO’d them. :S

Belgium

‘All we chase is shining in the moonlight. Are we sure the kids are alright?’ I mean, if I had to guess, no. If my parents ever chased things in the moonlight, I’d be scared. An interesting idea for a pop song, though.

Croatia

A Rammstein style song about leaving farming for the city. However, at the end of the video, it seems the singer is confused and doesn’t reach a city, but what looks like the sea. It’s ok, I’m bad with directions, too.

Cyprus

A song about a liar? The singer complains that she was promised the world? She’s an idiot. Even if it was possible to give someone the world, wouldn’t the other people on it be kind of unhappy about the whole deal? They’d just be like ‘someone has just given all my stuff away…’ It would be very strange.

Hi, Dominant Egg, here, I’ve been paid by Simon Wiedemann to spice this blog/podcast up a little and I’m with him in the studio. I can’t top his epic bus then train story, but how about this: I’ve talked with Derren Brown! He was just like ‘How do you speak, how do you hover? What makes you different to other eggs?’ I have to admit, I don’t really know. I guess my Harvard education makes me more intelligent than your standard egg, but the hovering? I suppose it’s a gift…

Simon: Hi, Charlie, that was a great story, that’s exactly what I wanted from you. I never knew you went to university, what did you study??

DE: I have a doctorate in music and philosophy…

Simon: No way, that’s incredible. Did you write any music in this contest, haha?

DE: Yes.

Simon: What, really?

DE: Sure did.

Simon: What song did you write?

DE: The best one.

Simon: And what is that?

DE: I’m not telling you, because you won’t vote for it.

Simon: Oh come on, you may be annoying but you’re not DAN annoying. Sure I’d vote for you.

DE: Really?

Simon: Well no, I don’t bother voting for anyone, but if I was forced to vote for you at gunpoint, I would vote for you.

DE: Oh. Thank you, that was genuinely you being exceptionally nice. May I ask what I’ve done for you? Did I do something that ended up saving your life, somehow? Something like that?

Simon: I don’t think so…

DE: Oh. But I’m not telling you what song I wrote, anyway.

Simon: I guess I should have paid you after you came here to have this discussion, not before…

DE: Lolz.

Simon: Don’t lolz at me… :(

Czechia

You need to put yourself on a pedestal, as the song goes? You want my advice? Get therapy for that. If you don’t, what to you think will happen when you go to a statue museum? I’ll tell you: You won’t be able to control yourself, you’ll stand on all the art and you’ll ruin the whole experience for everyone.

Denmark

‘Hard like breathing underwater’? Yes, breathing under water is notoriously hard. Hopefully you’re not trying to get better at that are you? You’re not thinking ‘practice makes perfect’? If so, you need to stop ASAP. If you need me to tell you why, there is no hope for you.

Estonia

More horses, and again, they don’t stay until the end. Another bland song they’ve run away from? I actually thought the track was alright. Horse psychology is a mysterious thing.

Finland

A song called ‘No Rules!’ The lead singer has his shirt blurred for whatever reason, and for a while it seemed like his… trouser area… was blurred as well. Long story short, I thought he was exposing himself live on stage. I mean there’s not having any rules, and then there’s y’know… crime. But again, I made a mistake.

France

Ah a French love song, who didn’t see that coming? And the song is called ‘Mon Amour’? (My Love)? Wow. The artist is called ‘Slimane’? Is that French for sly man? He may be sly, but creative and original? No.

Time for another break, this time I will be paying Dan for his comments via phone. I didn’t tell him how much I’d pay him though. Why? He’ll find out. Maybe he’ll earn a lot! So, hello Dan. Are you well?

Dan: Why did you get the job of main Eurovision podcast host and not me??

Simon: I’M ON, YOU’RE NOT!!!

Dan: Why did you shout that?

Simon: They’re Slipknot lyrics… I thought they related to this situation.

Dan: Ah. Of course. What Slipknot song were you quoting?

Simon: ‘Eeyore’. It’s a great song about some people being on (like me) and people who aren’t on, like yourself.

Dan: Are there any other Slipknot lyrics you’d like to quote?

Simon: Dear God, no.

Dan: I think you should check some out, they might be perfectly family friendly…

Simon: I guess ‘Blew it in the back room, feeling like a real goon’ isn’t too bad. If anything, that’s funny.

Dan: What’s it mean?

Simon: Hm. I’m wondering what you’d have to blow to feel foolish… Maybe he blew on the wrong birthday cake candles in the back room? I’d feel like a goon if I did that. When he found the REAL birthday cake to blow on, he was on and you weren’t.

Dan: The trouble with lyrics are they’re vague?

Simon: Exactly. You wouldn’t expect such a song to be quite so angry, though…

Dan: Anyway, how much are you paying me, then?

Simon: 50p!

Dan: 50p??

Simon: Now I know that will be disappointing for you, but I mean how long were you talking for? Not long!

Dan: How much did you pay the egg?

Simon: £50,000.

Dan: Where did you get that money from??

Simon: I asked for a loan.

Dan: Can you pay it back?

Simon: No, but my plan is to keep borrowing more and more and more over years and years to pay for my debts, and when I eventually die I won’t pay a penny back because I’ll be dead.

Dan: Surely you weren’t allowed a loan if you can’t possibly pay it back?

Simon: It was an illegal loan. I got it from a loan shark.

Dan: Errr…

Simon: What?

Dan: He’s not going to be happy about that…

Simon: Nooo. I’ll be fine. :)

Right, interview over! It should be pointed out that Dan reacts to me the same way as he reacts to James, as me and James do have a lot of similarities! :)

Georgia

‘I see it in the air, I’m running through these ashes, like a firefighter. Put out the fire, put out the fire!’ Here’s a thought, how is the audience supposed to tell those lyrics apart from a genuine warning that the venue is burning down? If the words weren’t bad enough, you hear a siren in the song! Even if there is no threat at the time, what happens if someone shouts those words in the future in a real disaster? They’d think it was a song!

Germany

This song has a swear word that’s censored! What kind of show is this? Naked people, a warning of horror and now swearing?? And the German song is called ‘Always on the Run’! Now we have a reference to running away from the law, this is not family friendly! Ok, I just assumed the title suggested crime, but I mean if you swear on a fun show for everybody, you are at least a bit of a criminal. Stop it!

Greece

Are people eating kebabs in this video? I think so. I’m just asking as such foods are greasy. It really is the perfect pun. Not new or anything, but it is more new than a French country writing a love song called ‘My Love’. Some of the lyrics go ‘ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta’ and ’ta’ is Greek for ‘the’. So we have ‘the, the, the, the, the, the.’ I literally can’t think of anything more vague. The what??? Sure lyrics are usually meant to be at least a little bit ambiguous, but saying ‘the’ over and over again isn’t true art, in my opinion.

Iceland

A song by Hera Bjork! I’ve just Googled ‘hera’ and it’s Icelandic for ‘army’. Army Bjork? Evidently, at least some Iceland military forces dress really weird… They wear dresses… Interestingly plain Bjork has a song called ‘Army of Me.’ Now there are at least two people in her army that sing on stage in funny clothes. You know what? I reckon ALL Icelandic army soldiers do.

Ireland

Wow, this is a dark song for Eurovision, it’s even a dark song in general. The song name ‘Doomsday Blue’ and the artist name ‘Bambie Thug’ hint at the kind of sound you’ll get, but more honest names would be ‘Doomsday’ by Thug. Again, not so Eurovision.

Isreal

One lyric goes ‘someone stole my moon tonight, took my light’ and a later one goes ‘who’s the fool who told you boys don’t cry?’ Wow, someone who believes it’s possible for someone to just steal the moon thinks someone is a fool? THAT’S an insult to be offended by. Also, the singer says ‘writer of my symphony.’ It’s not a symphony, it’s a song. I get how English isn’t your first language but you have to master it or you’ll just confuse others.

Italy

Apparently song title ‘La Noia’ means ‘boredom’. A dramatic song for boredom, Italian songs about excitement must be around 500 bpm. If Ireland can play goth music in the contest, I think Italy should play some speedcore, just everyone on stage going completely mental. It all started with Lordi’s heavy metal song and things have just gone down from there. I guess the audience look a little bored, though…

Time for another break! Sadly I have little to say right now, I guess I got the mini blog and the interview with the egg and Dan over with too quickly. My ears seem to be fine, though. I guess I can phone up Ben and see what he’s been up to…

Simon: Hello Ben!

Ben: Hello Simon?

Simon: Just phoning to see how you’re doing…

Ben: What do you want from me?

Simon: What? Why do you assume I need something from you?

Ben: Because you’ve never asked how I am.

Simon: Ok, I’ve been told I’m in very serious trouble with a loan shark, but other than that, I’m feeling pretty good.

Ben: Swings and roundabouts…

Simon: Yes! Right, how do you feel being on my special Eurovision podcast right now as you speak?

Ben: I’m on air now?

Simon: Yes!

Ben: Will you be paying me?

Simon: No, the thing is… well things are tough right now, but I do have a plan…

…

Simon: Hello?… Oh never mind.

Latvia

THIS song should be called ‘Boredom,’ or maybe ‘Dreary’. To be fair though, song name ‘Hollow’ isn’t too unfitting, though. ‘Hollow and Dreary’ would be perfect.

Lithuania

I actually thought this song was alright. Now I will have a look at the faces on the Youtube comments section to see if fans of the song look like me. A small scale experiment, if you will… Nope, just a random collection of faces. Dammit.

Dominant Egg: That was the song I wrote.

Simon: Wow…

DE: I wanted to feature in the video, just me letting loose and bopping up and down, but I wasn’t allowed.

Simon: That’s tough…

Luxembourg

A singer who looks like she belongs in The Adams Family. Is the film well known in Luxembourg? I hope so, it would soften the blow. I’m just saying I hope the singer doesn’t think her look is anything new or whatever. A good singer though, and that’s what matters.

Malta

A song by Sarah Bonnici! ‘Bonnici’ isn’t a word according to my online translator, BUT ‘bon nici’ is Romanian for ‘well neither’! A little tip for the singer: Don’t visit Romania and tell them your name after shopping, otherwise the staff will get confused and not give you anything.

Moldova

A song by Natalia Barbu. ‘Barbu’ is Romanian for ‘beard’! Lots of misunderstandings in Romania, right? I wonder why that is. A tip for Natalia: When in Romania, wear a fake beard. You’ll get less questions, that way.

Netherlands

A song by Joost Klein… ‘Joost’ is Romanian for ‘low’!! A tip for the singer when in Romania: Don’t climb mountains, you’ll only cause confusion. (Because you’ll be high). Moving on, the song is a masterpiece, it really is.

Norway

A song by ‘Gate’ called ‘Ulveham’… ‘Gate’ is Romanian for ‘trappings’ and ‘Ulveham’ is Romanian for ‘Howl’!! Again, so much confusion. By ‘Ulveham’, Norway actually meant ‘Wolf Man’ and ‘Gate’ should mean ‘Street’. i.e. Street Wolf Man. Not Trappings Howl… Just ignore Romania, Norway. I think you have a great song. :)

Dominant Egg: A lot of Romania hate, there…

Simon: Nooo, hate is a strong word. I’m just saying, if you want to learn the Romanian language, don’t get your hopes up, that’s all.

DE: I see…

Simon: I’m sure the next song won’t be about Romania at all, and we can both move on.

Poland

‘Tower’ by artist Luna’. Naturally Romania have to confuse things once more. In the country ’tower’ means ‘turn’. It’s from this point on I’m going to ignore them, they’re clearly desperate for attention. The song goes ‘I’m the one who built the tower’, but of course Romanians would be in hysterics, singing ‘I’m the one who built the turn!!’ Grow up.

Dominant Egg: Wow.

Portugal

A song called ‘Grito’. Is grito Romanian for ‘dreary’? I won’t find out because as explained, I’m ignoring them from now on.

DE: Simon! This is not moving on!

Simon: Sure it is.

San Marino

Ooo, a song called ’11:11’… that’s a palindrome. I have high hopes for this one, let’s listen… It’s alright, I suppose. I would have preferred the words to be sung in English and the numbers 1111 to be sung, or maybe ’12:33:21’ or even ’12:34:44:43:21’, but I guess not everyone has my passion for such numbers. :(

DE: That was better. Weird, but inoffensive.

Simon: See? I am nice.

Serbia

I’m kinda out of ideas now I’ve banned Romania from further comments… I guess cheer up, Serbia?

DE: Wow. THAT was nice. Kind.

Simon: Yes, here’s a joke to lighten the mood even further: Why was the plant killer holy?

DE: Because plants are evil?

Simon: That works too, but MY punchline is ‘It was de-vine’.

DE: Awesome. And just like that, all Serbians are fine.

Simon: Woo!

Slovenia

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to talk about Romania again. Song title ‘Raiven’ means ‘The Raven’ in Romania. See, that’s the kind of thing I wanted all along, logic.

DE: There are no words, Simon. Not anymore.

Spain

I don’t have to talk about Romania all the time, I can talk about Spain. So, their song title ‘Nebulossa’ is Spanish for ‘Nebula’ and the band name ‘Zorra’ means… Oh no. Let’s not keep talking about Spain.

DE: What’s it mean?

Simon: More filth for Eurovision, basically.

DE: Oh.

Simon: Yeah, a million miles away from ‘The Mark of Zorro’, that film was fun!

DE: What a difference a change of letter can make…

Simon: Couldn’t agree more.

Sweden

A song that goes ‘she is unforgettable.’ Is the song unforgettable? I would say no. But as the singers never say the song is unforgettable, they’re completely in the clear.

Switzerland

I had to Google what ammonites were after hearing them mentioned in this song. They’re extinct molluscs! Even after finding out, the songwriter’s thinking will have to remain a mystery to me at least. Out of curiosity, I Googled ‘extreme mental illness shown in music’ and Swiss artist ‘Nemo’ came up right at the top of the page. Only joking, Lady Gaga was at the top of the page. Poor Lady Gaga, I guess. But after the contest, Nemo will surely take the lead as he really does have a crazy song.

Ukraine

A second singer literally came out of nowhere and the performance was live! A perfectly reasonable song, but the spectacle? First rate.

United Kingdom

Not a bad song from Olly Alexander, but I much prefer his Communion album. Why not just perform a track from that? Because it’s not new? Well, why not play the song in a different key? That way, all the notes would be different! A completely different song! :D

Simon: Right, podcast/blog over! I guess I should say thanks to Charlie Baldwin here for making a great appearance!

DE: Thanks. You were good, too. Just lay off the Romanians a bit, that’s all…

Simon: Sorry Romania…

DE: Are you going to say sorry to Dan for annoying him and wasting his time?

Simon: Oh, I never say sorry to Dan.

DE: And on that positive note, bye?

Simon: You know me too well, egg. Bye!!!!