Grape Quest 2 (Blog 212)

Today, I’m going to seek out candyfloss grapes in Staines, again. Hopefully they’re not out of season now. If they are, I’ll have to wait till next year and if they’re not around THEN at very least, I’ve been teased quite frankly. But before that… how about some tidbits? First of all, when I was in the London Comedy Writers meeting on Tuesday (again), I saw a very strange beer mat. It had a dark background with ‘Strongbow’ clearly written on it. That wasn’t so strange. But the dark coloured writing under the brand that said ‘Carn’ and the following lighter writing saying ‘evil’ certainly looked weird at first. As the first syllable blended into the background, it looked like it just said ‘Strongbow: Evil.’ Why Strongbow? Why? I don’t want to summon any demons, I just want a drink!

Tidbit no. 2: I keep hearing (or rather mishearing - I think) people on politics programs talking about some mysterious guy called ‘Pierced Armour’. I was thinking ‘that’s a badass name’, but I can’t seem to find him on Google. I genuinely don’t know what he’s called. I’ve searched for ‘Piers Dahmer’ and ‘Pierce Darmer’ but again, my efforts have been fruitless. It really is annoying me. I don’t even know why. I guess I’d love to know what his occupation is. Does he work for the military? Is he a leading general? If so, Pierced Armour is a perfect name for him, especially if he gets shot. Whoever he is, well done to his parents. If you the reader know who I’m referring to, please leave a comment, I’d be very grateful.

Moving onto the kinda related subject of cool numberplates: I saw one lucky car parked near to me with ‘777’ on its back. It wasn’t 777 on its own, that would be really cool, but still, a very attractive number. I was considering saying to the owner ‘nice numberplate, man’, but perhaps sadly, I left it. I may not have to leave it for long though, as I’ve seen triple X number plates and all sorts. I was considering taking pictures of such plates in the hope of building a nice little collection, but what if I got caught? Would my ‘nice numberplate’ defence work? Probably not. Titbits over, then. Let’s get these grapes. And of course Starbucks hot chocolate and cream. And some toothpicks. Because I accidentally threw about 75 of them away. (No not individually, as a bunch. Only someone completely crazy would accidentally throw that many objects away one by one). Nope, actually I bought more off Amazon already. Oh yeah.

I’m back from the shops! Whilst out I did indeed get a Starbucks. Sadly the improved cup physics mentioned last time seem to have been scrapped and the cream is now harder to get in your mouth. I have no idea what it’s like working behind the scenes in the Starbucks drink texture/cup making headquarters, but evidently things are all over the place. The taste is fine. The company know that, or that would be changed too, it’s just that little touch of genius seems to have gone. Once I left, I was on the look out for some dinner. I saw a burger stand advertising ‘Angus Beef’, but that made me suspicious. What is Angus Beef, really? Technically, it could be from any cow a farmer chooses to name ‘Angus’. Wow. Is that supposed to be impressive? Consequently, I got a hotdog instead. And my word was it drenched with mustard. Sure I asked for mustard, but rather than a mustard flavoured hotdog, really I got hotdog flavoured mustard.

This is going to make me sound bad, but I stayed in the Staines car park one minute longer than I was supposed to, and technically speaking I’m on the run from the law. Well maybe. If you’ve read my interviews, you’ll know my relationship with car parks is complex. Does it have to be like that? Probably not, but I guess I’m a strange person. At least this time I understood what was going on. And don’t worry! The car journey home went great! Even though I wanted to, I didn’t turn right when I was told by a sign not to. (Two signs in fact, I guess the makers felt very strongly about that). I didn’t even agree the sign should have been there (well maybe I did a little), yet I STILL obeyed it! In fact I always do what I’m told on the road. I don’t want to get a criminal record. Would I get a record for staying one minute too late and leaving the scene of a crime? And would this clear evidence be used against me? Nooo. Surely not.

Would you believe I bought ‘Paranoid’ by Black Sabbath, which I’m listening to now? You’d think I’d have it already, right? What kind of metal CD collection doesn’t have Paranoid? It’s like someone not having Master of Puppets or The Number of the Beast. If a ‘metal fan’ says he’s never heard of such albums, well done, you’ve spotted a fake. I also bought an album by Sabaton. I know they write music that’s as cheesy as hell, but like many, I’m partial to a bit of cheese. Similarly to people who like literal cheese, I don’t want musical cheese all the time though. Sabaton wouldn’t make you SICK if you listen to them too much or metaphorically eat excessive amounts of their material(?), but they would get annoying.

Perhaps more interestingly, I’ve got three boxes of grapes right in front of me. (That’s what you’ve waiting for, no?) I wonder what the guy at the checkout was thinking. Surely some kind of massive grape tasting party was about to happen. If so, he’d be almost right, just a very small party. One box is filled with the mango grapes I mentioned a while ago. Another is a brand called Muscat grapes. They are very tasty, but nothing special. I’d never heard the word/name ‘Muscat’ before, so I didn’t know what to expect. I was hoping Muscats were kinds of sweets, but apparently not. That’s not to worry, though! Whilst I couldn’t find candyfloss grapes, I DID find Tutti Frutti grapes which are perhaps even nicer. THEY taste like sweets! I’ve eaten so many of them, I’m starting to feel sick, in fact. Or maybe that’s because of the hot chocolate and cream I consumed whilst out. Would’t be a strange thought would it?

Ok, blog over I guess. To summarise, don’t assume because grapes are (apparently) good for you, you won’t be sick everywhere if you eat too many of them. I’m almost reaching that point. Combining super sugary drinks with the fruit could be disastrous. Time will tell. Secondly, here’s a message to Starbucks: I don’t know what’s going on in your meetings, but if you’d just listen to my expert advice (I studied physics in school), it would save you a whole lot of time and effort. Lastly, be careful not to throw all your toothpicks away. Do you want to go to the dentist and let him or her down? Do you want him or her to look you in the eye and say you’ve ruined her day and will now sue you, or even call you a no good teeth neglecting scumbag? That’s what I thought. Bye!