January Tidbits! (Blog 234)

More tidbits! I really hoped this style of blog would be over forever, and that I could happily continue to review things that actually happen to me, even if annoying, but hey - lockdown. Most are doing nothing, so we’re all screwed. (Apart from ultra hardcore gamers I suppose, I’m not sure if they notice a difference). First things first, on self reflection, my idea of a machine gun armed with vaccines, not bullets may be a speedy way of protecting the population, but it’s highly unethical, so again, we’re all stuck. On the subject of coronavirus, how come only bad misinformation is spread? I will be breaking that trend by saying the vaccines actually make you psychic. My understanding of the placebo effect is very limited, but if you believe something will happen, it will happen as long as you think it’s because of medicine, right? I think it’s something like that, anyway. Like self fulfilling prophecy? I don’t know.

Great! Next tidbit! I thought I saw about 6 cameras pointing towards the kebab shop staff. I was thinking ‘theres a company who doesn’t trust its workers’. Then I realised they were lights. Epic! Next: I saw on Youtube someone mixing drinks loaded with sugar and drinks full of artificial sweeteners together in the same strange beverage. I was thinking ‘that’s REALLY going to confuse the brain if artificial sweetener alone causes problems, and makes it react chaotically’. It would be like saying to a poor lost motorist ‘Left! no, not left, right! No, left, I was right! no… right!!! NOW i know what’s going on. Nope, left. I mean right.’ I also saw on Youtube the same competitive ‘super drinker’ drinking a drink slowly ‘for a change’ rather than guzzling it down as fast as possible. So really I just watched someone drinking normally which wasn’t so interesting. It made him a lot of money, though.

Awesome! Next: As I’ve been writing music reviews for The Independent Voice for a while, I was wondering if I could submit my own experimental techno music to be critiqued. (Probably by someone else, but I wouldn’t mind having a go). Then again, I’m not sure I’d be able handle the low scores and rejection. Unless they like it, of course. But I don’t think anyone would admit that. Especially when bands like Limp Bizkit get ridiculed. (Well they did, people are over it now). The thing is LB were actually very good. They might still be good, but as they’ve been delaying their latest album for many years now, it suggests the band aren’t too excited about it.

Fantastic! Next: I’m being serious when I say almost all clocks are advertised at the time ‘ten past ten’, so the hands look happy. (By that I mean they are in a smile shape). Google a clock if you don’t believe me. If I said to someone I only like happy watches, they’d think I was mad. But what about watches for goths? Would they sell at 4:40? Taking things further, I wonder if goths only dare look at clocks at that time? No. Too far… Unless they’re OCD, maybe. That must be annoying. Why are digital clocks often advertised at 10:10 though? Is that the happiest number? You know what I think the happiest number is? Twoooo! It sounds cheerful doesn’t it? Or maybe threeeeeee. Or even better, twoooo past threeeee. Maybe a depressing sounding number is fooour. Just a thought. But me being right isn’t exactly crazy now, is it?

Cool! Next: Because of my passion for looking out for palindromes, I’ve found another: Are you nuts? Nuts you are. Could also be an extremely short story. Maybe a psychological horror. Sweet! Next!: If you can’t play guitar solos properly, just don’t play them and stick to riffs. Many bands think differently, but sounding like a dying cat isn’t cool. Unless you’re a complete freak who will end up in jail. I’m not saying cats lives have more value than cows or whatever (there are no cows reading this, right??), but a dying cat sounds much more offensive to the ears, so I’d rather hear a cow snuff it. I’m certainly not saying I want to hear them pass away, either, but yep, I guess if someone came up to me with ultra-bizarre question ‘What animal do you want to hear in pain’, I would be prepared. Don’t get me wrong, I’d call the police, too.

Groovy! Next: Don’t you feel sorry for autistic people who take everything literally? God knows what such people think of people who are drink drivers. I’m not sure how you’d drink a driver, I guess that only adds to the confusion and pain. ‘Raze to the ground’ is perhaps a phrase to mess with everyone’s noggin, as it sounds like ‘Raise to the ground’. But razing to the ground means knocking buildings DOWN and that kind of stuff. Just say ‘completely destroy’ instead. Sure it takes more time to say, (well it’s a syllable longer) but it takes a hell of a lot less time to understand. If you think I’m being dumb, how would you feel if I made a phrase that goes ‘punch them in the face’, but means ‘heal them’? And yes, it IS the same thing, actually. Both phrases have opposite meanings, don’t they? To wrap things up, here are more facts about my uncle…

My uncle can predict the weather with 100% accuracy.

My uncle is believed to be the first person to clap a rhythm in quintuplets.

My uncle is developing a new flavour of crisps.

My uncle can hold his breath for one minute and thirty seconds.

My uncle built the pyramids.

My uncle is in regular contact with several aliens.

My uncle weighs exactly the same as James Hetfield at all times.

One of my uncle’s shoes is orbiting the moon.

My uncle wrote Lord of the Rings.

My uncle invented laser eye surgery.

My uncle is almost as tall as Paul Gilbert.

My uncle never skips breakfast.

My uncle’s soap smells really nice.

My uncle REALLY likes custard.

Bye!