Just Another Couple of Days (Blog 207)

This blog won’t be about anything out of the ordinary for most people (well I don’t know), but as always, I’m trying to get my minimum of four blogs a month done. However, if you have autism, my stories of numbers will be a real treat. (Autistic people like that kind of stuff, right? I do too, just not THAT much). Let’s cut to the chase and have a number story right now. For many years, I have been playing a sort of game whenever I’m alone in my car waiting for something and with nothing to do. The game is simple: Look at your electronic clock and try and tap your finger exactly when the minute changes. (If your clock shows seconds, the game will be no fun at all). Again, it couldn’t really compare with the stuff you get with modern X Boxes but if you don’t have access to one, it certainly suffices for me at least.

Anyway, for I think the third or maybe fourth time in my life, as I was waiting in a car park to get my monthly blood test taken, I did the almost unthinkable - I tapped my finger the EXACT moment the minute changed. (You like that Aspies? There’s more to come!) Filled with wonder I tried again. I didn’t do it at first, BUT I did on the second attempt. Pretty damn cool I have to say. Soon enough, I left for the hospital on foot. I needed to wear a mask inside which wasn’t a problem as I have a few, but I knew from last time I went there I would get a free one if I entered wearing no covering. I made a saving of around £2.50! Excellent. Don’t be mad at me, technically speaking the tax payer (you) paid for that, but come on it was basically nothing. Calling me a thief or a con artist would be totally OTT. Which is why I’ll get a free mask next time, too.

Before I gave my blood, the nurse asked me for my birthday. Apparently her son also celebrates his special day on July 7th. Pretty cool, but so does my psychiatrist I was with at the time, for me to give my packaged blood to! Imagine if I was in the hospital on my me day with my birthday twins. There would be a palpable sense of euphoria. After all that business was over, I drove to the gym relatively early in the day as I would be going to the London Comedy Writers meeting later on. I’m definitely still enjoying working out, but the rowing machine has given me a condition I like to call ‘bum rash’ or ‘burning bum’. Surely not the medical names but they’re certainly descriptive, if not more so than what doctors call it. But I soldiered on. Sure, I most likely made the condition worse, but hey. I like rowing. As I said when it comes to numbers, this blog is exceptional and it only gets better, too. Get this: When I got back from the gym and then the shops, the time was 12:34 PM. Only the best number of the day! (Along with the rarely witnessed 12:34 AM). Mind blown.

The London Comedy Writers meeting, then: The train towards the event wasn’t anything special, it left at 17:11. The number isn’t a palindrome, it doesn’t go up or down by step (as in that classic 12:34) or exponentially, and other than the fact it has three repeating numbers, it really isn’t anything special at all. Then again, there is such a thing as overstimulation. Not to worry, the vehicle’s air conditioning was nice and later on in the journey, there was interesting graffiti to look at as I guarded my script-filled shopping bag from thieves. One of less creative artists scribbled his name over and over, I think about ten times, and the more interesting vandal wrote ‘I love eggs’ and then he just painted a load of the things another ten or so times. As I’m sure many are thinking - why?

At no point in the meeting was I bursting to pee. That’s good isn’t it? I’ve certainly had desperate peeing urges in the past. However, my lack of troubles may simply be because I was sweating so much, as was everybody else. A sweating like a pig joke was even made. Excellent self-deprecation, though if he took himself more seriously and used deodorant, it would have been nicer for everybody. Only joking, the joker didn’t smell. Well not to me but I was at the other end of the room. So maybe he did. Who knows? In the get together, after my chocolate treats, I had my Genie sketch read out. Did people laugh? Yes. Were people in hysterics? No. I guess you could call that a compromise.

On the walk back to the station, I got another dirty hand. Why do I get a dirty hand whenever I leave London? Maybe it’s because of the escalator handrails. Why could handrails be so dirty? Because of other’s poor hygiene? Smelly and dirty Londoners. Another reason England has a bad reputation in foreign countries. :( On the train back, I had a eureka moment. I realised what burning bum is called: Pressure sores! I guess the medical name is roughly as unambiguous as what I call it, but still, both names are valid. When I left the train, I walked to the nearest petrol station and got a bottled milkshake. Not GBK quality, but good enough. I got asked ‘would you like a bag?’ I was thinking ‘no, not really. I only bought one item and I already have a bag’, but I guess it was nice I had the option.

The next day I went to Staines in the hope of getting those magical candyfloss grapes. They’re in season now, and that’s a fact I have known for quite some time. I’d also recently heard of strawberry grapes and tutti frutti grapes but sadly I couldn’t find any of those. I did however find mango grapes and they do taste quite like mangos, but a fruit tasting of another fruit isn’t so special. Fruits tasting of sweets on the other hand is something to be genuinely excited about. I also bought some cherries, and to be honest I preferred them over the hybrid grapes. Would I ever be enthusiastic about cherries tasting of grapes? Probably, but now that I think of it, maybe I shouldn’t be. Again, cherries tasting of Fruit Pastilles or Starbusts shouldn’t be missed.

The hot chocolate and cream I got from the local Starbucks however was much better. The recipe had been upgraded with an added bit of chocolate sauce and the cup physics had been greatly improved. Before, I had to move the cup in strange and unpredictable ways to consume the cream with the drink, this time the cream floated directly into my mouth. It really is the little things in life that make a big difference. That was the trip out to Staines, basically. I also got some mouth wash and some toothpicks, but I lack the creativity to make that sound interesting. I’m also yet to buy a newer copy of my badly damaged Kill ‘em All. I guess…. Bye!