London! (Blog 264)

Yesterday, I went to the physical, in-person version of the London Comedy Writers meeting for the first time in about a year! (As opposed to the online version). Unsurprisingly, the train journey to the place wasn’t particularly interesting, but I did notice some graffiti that said ‘(expletive) the’ something. I couldn’t make out the last word, but I’m assuming it said ‘police’, simply because you hear the phrase a lot in hip hop music. I guess some people feel the need to show their fondness of the phrase in a way that vocalised words alone, can’t express. Yep, they have to write it down. Personally I think the world would be an absolutely horrible place without police, and deep down, I think that’s what the ‘artist’ thinks too. How would he feel is someone stole his treasured purple paint? Of course, he could take matters into his own hands, but it would interfere with his schedule of offending people.

Many years ago, I noticed someone had graffitied a swear word on a building with very poor paint control. It looked like a five year old had written it. The events leading up to and following the vandalism must have been pretty intriguing. First up, wait till dad leaves the house, take his spare keys and paint, make sure no one is looking, scribble an obscenity nearby, sneak back home, and be as cool as a cucumber so dad’s not suspicious. I wonder what the ex-kid is doing now that he’s grown up. He could be a very rude government agent with such levels of sneakiness. Anyway, the journey: I noticed the London buildings had been vastly improved since a year or so ago. There are some really nice looking glass skyscrapers, now. However, lots of buildings are unfinished, spoiling the overall look. I’m getting the feeling nothing will ever be completed there, so I’m not too excited, though. It’s like in websites where the features get moved around all the time, apparently just for the sake of it. It’s annoying and most of all, pointless.

Soon after leaving the trains, I got myself some special chocolates. One was a chocolate lolly. A minor detail? Actually, for better or worse, it would inspire a decent amount of blog words. Maybe not funny in the traditional sense, in fact they could end up leading to a Simon-mental-health evaluation, but I don’t really care. My mental health has been evaluated already, and it was described as ‘tip-top’. When I got to the LCW pub in the city, I ordered some drinks. The bar lady spoke to me like I was a mental patient and I couldn’t work out why. I guess it was just my general demeanour, but surely not because of my unusual behaviour in the prior online LCW meetings. You may know I had a habit of pulling funny faces and playing death metal when people were talking, and for that reason, going upstairs to meet the same members was a little on the awkward side. Not humiliating or whatever, I’m better than that. Things didn’t exactly get better, either; I looked like a huge narcissist when I tried using my chocolate wrappers as tooth picks, (which didn’t work), but most people don’t understand the horrors of dentist hygiene appointments. And who wants brown teeth stains, really? In my opinion, that was my most reasonable behaviour of the whole day.

Then I started chomping on my lolly’s cardboard stick. I find gnawing on them just as relaxing as smoking cigarettes (I’m assuming; I’ve never tried them, but I can imagine), the sticks are just less socially acceptable, I guess. (Unless I advertise me chewing on them, whilst giving a huge smile and thumbs up, which is an idea I’ve had for a while, now). More weird looks followed, which is perhaps a bit odd, as the special items are infinitely more healthy than cigs, and much cooler. (If you can pull off a bad-ass chewing style, like you see in movies, that is. By that I mean, sometimes you see people chewing I think tooth picks(?), and that makes them cool, for whatever reason. I don’t know who came up with that idea. Maybe someone like me). As I made notes for this blog the other members clearly looked annoyed with me. Playing heavy music online may be amusing to me and you, but most people don’t like it. I know that now. Still though, next online meeting I think I might seek out something even more special. I just need to sit and contemplate for a while. What music SHOULD I use? It may come as a shock, when I say I can be a surprisingly deep thinker when I want to be.

At the end of the meeting, I had lots of mangled up stick bits and various wrappers. I didn’t know what to do with my rubbish, so I just left it. I bet the staff had never seen anything like it. Why would someone deform a cardboard stick, turning into a soggy mess, and cut up loads of slices of thin plastic, covered in bits of teeth residue? Shouldn’t he be listening to the scripts being read out? Ha! That kind of behaviour is far too obvious for me. I’m on another level. That was the day, really, so it’s time to wrap things up. Oh yes, and lots of flea puns were shared for whatever reason. And someone made a joke that WAS entertaining, but for it to work, newts have to be lizards, and they’re not. I won’t go into why because it doesn’t really matter, but even so, the joke was mildly amusing, if nonsensical. That was the day then! Bye!