Nooooo 2 (Blog 215)

The London Comedy Writers meeting has been temporarily cancelled because of the dumb virus! I can just about handle that. I suppose I can replace the misleadingly named Hotel Chocolats I like to get at the time with other (more honest) choccies from all sorts of places, and I guess I can get some Starbucks, too. But do you know what can’t be replaced? The gym! That better not close! ’So what it’s just exercise!’ Ohhh, a classic non-gym member response. It’s NOT just exercise, it’s a whole way of life. First up I get to eat more before hand because of all the calories I’ll be burning, I get to eat more AFTERWARDS because of all the calories I’ve just burned and I certainly get to drink more water. (Ok, that last one’s not so exciting but it is refreshing. Yes you’re supposed to drink a lot anyway, but at the gym it feels like you need it more (because you do), so it’s better).

Not only that I SHOULD eat more just to maintain my weight and to build muscle. Furthermore, the drive to the gym is strangely relaxing and the journey back is relaxing AND filled with relief. So much so, I travel the unnecessarily long scenic route just to savour the moment. So you see, it’s NOT just the exercising, and if it closes down, I’m going to have to go back to cycling and damaging my hearing because of the traffic noise, even though I’m wearing earplugs. And don’t forget the sound of the wind - some say it can be compared to a loud rock concert or even a rocket launch. Or maybe I’m just making my symptoms up, as has been suggested. I’m also likely to run into that guy I first met 17 or so years ago who keeps making motorbike sounds, as he seems to live in the area I ride. (Fittingly I first saw him in a crazy house. Is he ending the stigma? I doubt it. I am, he’s not). Sure, I can handle him in small doses, but the sight of him for two minutes a week upwards? I really don’t know.

Ok, even if gyms do close, restaurants and in particular Papa John’s are likely to remain open, (well they did last time) but the thing is you HAVE to work out a lot before a large meal, so you can eat more of it. Not just on the day you get it, but the following day as leftovers. (And you get a lot of them as PJs are great value for money. I really wouldn’t mind advertising for the company if they’re reading this. Not only would it be amazing publicity, it would be genuine, too. A particularly powerful advert. Just think about it). Speaking of me working for other people, I sent a message to Metal Hammer magazine, asking them if they want me to write for them. If you’ve read that publication, you’ll know it’s a little more serious than the stuff I like to write, (though this nutter MH journalist called Nils is pretty immature - unless he’s finally been sacked) but who knows, maybe they’re looking for a new direction.

Not so much an informative direction and if they’re looking for wisdom they’ll definitely be disappointed with me, but still… be a bit weird, wouldn’t it? If it’s really that much of an issue, I CAN write more traditionally though, I just try not to if I can find away around the rules. That sure didn’t work when I was back in school, (no it really didn’t) but I’ll keep trying, now. You know what I’d really love? If I was in charge of the magazine. Can you imagine page after page after page of constant silliness and disrespect to artists, labels, and everyone? I for one would think that would be great. Ok, ok, ok, sometimes I ramble and I don’t ALWAYS know what I’m talking about. (You may have noticed my books aren’t exactly professional in areas, but do I care? No!) What I’m saying is, I don’t claim to know EVERYTHING about metal and that’s fine. However, if you’re reading this MH, I DO know everything about metal. I don’t know many djent bands sure, but they all sound the same so it doesn’t matter. Well I assume they do. Unfortunately as I haven’t heard many, I wouldn’t know. But they probably do. Just a load of open string chugging, right? This is the excellent kind of writing you could be missing out on.

Taking things further, imagine if I worked as a news presenter. Not only would I not research the stories and not read from the teleprompter, I’d just talk about my life for as long as I could before being kicked off and (needless to say)… being sacked. If the whole incident was posted on Youtube I’d sure get a load of views, but would I be demonetised? There are lots of rules when it comes to being paid, but is extreme obnoxiousness a reason for scaring off advertisers? I would hope not, but to be fair if I worked in advertising, I’m not sure I’d want to deal with someone so strange. Or imagine if I owned the news. That would be REALLY good. Yes, a bit too focused on me perhaps, but again hopefully more intense than what most viewers would be used to. That’s all I can think of to say, really. Ideally this blog will lead to future employment. Fingers crossed. Oh yes, and I finally found out who that mysterious guy I thought was called ‘Pierced Armour’ was - Keir Starmer! Of course! I was very close, though. Bye!