Optician Weirdos (Blog 548)

Earlier on today, I went to the opticians for a checkup as I haven’t been there for over two years. I can’t say I’ve noticed my vision getting worse in that time which is something. However, if someone shines bright lights into your eyes for a good minute or so as they look at you with a serious and analytical stare, you kinda get the feeling that there is the potential for something to be very seriously wrong with you. I’d have to wait and see. After being asked various questions that I’ve largely already forgotten (could be a mild case of amnesia or more likely I simply wasn’t paying much attention) I was told to take my glasses off. I did so and the health care worker said that was ‘perfect’. Well, I don’t know… I guess I take my glasses off pretty well, but I’ve never thought of my abilities as perfect before! Is there a taking glasses off competition? I really do hope so as now I think I’d ace it. Let’s Google when the next olympics are… 2028? That’s ages away, I guess I have lots of time to practice and get even better! Then again, is it really possible to improve on perfection? Smug Simon.

I didn’t notice I had any floaters until the optician asked me, which sounds promising but not so much when it could well have been a hallucination. Who knows, right? What if someone asks me I’ve seen the devil for whatever reason and then I see him right in front of me? That would be scary, but thankfully it’s an odd question I can’t see anyone ever asking me. Phew. However, it wouldn’t be crazy if someone asks me if I’ve seen my dad recently, would it? A perfectly reasonable question and then he appears right there. Terrifying. Coincidentally, I was asked if I was on medication and I said ‘yes, Clozapine’. I was then asked what that was for and I said ’schizophrenia’. Schizo pride, I should have shouted it so even people outside could hear. However, if you do that it could be perceived as another mental breakdown. No not true, it’s like people being proud of being autistic. Is that weird? No? Good because I don’t think it’s weird if I think the TV starts talking to me if I stop taking my meds.

The appointment was fairly typical with the comparing of lenses and the reading of letters in the distance and all, but what the hell was with the worker blasting my eye with a short burst of wind?? Even though it was explained that I’d feel wind in my right eye, it still took me by surprise as I didn’t really know what she meant until it happened. When she tried to do my other eye I was nervous and kept blinking (it was an odd feeling to prepare for) so she didn’t bother blowing it that time around. What if it turns out my left can’t deal with extreme winds? I guess I’ll never know as the test wasn’t done! Near the end of the session, my close up vision was tested and whilst I’ve never noticed it getting worse it was explained that it was indeed getting a little bit worse. Dammit. And I thought my right eye was 100% wind proof. A bit of a downer but come on if you don’t even notice something, can you really call it bad? Unless it’s the early stages of cancer, you certainly need to check that out. I was offered special glasses that help with long and short vision, but I left it. Let’s live in blissful denial, at least for now.

When my eyes were finished being tested, I had a look around the place to check out the frames. However, as I could barely see, looking in the mirror wasn’t as straightforward as you’d hope. Having said that, the lenses that were in the shop’s glasses did seem to improve my vision slightly. I thought that was strange, why bother putting prescribed lenses in them when simple, everyday bits of glass that have no effect on the eyes would surely be cheaper? Maybe I imagined it. Anyway, my plan was to get new glasses and keep my old ones as spares. I do have other spares but they’re very old now and don’t give me as clear vision. It’s a nice feeling seeing how your eyes deteriorate over the years. No, only joking, it sucks. I asked the staff for small frames like the ones I already own and was told he may have to order some for me. Great, he’ll have to do extra work, that’s what you get for blasting wind in my eye and making me jump. No only joking, how could I stay mad at someone who called it ‘beautiful’ when I put my credit card in the machine? You charmer, you! I guess it was beautiful. :) And it turned out he had suitable frames after all? Woah. And… bye!