Paradoxical Family Visit? (Blog 550)

As I’m typing on a Sunday, my dad said my brother and his family would be visiting me today. (The former has a habit of lying for no reason)… But I shaved, didn’t I? I never shave the day I see my brother and I shave every two days, as we all know. My dad should have said my sibling would be visiting me either yesterday or tomorrow if he would have any chance of me believing him. As the blog title suggests, me seeing my brother on the day I shave is a paradox. I don’t know the reason why that is but I’d absolutely love to. Has my brother been visiting me in code? If so, I’m more than keen to crack it but I don’t even know where to begin! One shave every two days, one visit every month or so, what does it mean???? I think it’s best to move on, I mean I got taught algebra in school and that’s like coding, right? No one ever told me what to make of THIS situation, though. Part of the problem is my school education is very limited. This may sound strange to you but I actually have a masters in music though, maybe that subject will help me crack the code, musicians will know music is like maths in many ways, after all. So… major scale, modes, cycle of fifths, does any of that stuff have anything to do with shaving? I don’t THINK so, so I’ll move on.

So I can fully appreciate the general festivities over the next few weeks, I will be doing my monthly short story earlier than usual. That’s a euphemism for ‘getting it out of the way’. I do like writing short stories but my word are they tiring. Several hours of pure concentration. I’ll also be doing next month’s music reviews earlier as well. Then I can sit back, relax and think about partying and buying presents. Having said that, my version of partying is a little different to most as in the London Comedy Writers Christmas get together, I usually sit in silence, eat from a large portion of chips kindly provided by another member, and drink a couple of cocktails I end up regretting. They taste very nice sure, but I’m spaced out enough as it is, and that’s made ten times worse after drinking alcohol, it’s actually quite frightening. I focus hard on not committing any kinds of crimes, hope for the best and walk home. But again, nice drinks!

This is extremely painful for me to talk about, but I got cocky when driving out of the petrol station and scraped my car’s side on a cardboard sign. Now my car is slightly malformed and has some paint chipped off as well. My dad says the dent looks intentional and I guess it does, but not if you examine one side of my vehicle and then the other, then you’d know something is wrong. Unless unsymmetrical cars ever become fashion, that is and I sincerely hope they do. My dad has ordered me some paint for my specific car after telling the internet my numberplate (that’s cool isn’t it, sometimes technology is good) and he said he may be able to reshape it. And why not make the most of my clumsiness in another blog?? If I don’t end up blogging about my dad repairing my car as I observe him and take notes, either the experience will be too upsetting or boring. But I probably will. Obviously I don’t take satisfaction from messing my car up, but I do take satisfaction in damaging the sign. Stupid sign. Having said that, I did tell a member of staff about the incident so I wouldn’t end up getting arrested.

Here’s something really weird: I recently topped up my mobile phone with £10, then got a confirmation text. Nothing wrong with that, but my phone soon said I had no balance at all. I texted EE how much balance I had, and was told £10 again. The next day though? I apparently had nothing once more, weird as I only made one phone call to my landline number the day before to check if it worked, and it did. It still works now, in fact. And you wonder why I hate technology? This situation is RANDOM. Oh well done EE, you’ve made me think £0 and £10 are the same thing, you’re picking on me because I keep saying I don’t know what I’m doing with life in general and I keep getting lost, aren’t you? You know what, maybe £0 and £10 ARE the same thing. After all, both have zeros and pound signs, right? Yeah, I think I’ve got this… Hang on, what? That makes no sense! Oh screw you! Call me paranoid, but I think I know where the company gets its name from: Let’s trick Simon, eee eee eee! Sounds like ‘hee’. Eerily similar in fact. Normally I’d apologise to EE, but no I want to get my short story out of the way and of course, I’m too annoyed. BYE!