Regal Teeth (Blog 274)

On Monday I had my teeth briefly looked at, because I brushed them a little too hard, like too much of a badass who needs to feel life as intensely as possible, and now I have receding gums and will be seeing the dentist properly today. Not only that, the tops of some of my teeth have gone gold, perhaps the most sought after colour on Earth. Despite the regal nature of my chompers, I actually preferred how they looked before, so apparently the dentist will sort me out. Whether I was so extreme with my brush I left permanent damage remains to be seen. If so, damn my precious metal teeth. I was told by my dentist to buy a special toothbrush that has a pressure sensor to stop me attacking my own mouth too hard. It hurts I’m not trusted with a regular toothbrush.

As I’m typing this up, I have hiccups which is obviously annoying, but if you can pull off a rare hiccup and burp at the same time, it is strangely satisfying. I did so, just now. I followed some instructions on the internet explaining how to get rid of the irritation, and to my amazement, they actually worked. (Ok, I didn’t bother swallowing a teaspoon of sugar, as that’s what caused many of my dental troubles in the first place, but clearly the sweet health-messer wasn’t necessary to make me better). Wow, I still haven’t hiccuped in ages. That really is cool. On a related(!) note (yes, I’m noted for being random), did you know Elizabethans used to clean their teeth, by rubbing them with sugar? Morons.

Wow, I STILL haven’t hiccuped. That really is incredible. You may have heard of the man who hiccuped for more than a year. Maybe he just needed to hold his breath and swallow water, etc. A real face palm for the doctors treating him, maybe all they needed was a minute or so on Google. To be fair though, the annoyed man had surgery to stop his condition, and I doubt swallowing water can shrink tumours, even with the fluoride that gets added to the drink. Well that’s not really surprising, as I think fluoride is only really good for your teeth. I don’t mean to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but why are my teeth so important to the government? THAT’S random.

You know what also sucks about going to the dentist? Parking. This may sound crazy, but I once parked my car, checked the door was locked, the windows were closed, and that I didn’t park in someone’s driveway for about three minutes. OTT? No. In the end I realised I parked in a disabled spot. Turns out I was right to be OCD in a way. I was just looking in the wrong places for ages. Yes, the dumbest places, but there was no chance my car’s insides would get wet from the rain. It wasn’t raining, but there was no chance of petty theft, either. And by petty theft, I mean the theft of small change and pieces of paper with postcodes written on them.

Ok, I’m back! In the operating room, I was given some gel that apparently takes the pain away from the teeth hacking and such. I thought it did work for about 30 seconds, but I quickly realised its only purpose was to create a bad taste in my mouth. I wouldn’t say I CIRED from the agony, but my eyes did water. Whether that’s crying technically speaking I don’t know. So, I was in extreme pain for 10 minutes or so, so I was hoping for great things. You can imagine my shock when I didn’t notice any difference whatsoever when given the mirror. The dentists on the other hand were like ‘Take a look! :D’ When I complained, I was told there was nothing anyone could do, because roots of teeth are so supposed to be the colour of kings anyway, so why didn’t I get told that when I first saw the dentist?? He said I’d be ok! Basically he ripped me off. I was told my teeth are cleaner now, but what else would they say, exactly? That they trolled me? I doubt it.

So now I have King Henry VIII teeth, and I guess there’s nothing that can be done about it. Luckily when I talk, the tops of my teeth aren’t really noticeable. Unless I stretch my mouth open with my hands when I speak to people, but I simply don’t have the need to do so. In fact, I don’t think I’ve done that since I was about 7. That’s this blog over then, I guess. If you want some more writing from me, you can visit the-independent-voice.org. Some of my reviews are pretty funny. Not hilarious, I’d get into trouble if I went too OTT, it’s supposed to be a serious site. Even so, worth checking out, maybe. Bye!