Selling Out! (Blog 314)

Hello! I was contacted by someone who said he’ll share this blog with lots of people if I discussed the following music-based page, so please check it out!!!…

https://beginnerguitarhq.com/how-to-write-a-music-review/

He does know this is a comedy site, right? More importantly, he does know I’m not 100% professional? Whatever the case, brave guy. First up, let’s talk about his title: ‘How to Write a Music Review Like a Pro’? As you may know, I write music reviews for Metal-Rules.com, but I don’t get paid for it. Does that make me a pro? Tough one. I guess not, despite the millions of views it gets per month. I wonder if I’d be pro if the site got all those hits because of me alone? I don’t THINK so, which is kind of depressing. Never mind. So in the hope of being pro now, let’s take the article being discussed super seriously. Just for a one off. Will it lead to me getting paid? Maybe I could earn a few pence if I get enough hits. Sadly, that’s no exaggeration.

Ah, the intro of his article discusses what a music review is. I’m fairly confident about that, so can the page really help me? I guess it’s starting off light. Yep, I was right. The article goes on to say ‘A good concert review, for example, should make your readers feel like they’re actually there with you in the audience.’ That sounds like magic to me, so OF COURSE I want to learn how to do that. Or even come close. Exciting stuff, so far. The article says you can be your own boss when you’re a reviewer. What, as in ‘Hello, Simon. Do you know what I want from you?’ ‘Yes, Simon. Crystal clear. But stop being so bossy.’ Sounds a bit nutty to me, but I guess that would be interesting if nothing new.

Again, I’m not taking the mick out of the site I’m talking about, as they want to help me, I was just being goofy, that’s all. Actually, from what I’ve read so far, the page is first rate! :) The page also says ‘Running your own platform certainly comes with more artistic freedom.’ Yep, I agree with that. Unless you start having fights with YOURSELF, which would be odd. Even for me. Maybe the writer hinted at that earlier, maybe I misunderstood. Then it says ‘However, if you want to reach a wider audience (and get paid!) more quickly, then it’s best to send queries to websites’ etc. Couldn’t agree more, that’s what I did many years ago. Though as explained I’m still not getting paid.

‘If you write for a website/magazine/newspaper, you’ll probably be pre-assigned music’. Yes! So true! ‘Or, you can reach out to up-and-coming bands and independent record companies or music publishers to ask for samples.’ I’m learning new things already! But would they want to speak to me? I guess I appear more friendly in emails than I do in person, so that’s something to bear in mind. Never once have I ever given a good impression in a face to face interview. :(

‘So, you’ve picked your music and fixed a guideline with your editor (or your inner editor). Now what?’ I don’t know, but let’s find out! (But ‘inner editor’? Again, sounds a bit mental. I like to think of myself as just one person). ‘Here’s comes the fun part - actually sitting down to write your review.’ Ah. Of course that’s what follows, silly me. But is it impossible to stand and write reviews, as the writer clearly implies? Never tried to be honest. I understand swimming and reviewing would be very difficult, but standing? Surely that would be fine. I guess not. Doesn’t really matter though, as I like typing whilst sitting.

‘Many writers find they’re most productive when they have a comfortable workspace. A clean desk with a view. A comfy chair. A hot beverage on hand.’ Well, I have a clean(ish) desk with a computer on it, and on my screen is a starry night. Yeah, fair enough. I like it. You may remember I not too long ago had a broken drum stool that kept collapsing, making me fall over all the time, and fair enough, it made concentrating difficult. But a hot beverage? Coffee springs to mind. God no. No Coca-Cola either. Extremely dangerous for me as caffeine famously drives me insane. I don’t mean to give sick and twisted people ideas, but I can’t have a single sip. Hot chocolate isn’t so bad, though.

‘Don’t skimp out on research.’ Ah. I mean I get the point the writer is trying to make, but I receive 5 albums to review every month. The thought of my researching all of the artists? That would take ages. Then again, maybe that’s the reason I don’t get paid. I hate to sound like a child, but my God I can’t be bothered. ‘Love it or hate it, the researching stage is just as important as the writing/editing stage.’ Really? Dammit. ‘Try not to start beef by directly calling out another writer when you disagree with them.’ Why not? Ever heard of a violent music reviewer? No? Then you can say what you like about them. No, only joking. Or am I? Yes, I am joking. Oh, I guess I do talk to myself after all. I don’t refer to myself as ‘Simon and the inner editor, though.’ Maybe I’ve misunderstood the article.

‘Most music writers agree that you should listen to a piece at least 3 times before you start to write.’ Yep, fair enough. Though I recently came across a black metal album that was so depressing, I could only manage the one listen for most of the tracks. But I’m a sensible guy, so yeah, more listens to the others. ‘I also find it helpful to take breaks in between listening sessions.’ Excellent stuff. I do that all the time. Insightful writing!

‘Most music reviews contain this basic structure: Introduction: Aside from general information about the work (title, artist, date, etc.) this first paragraph should include a hook.’ Yes! I like to start with a joke. Often at the band’s expense! Then the article says there’s a main body and a conclusion. Sounds about right to me. Again, a great article. Excellent stuff.

‘The standard length for music reviews is 250-300 words.’ Ha, really? I usually do 500 to 600, sometimes more. Powned. ‘If you’re an independent writer, you could write more if you want to. But again, it’s better to keep you piece as as short as possible.’ I wonder if the writer is referring to me. No. Very unlikely. Though he did reach out to me, suggesting he knows me. No. Paranoid. ‘Do be fair. Sometimes when you write about music you didn’t enjoy, it’s tempting to be overly critical. After all, you want to be honest!’ Fair enough, but imo, perfect place for another joke. ‘All pieces of music have pros and cons. The best reviews consider both, before passing their judgement.’ No, no, no. I’ve heard plenty of flawless music. First time I’ve truly disagreed with article though, so not bad!

‘And if you didn’t (like a piece of music), well, a bit of sass never hurt anyone. Just try not to get too carried away by making your entire review an overdose of sarcasm’. Oh, I SO agree with that, that makes SO much sense. Well done, article writer, well done. -_- Only joking I was being sarcastic. But again, I disagree with the writer. ‘It’s important to think about exactly the type of people who read (or who you hope will read!) what you write.’ Mental people, hopefully. ‘Once you know, you’ll not only have an idea about what to discuss in your review. You’ll also know how to use the best tone of voice to engage your readers.’ A crazy tone???

‘When it comes to creating memorable reviews, the best ones: Avoid cliches (like the plague).’ Wow. Some pretty strong feelings about that, huh? And ‘limit generic adjectives like ‘cool’, ‘interesting’, unique’. Whoops. I’ve used all of those words many times. :S ‘How do you make your writing more punchy? One way is to rework tired cliches into quirky new similes. For example, instead of saying a vocalist sounds ‘like an angel’, you could say they sound ‘like a baby robin taking flight for the first time.’’ That sounds like a seriously strange singing style to me as I’m a heavy metal reviewer, but I’ll move on.

‘Don’t forget to edit’. Oh I don’t. I even edited this blog, which may be surprising. Did I come across as informative as I hoped? Sadly, probably not. ‘Of course, the most basic part of editing is checking your spelling and grammar.’ Nope, no can do. I don’t believe in Grammarly, it rots the (already rotted, I’ve been told) mind. Spellchecker is fine though, if not vital. ‘Before you send your work for publication, always use a trusted online spelling/grammar checker.’ NO! ‘Good luck!’ Aw. Very nice. A pleasant way to finish a super duper article that you should totally check out! I’m not completely sure the music site owner got exactly what he wanted from me, so I guess I’ll have to ask. Bye!