Sneeze Diary! (Blog 307)

How often do I sneeze and WHEN do I sneeze? It’s time to find out. Hopefully this blog will be fun and won’t be used for dark research purposes by a shady MI6 agent, but you can worry about these things too much. ‘Simon’s Sneeze File’. Disturbing. And don’t get me started on all the times I’ve talked about someone dressing up as a sausage and killing people. That’s bound to have attracted attention. Anyway, let’s get researching!

Monday 11th April 2022

11:57. 2 sneezes, sitting by my computer. I didn’t sneeze ON my computer and certainly not on my keyboard, though. That would make typing a very sticky and frustrating experience. Even water ruins keyboards, but sneezes? Sneezes are infinitely stickier than water. They ARE stickier than water, right? Seriously, what water have you been drinking? Call the police, you’ve just been violated.

Tuesday 12th

No sneezes. :O Excellent nasal health, or a sign my nose isn’t working properly??? Whatever the case, I felt a tiny bit let down and even sad. Maybe I’m lucky though, apparently if you sneeze hard enough you can break your ribs! That’s what I read on the internet, anyway. Sounds crazy to me. I wonder how much harder you’d have to sneeze to explode, there’s always someone. Maybe a body builder with powerful lungs could explode?? All that effort into training, and then THAT happens. :S

Wednesday 13th

11:38. 2 sneezes by computer, following a mild urge. However, I needed to look up to the sun to fully pull off the sneezes. Again, a bit disappointed about yesterday’s lack of action. Anxiety over however, I CAN still sneeze. Phew!

13:04. 2 sneezes, by computer. You read that right, another 2 sneezes! Is that because I’m subconsciously making up for Tuesday?? Whatever the case, livin’ the dream.

Thursday 14th

10:09. 1 sneeze by computer. Sometimes you only need 1.

12:37. 2 sneezes by computer. Yep, back in business.

15:18. 1 sneeze by computer. 4 sneezes in one day? Is that because of Tuesday, again? If so, I never realised how important sneezes were to me. It also holds the record as the latest sneeze so far. (In this blog, I mean. I’m sure I’ve pulled off countless late night sneezes. Many high quality, too).

Friday 15th

8:45. No sneeze, but I did blow my nose hard by my computer. Sadly however, doing so doesn’t really boost my mood at all. Maybe I’m blowing in the wrong way?? Maybe sneezes are fun because they travel up to 100mph. Maybe if I learn to blow my nose at 100mph, that could be fun, too. But of course, that could look like I’m having an exceptionally severe panic attack if I try too frequently. And I mean really. :S Let’s leave those sorts of speeds to sneezes.

14:04. One sneeze by computer. Better than nothing, right? Unless I break my ribs of course. Or maybe even my toes… Has that ever happened before? If so, I’d love to know how.

14:46. Blew my nose by computer again, at modest speeds. I hate blocked noses.

14:51. Another lone sneeze. It’s all happening. However, I’ve quite literally never sneezed three times in a row. Why is that? I guess I don’t need to. Maximum nose efficiency! :O

Saturday 16th

11:14. One sneeze by computer. Not the highlight of the day, certainly. Actually I’d later be getting a Chinese takeaway. No sneeze has EVER been better than a (good) meal. But I live in hope.

Sunday 17th

15:16. 2 sneezes by computer. Nearly beat the lateness record. Darn.

18:42. 1 sneeze by computer. There we go, thrashed the record. (Of the last few days). You know what I’d love? To sneeze on the first second of an hour. Even better, imagine sneezing at exactly 12:00 am! Obviously the sun isn’t seen at such times, making sneezing harder, but that only adds to the special sense of occasion. Maybe then sneezing would be better than a Chinese!

Monday 18th

15:36. One sneeze by computer, but that makes me happy. Why? Well, look at those numbers. 1536? Think of them as guitar tab. And if you do that, you’ll find it’s a pleasing major scale melody. :)

Tuesday 19th

No sneezes. On a Tuesday? Like last week?? Fascinating. Fascinating.

Wednesday 20th

So no sneezes yesterday, again? Will that mean I’ll have a sneezing fit today? Nope. Didn’t sneeze once. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be sneezing like a nutter, but sadly I’ll end things here.

Ok, what have we learnt? First up, I’VE learnt that I don’t sneeze as much as I thought I did, but maybe I’ve been doing so less, recently. I could do a yearly diary to find out, but if this blog was perceived as odd, times that by a large number. I can’t be bothered to do the exact maths. Why did I have to do an 10 day diary, not a 7 day one? Just the way things turned out, I guess. If I did a weekly diary, a yearly one would be 52 times as crazy. Easy. I’m sorry if that’s annoyed you, and I’m REALLY sorry if I’ve annoyed the government, but if I have, I guess just please go back to fighting terrorism. I have to be honest, I didn’t count ALL the times I blew my nose, but is this a blow your nose diary? It is not. You’ve also learnt I usually sneeze in twos, and of course I need to leave my room more often. And I seem to sneeze less on Tuesdays, for whatever reason. I think that’s basically it. Bye!