Special Contest 1 (Contest Blog 36, Blog 214)

Fittingly, the third anniversary of my special contest blog is pretty special. There are no winners, no losers and even no competitors. Yes, I realise most people try to go bigger on celebrations, but I’m not most people, as you can tell. If I want to run a contest with no people in it, I will. As explained last month, (I bet you thought I was joking, huh?) I couldn’t really find anyone. First of all, I’d like to say how close an event it was this month as everyone had the exact same score. Darkening the tone however, the effort that went into the videos was appalling, quite frankly. It was so bad, even if a competitor simply said ‘lol’ that would give him the edge and earn him my treasured thumbs up. What score would I give such an apathetic person? Let’s break it down:

The funniness score is debatable. I guess there would be something amusing about some guy entering a competition and simply saying ‘lol’ and nothing else, but it’s not exactly witty and most would think he’s a twat.

Funniness: 1/5

Now for the charisma score. ‘Oh you’re such a badass doing next to nothing and acting like it’s cool’. Nope, you’ve just wasted your own time. Having said that, again, you did win.

Charisma: 0.5/5

Next is the originality score. I mean to be fair, it WOULD be original, but not unique. You could call it ‘anti-humour’ or whatever. The musical equivalent would be ‘You Suffer’ by Napalm Death. If you want to be seen as an innovator, travel to the mid 80s. Even then, you’d quickly be forgotten about, though. It would be like ‘Ha. That was weird. Now let’s go to see an actual comedian. Hopefully he’s not a complete bellend.

Originality: 1/5

The structure score is particularly bad. Technically there is SOME structure when you say ‘lol’ but not really. Needless to say it’s a million miles away from a typical standup routine.

Structure: 0.0001/5

Here’s the overall score then. It’s not pretty: 0.625025 out of 5. Ouch. ‘But Simon, why are you getting annoyed? You’ve just made the competitor up…’ Good point. Maybe I should have marked the real competitors. Even though they didn’t exist. And no, don’t ask how I’m feeling in myself. I’m feeling great.

So… Saying nothing isn’t funny. At all.

Funniness: 0/5

Really I should give minus scores for charisma, but that would be impossible, wouldn’t it? Saying nothing is far from charismatic, it’s antisocial. Furthermore, what a bad atmosphere that would create.

Charisma: 0/5

I guess saying nothing whatsoever is more original than just saying ‘lol’. But not by much.

Originality: 1.1/5

The structure of saying zilch is truly terrible.

Structure: 0/5

The overall score of the winner of this contest, then: 0.275/5. You may be surprised to see any kind of score at all, and so am I. Maybe I do need to sit down for a while. It’s quite baffling the way the losers got the same marks. I’m repeating myself a little but at least I’m trying. Lazy punks. I’m so annoyed. Grr. I’m sure my analytical abilities are being called into question, and if you agree, that makes me correct at least then, so maybe I am fine. Phew! All good, once again.

Now to change the subject!: I was watching Formula 1 and I noticed that Hamilton (shortened to Ham) was in first and Bottas (shortened to Bot) was in second. For a moment I was thinking to myself ‘What’s a Ham Bot?’ A robot pig you mean? What have robotic pigs got to do with racing? I really should watch the sport more often. Ham Bots really must be fast as hell, too, only adding to the excitement. Sadly such thoughts didn’t last long, and if I was being honest, I’d say they didn’t really exist in the first place. A funny concept though. Here’s another thought that is particularly random: You may have heard that the words ‘military’ and ‘intelligence’ can’t go together, but come on. If that were true battlefields would be complete anarchy. Soldiers would fire into the air, tanks would blow up trees and fighter jets would attempt to fly into space. I don’t mean to sound like a warmonger, but there IS military intelligence. Is there military friendliness? That’s another matter. Is there military politeness? Come on. Bye!