Staines Ultra Extreme Mega Woowee Extreme Incredible Woo Woohoo Extreme Unbelievable No Way Woo Woowee Oh My God Wowee Extreme Insane Mad Extreme Wooooo! (Blog 587)

Yesterday I went to Staines, partly to get a gift for my dad on father’s day, but mostly because I was bored out of my mind. I could have gone to Kingston to spice things up even more (it being the better town) but that’s for my birthday! In fact, A.I. says Kingston is 6 to 8 times larger than Staines (a bit vague for so called ‘artificial intelligence’, let’s pray it has nothing to do with making calculations for rockets), meaning my birthday shopping trip will be 6 to 8 times better. Yep, sounds about right to me! Not all big things are good though, for example swarms of bees! Anyway, on the way to Staines I noticed a speed limit sign saying 30 mph, and on the road in the exact same place, 20 mph was painted. Is that a more creative way of saying the speed limit is 25 mph? People have to work with averages now? You know what? I welcome that, actually. Get road users into maths, what harm could it do? Apart from all the confusion, I mean. The first shop I went to was Marks and Spencer, to get my dad a bottle of wine and a card. To be specific, I got him some Chianti, basically I’m calling him Hannibal Lecter. I looked for a while in the card section of the shop and couldn’t find anything father’s day related, so where could my ideal gift be? Ah of course, the Father’s Day section, that makes complete sense. Easy to miss, though! As I only bought two items, a kind hearted soul let me go in front of her in the queue. How can I repay her? I’ll do it now: Excellent person! I should have asked her for her name. If she said ‘Mrs. Smith’… Well… Saint Smith!

After that, I searched for some vitamin D supplements in a health shop, as I’m running low. It seemed the place had every kind of vitamin imaginable expect for D! I asked a member of staff where they were and he pointed to a vitamin D container with a different colour on it than my already owned supplements, it wasn’t my fault. Then I realised that because the strength was 2 and a half times higher than the ones I wanted, I suppose it justified the colour. Nothing bad happened when I was stumped for a while so I’m not going to sue the company or anything, but still some people are busy. Not me, but some people are, and they may be vitamin D deficient. The dose I intended to get were sneakily hidden behind the stronger version, again, not my fault. Maybe I should have got the stronger vits though, as the packaging said it offers ‘immunity’. That’s an impressive claim, isn’t it? I mean I haven’t heard of the company getting into trouble for false advertising, but immunity means complete protection for diseases obviously, and as ONLY ‘immunity’ was shown on the packaging, that suggests it makes you immune to everything. So wow. If it only makes you immune to peanuts if you have an allergy? It should say. Or maybe I’m mad! After that, I bought sunscreen. Yes it’s true I’m not outside in the sun too much, but I do often have the sun shining on me as I sit by my computer. Shut the blinds, then? Well first up I don’t have any and 2nd, that’s what caused the vitamin D deficiency in the first place!

After the shop visit I entered HMV and made some notes on the stairs. Did the member of staff get strict instructions telling people not to write whilst sitting on the stairs? I doubt it, but I got told off anyway. I was allowed to write on the floor though. Well maybe I wasn’t, she couldn’t see me as I was hidden behind a row of albums and that was the whole point. After the jotting, I searched for some CDs. ‘Who is this mysterious band called ‘Thunder’?’ I thought. I mean they SOUND like a metal band (or an ironically titled ambient album, you could actually make an argument it could be the band name for anyone), ‘so let’s give it a deeper look!’ I also thought. A note on the packaging said it was rock, that will do! I mean if the band had three different albums in the same small store, they must be pretty good, no? I’ll have to find out, right now I’m saving it as a treat! It’s perfect joke writing background music, I’m sure! After that came the REAL highlight of the day, that being the milkshake and muffin! I had a shake somewhere else recently, but it wasn’t very good, justifying me getting another one. I thought the iffy one tasted of coffee, I thought I was given the wrong shake by accident. As we all know, I can’t have even the slightest amount of caffeine, so I was already considering suing the company after the first sip. I wrote a letter in my own head and it was filled with anger and expletives. Then when I got home with the rest of my drink remaining, I searched the internet and found the foodery didn’t do a coffee shake. Phew! Anyway, I liked the shake in Staines very much. On the way home, I saw writing on the road saying 20 mph again, and a sign saying 40 mph right next to it! Absolutely baffled and that was the trip out, bye!