The Final Tidbits?? (Blog 201)

As lockdown is coming to a close, this may be my last tidbit blog. I’m seriously hoping in the near future I will be writing about many actual events (even better, positive ones), and not just the thoughts I’ve been collecting over the last few days. I’ll tell you of an event that I KNOW will be absolutely super: My birthday! Music, chocolate and go karts combined. Almost sounds to good to be true. However, I will be delaying my special me day till next Saturday, as the karts aren’t running on a Tuesday. That’s perfectly fine though, as what I can do is have my weekly milkshake (which we all know is enjoyed on Fridays) a day later, meaning I could further add to my celebrations. Talk about overstimulation. :O (And no, I couldn’t have a shake a few days early on Chewyday. It wouldn’t be the same).

Ok, introduction over. Tidbit 1:

I was Googling the Lynx deodorant company out of curiosity. As I mentioned a while ago, I like spraying myself with the stuff and sniffing myself. Before you say that’s an act of a narcissist, it isn’t because I’m not sniffing what I naturally smell like. That would be arrogant. Weird, too. Anyway, without thinking I clicked on a question, asking if lynx (lynxes?) are dangerous. It said ‘All lynx fiercely defend themselves when cornered, and although they typically avoid people, they may attack a human if threatened.’ For a tiny yet powerful moment, the irrational part of me thought that was referring to the company. Why would the Lynx corporation avoid their customers and possibly even hurt them? Far from good business practice. It’s illegal, even. Then the same irrational part of me (the part that enjoys foods that are basically all salt and fat and kill you slowly) put two and two together. Lynxeses are animals too aren’t they? I clicked on the wrong thing. I’m pleased to say never would the clever part of me genuinely believe such a crazy concept… … (Now I’m on meds! :D)

In Blog 197 I was discussing whether there were special hidden meanings in the albums I bought on that day. (Special because my vitamin D supplements ran out at the same time. It’s a long story but it does make sense if you’re open minded). Thank god I didn’t buy Kill ‘em All by Metallica, as I planned. Imagine THAT album having a meaning that’s important to me. I do already have that one, but it’s in very poor condition so I thought I’d honour my collection and update it. I guess in hindsight it was for the best it was unavailable because if I wrote about it and said maybe I should kill ‘em all, people could take that the wrong way. In this perhaps more thoughtful blog however, I want to stress this point to the max: I don’t want to kill anyone, ever. Is that clear? Admirably I even believe that no one should kill anyone else. That’s nice, isn’t it? Sticking to the subject of music, you always hear of bands with ‘head’ in their names don’t you? You’ve got Radiohead, Motorhead, Diamond Head, Machine Head, etc. What’s wrong with toes? E.g. Diamond Toes? or Radiotoe? Chickenfoot’s not bad though.

I not long ago heard a theory that Venus is closest to the sun, not Mercury. I thought it was bad enough when Pluto was stripped of planet status. Now the rhyme ‘my very easy method just speeds up naming planets’ goes ‘very my easy method just speeds up naming’. That’s gibberish.

Next! On an online London Comedy Writers meeting, I saw someone calling them ‘antiracist’. However, at first I thought it said ‘antichrist’. That was fair enough though as it’s almost an anagram, but needless to say it gives a very different message.

Apparently I have a reputation for being the harshest reviewer on theindependentvoice.org. I only just found that out from my boss. (Luckily she found that funny). However, this month’s music I’ve been commenting on has been unusually good. I hope she isn’t thinking ‘I tell Simon he’s being mean and all of a sudden he’s being kind. That’s not good, objective reviewing.’ At the same time what if I give unfairly bad scores in an attempt to avoid suspicion? It wouldn’t really work because I often have to attach music clips to my critiques as proof. I would quickly go from being harsh to plain music-hating. A music hater being a music reviewer is a funny concept, but clearly not appropriate.

Last tidbit!: When I first heard barbers would be shutting down ages ago, I thought to myself ‘oh my God this is terrible, I’m going to have to look like a hippy’. Actually I kind of like my hair longer. It turns into a bit of a mop. As far as I’m aware, mop hair styles have no negative connotations. (Though very cruel people could use me as a cleaning utensil, hypothetically speaking. I doubt that would happen, though). I don’t mean to offend hippies, but they do have a bit of a reputation. I’m not saying they’re evil, but they are annoying, aren’t they. Anyway, it was back to short hair, yesterday. Even though the barber had more to cut from me, he seemed to take the same amount of time as before the crisis and did it for the same price. I’m definitely on to something there, I just can’t work out what it is. Maybe I could do some scientific research on the matter, but how would I explain that to my hair cutter without sounding strange? As he was cutting, he asked me how I was. I said ‘fine’ (as in ‘fine considering things, actually I’m a bit bored’) but I should have said, ‘fine, just got a bit of a cough.’ Never mind. Too late. Bye!