Time to get Pumped! (Blog 399!)

Tomorrow, I will be posting my special 400th blog hyper mega blog! It will be much, much bigger than my 300th entry :O. It won’t be bigger than my 100th or 200th blogs though, as that would take a few months of work. Such blogs weren’t so much diaries, more lengthy parts of a novel. Sadly I won’t be continuing that story as agents don’t want it, not the prequel, anyway. :( A bit too out there with the people exploding after eating expired food, and all. If you read the story it at least kind of makes sense, but I am glad that’s not what happens in reality, obviously. There’s having funny anecdotes, then there’s having cold and indifferent ones. Perhaps because of subconscious confusion, I thought going the complete opposite would work out for me. I keep writing about me going to Staines which sounds like a bad and dull idea and maybe it is. After all, I still have no agent. :S

Maybe I should go for a middle ground? People exploding in Staines? Nope, still too far. Birds exploding in Staines is too far too, even if I have a grudge against the animals. It will sound crazy when I say they tweet in a way that mocks me, but I know what I heard. Cakes exploding then? That’s harmless, but as I haven’t seen that happen before, that would be a blog lie. I hope it does, though. Very wacky! I guess my emails I composed for agents could have been thought out more, too. I could have told them who my favourite authors are, but if I was being honest I’d say ‘I don’t really read!’ which is terrible and explains why my stories are so odd. Also I’m an odd person. A perfect storm. That will really be shown tomorrow, so get ready for an adventure! I should be embarrassed, but I’m not.

For a special sneak peek, let’s get James Ziegler to promote the special event. So, hello James, are you well?

James: Not bad, thank you for having me.

Me: No problem. What are your favourite parts of the upcoming extravaganza?

James: All the…

Me: No, no, no! You’ve said too much! I’m sorry James, but you’ll have to go…

James: But I didn’t say anyth…

Me: Sorry, you blew it.

Right! Now what to say? I guess I should point out how the event tomorrow will be better than Christmas and New Year’s Day combined. There will be James, more important than James there will be me, also more important than James there will be a number of eggs… No. Now I’ve said too much. This blog promotion yet not giving too much away business is some tricky stuff. I guess I should clear the air about yesterday’s blog. I said the Germanic industrial, bodybuilding, semi-naturist band were weird. They are a bit weird, anyone who dresses in leather and starts fires is weird, scary even, but their music is growing on me, at least a little bit. It’s growing on me efficiently, even. And what’s with the men on the album cover wearing masks with zips over their mouths? You really don’t want people to see your face? What have you done? Do you think you look less sus, now? No, you look worse. Still though, let’s not get too excited, I don’t love the music. Then again, that shouldn’t bother the Germans too much. France is the country obsessed with love. Do I love French song ‘L’elite’ by Trust? Yeah! England is known for fish and chips, but sadly I know of no fish and chips based bands. I wish I did, though!

Let’s get James’s relative Brian Ziegler to comment on the upcoming blog…

Simon: Hello, Brian. How are you, today?

Brian: Why am I not part of tomorrow’s ultra wonder blog?

Simon: I forgot. Whoops.

Brian: Is that all you have to say?

Simon: I’m sorry, but tomorrow will be such an extravaganza you weren’t really needed…

Brain: You value eggs over me?

Simon: Look, there may or may not be eggs. Don’t spoil things.

Brian: I don’t have to put up with this, I’m going…

Now you’re really getting pumped, no? However, there is something to appreciate RIGHT NOW. 399 is my largest number of a blog so far! That fact won’t be fascinating for everyone, but how about this? Say I wanted to promote my first blog in a way that’s exciting. How do I do that? Well, I add an exclamation mark. Say I add 2 of such marks on the second blog, 3 after my third, etc. BUT only 1 after my tenth blog, two after my twentieth blog, three after my 21st blog, four after my 22nd, etc… See what’s happening there? Can you spot the pattern? It’s hard to explain so let’s not bother and instead take this paragraph as a kind of IQ test for you. I’m just saying that this blog, blog 399, would have 21 exclamation marks, which is another record for me! Wow, tough paragraph to write. Yeah? Well times that by at least 5,000 tomorrow. I’ve just realised I’m promoting myself quite a lot. I’m not a narcissist or anything. I certainly don’t need attention. No, no, no.

Let’s have one more paragraph. So, I have an astonishing joke coming up tomorrow. Can you guess what it’s about? If so, you’ve just hacked my computer and I want you to apologise. If you have some idea that’s far more impressive and it sounds like you know me without cheating. Sometimes you can know someone a little too much and become a bit of a stalker, but on the plus side, such people really do know what the perfect present is, which is something. Here’s a clue about the joke: It involves political parties and legs. You have just one day to ponder. Sometimes I wonder if I should delete some of my worst jokes (the ones that don’t make sense, or do but only after a lot of deep thought and with not even a chuckle), but you know what? I think my site has a bit of a rawness to it. To make an analogy, raw food is sometimes better for you. (I think). It also tastes disgusting and… wait there’s no comparison to be made there, just a coincidence! Bye!